Tag Archives: Lupercalia

Special “Rudolph Valentino’s Birthday” E-dition

Valentine’s Daze
            About this time of year, people who earn their ill-gotten gains in the public relations business are so busy patting themselves on the back that they’re not getting much work done.

After all, if you’d just laid the 2018 Valentine’s Day guilt trip on all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President In History In The White House—Twice, And Failed Trying To Give Obama A Third Term By Voting For Hillary, And Get All Of Their Local “Fake News” From the Local Liberal Propaganda Media, Like The Ones At The Fishwrap And On Channel 5, 9, 12, And 19, you’d be busting your buttons too.

Valentine’s Day used to be just for kids. They just said “To My Valentine.” Every second-grader could buy a big bag of cards, enough for the entire school for about a quarter.

Now, adults and adulteresses have about a million different “special cards.” Besides cards for fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, sweethearts-male, and sweethearts-female, Valentines for mistresses past, present, and future are also available.

They have Valentines for people you like and Valentines for people you hate. They have old-fashioned Valentines; contemporary Valentines; Miss Vicki Valentines; Archie and Amanda Valentines; Miss Piggy Valentines; Donald Trump Valentines; Whistleblower Legal Dream Team Valentines; Bill Clinton Heart Surgery Valentines; Same-Sex Valentines; Ragu Pizza Quick Sauce Valentines; Valentines for people with Ghiz all over their faces; and even Valentines for That Out-of-Office, Corrupt, Evicted, Lying, Plagiarizing, Meddling, Overblown, Bought-And-Paid-For, Tax-And-Spend, Wrinkle-Puss RINO Bitch-In-A-Ditch Mean Jean Schmidt; Valentines from the Auditor’s office showing you how much they just jacked up your property values; Valentines for Ex-Sheriff’s Department Employee Mickey Esposito currently ensconced in prison; Valentines that say “Thank You For Not Masturbating in My Car” for Disgraced Former Anderson Township Trustees; and free-home delivery of Valentine’s Day dildos from Patty Brisben’s Dildo World for uptight bitches in Fort Mitchell who fake their orgasms and Strauss & Troy secretaries’ spouses. But the one we liked best was the one from Obama that said, “Roses are red. Violets are blue. I raised you taxes and there’s nothing you can do.”

There are serious Valentines with profound messages like “I love you a lot.” There are humorous Valentines that say things like “I love you… because you have a big penis.” And there are not-so-humorous Valentines that say “I love you a lot… even though you have a small penis.”

They used to keep Valentines for gay people in closets behind the Hallmark displays, but today Chris Squealback Valentines are right out in the open with the rest of the DemocRAT left-wing extremist Valentines.

With the popularity of YouTube, this year we have Valentine’s Day videos like Obama’s Valentine Day Special,  Trump Calls Obama For Valentine’s Day Advice, Hillary Clinton’s Valentine’s Day Strip Tease, and Jesse Jackson & Obama’s 7 Dating Tips for Valentine’s Day! 

We have Valentines for your butcher, baker, candlestick maker, plumber, and cable-TV repairman are now obligatory– that’s if you don’t want to wait six
months for your next service call. There are even “Sorry I forgot to send you a Valentine’s Day card” cards for people you overlooked.

True, the folks who’ve promoted Valentine’s Day have good reason to be proud. They’ve done a great job bringing love to the world.

But their task won’t be complete until they come out with alimony checks decorated with little cupids and hearts so that the cost of someone’s affections will never be forgotten.

But how did Valentine’s Day get started in the first place? Hurley the Historian says ancient Romans had this nice little bawdy festival called “Lupercalia.” It was the Super Bowl of Sex in those days. After sacrificing a few goats, priests dressed up in goat girdles and ran around slapping women with goatskin strips to help take away their infertility. It was like sending someone you love a “Goat-Gram.”

But the guy most responsible for making Valentine’s Day a commercial success was Al Capone. Times were bad in 1929. Valentines weren’t selling. So the greeting card companies hired Capone to stage a media event in a Chicago garage. The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre must’ve worked, because this year more than a gazillion Valentine’s Day cards will be sent.

For a long time we thought Valentine’s Day had been invented by the candy companies or the American Dental Association. For a while, they were thinking about changing the name to Whitman’s Sampler Day. Don’t you hate it when they only give you one chocolate-covered cherry and nobody will touch your nougats? Politically correct feminists want Valentine’s Day to become “V-Day,” standing for Vagina, Violence (committed by men against women), and Victory. Rather than taking 24 hours to celebrate romantic love, women are admonished to sit around and whine all day.

And when your wife tells you she wants to go someplace special for Valentine’s Day, does that mean she’s not cooking tonight?

The best thing is to get married on Valentine’s Day (like our Beloved Publisher Charles Foster Kane did 48 years ago today). Besides showing someone how much you love her, you’ll save buying one present each year. Even better, you should marry somebody whose birthday is on Valentine’s Day, too.

Another Proud Sponsor and Avid Fan Today’s Valentine’s Day E-dition is brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our February fund-raising drive by Patty Brisben’s Dildo World.

Whistleblower Video of the Day

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