SATURDAY, MARCH 30, 2018
Trump’s 799th Day In Office
These Fictitious People Still Sound A Lot Like Some People We Know
Here’s another column featuring the same sleazy 1980s characters at the satirical Patronage County Courthouse, to illustrate things going on hereabouts these days, so our Persons of Consequence might gain yet another useful perspective on the news.
These articles are Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as the struggling columnist below who shares his acute and surprisingly accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.
“Losers Legacies” By James Jay Schifrin
Imagine the humiliation of the folks back home if someone you thought had made it really big on the national stage was finally forced to resign in disgrace? That was number one on the agenda yesterday when the Commissioners in Patronage County broke the Sunshine Law at an illegal secret executive session.
“Can you believe Obama’s Failed Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius was actually born in Cincinnati in 1948? She looks way older than that,” said Commissioner Pilfer. “Do you think Tim Burka in Hamilton County will be giving her a ticker tape parade the next time she comes to town?”
“Her father John Gilligan was once Governor of Ohio,” said Commissioner Filch. “John Kasich didn’t order flags to be flown at half staff, did he?”
“Obama says she’ll go down in history,” added Commissioner Swindle, “probably as the worst in history, just like the rest of his administration.”
“Sebelius has been an embarrassment for the past five years,” explained Commissioner Filch. “Maybe she just ran out of lies.”
“Perhaps she resigned to help incumbents in the 2014 elections who face blistering attacks after supporting ObamaCare. You know, the ones who said they voted for it so they could find out what’s in it?” added Commissioner Pilfer.
“At least there’s one good thing about resigning in disgrace,” concluded Commissioner Swindle, “You can’t be fired, and now Kathleen won’t have that free Cadillac plan government health care insurance, so she can apply for ObamaCare as soon as it’s available next January, and hope she doesn’t get sick in the meantime.”
This column was originally published on April 12, 2014 in our “Stamp of Approval” E-dition, which told of CINCINNATI’S SWEETHEART KATHLEEN SEBELIUS, who had just resigned in disgrace as Obama’s Failed Pro-Abortion Secretary of Health and Human Service.