THURSDAY, MARCH 26, 2020
AND CORONAVIRUS IS KILLING THE BIDEN CAMPAIGN WHILE THE TRUMPSTER IS HAVING FUN MAKING HIM LOOK LIKE A DAMN FOOL
On Trump’s 1161st Day In Office, With Still None Of Obama’s Political Perps In The Slammer
Remembering When You Could Actually Leave The House To See A Baseball Game On Opening Day
Hurley the Historian was remembering when Opening Day used to be really important, because the Reds always hosted Major League Baseball’s first game of the season. For generations, baseball’s first pitch was on a Monday and in Cincinnati, where the Reds were given that honor for being the sport’s first professional team. Even when ESPN insisted on a marquee Sunday night game to open the season, that was just one game. Then, like everything else, MLB’s Opening Day could be imported from China. So much for “America’s Pastime,” baseball fans! And so much for our wonderful Cincinnati tradition!
Senior Scorekeeper Tino Delgato remembers when the Reds used to be the first game of a new baseball season. The Reds should reclaim this honor by starting their first game on Sunday afternoon. Several other benefits could be derived from this change. Parking would be plentiful and no one would have to take off work or school. The Findlay Market Parade could be attended by many more people and school kids. Downtown restaurants and bars would pick up an extra day of revenue. Plus most years it seems to be better weather the day before Opening Day. Go Figure!!!
We remember when Baseball used to be a game, and it wasn’t just about the money. We also recall baseball before Johnny Cueto and some of those other Reds Rastafarians couldn’t afford freaking haircuts and some of those other scruffy-looking guys must not have been able to afford to buy new razor blades. Where do these overpaid athletes think they’re playing anyway — in the NFL?
That’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose Chico Esquela’s “Baseball been berry, berry good to me.”
Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall says, “Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks, because you sure as hell won’t be able to afford $6.50 for a hot dog, $9 for nachos, and $7.50 for beer. Who’s will be doing the cooking this year— Jeff Ruby?” We hope Catholics will be getting special dispensation from Archbishop Schnur about eating meat on Good Friday?
And the Downtown Clown-cil says, “Don’t forget the cost and hassle of parking.” This year, it would have been worse than ever, thanks in no small part to Cincinnati’s Stupid Streetcar, which the Streetcar Six on Cincinnati City Clown-sale assured us would cure all the economic ills of the entire Tri-State, once it was built.
The Blower remembers when all those candidates running for office in Ohio’s Primary Elections showed up to bw seen in the Opening Day Parade, including that lady from Indian Hill who’s was running against Hamilton County’s Disingenuous Double-Dipping D-RAT Auditor, who still hasn’t explained exactly how his office came up with its Fair Values for your Jacked-Up Property Taxes. “Mean Jean” Schmidt would probably there this year, and let’s hope all those freeloader politicians remember to register and pay their fees this year. And have you ever heard of any politician actually “paying” for an Opening Day “ticket,” any more than they’d be willing to accept the same health care program you have to pay for? That would be a first! But Opening Day is still a great day for a political fund-raiser. How cheesy is that?
Even cheesier would be those local politicians who put pictures of themselves on Facebook skipping work today to attend Opening Day. CH Snitch at 1000 Main Street won our caption contest for this picture with “Hi, I’m Alex, this is my brother Daryl and this is my other brother Daryl.”
The Annual Findlay Market Parade would always be a lot shorter if all those politicians and wannabes weren’t permitted, especially after that time our Nine Fine Diverse Doofuses on Cincinnati City Clown-cil unsuccessfully argued that Rob “Fighting for Fairies” Portman should be the Grand Marshal, even though the Portman Gay Family Values Float did get to bring up the rear.
And how about those special Opening Day sections in The Fishwrap. Maybe they could sell a few more on-line video ads that interrupt your reading. Furloughed and Fired Fishwrappers understand Gannett’s stockholders could really use the money.
And every year when a guy like Judge Mark Painter tells you how many Opening Days he’s been to, just think of all the work he’s missed over the years. Bobby Leach says a guy calls in sick for Opening Day. His boss asks “How sick are you?” The guy says, “I’m home having sex with my sister. Is that sick enough?”
Typical Reds Rooter Farley Fairweather is always optimistic every year before Opening Day, especially when Derek Dietrich crushed a 3-run pinch hit Home run to lift Cincinnati Reds to their first Opening Day win since 2016.
Last year, just in time to enjoy the 2019 baseball season, we found this more realistic prophesy in Bunky Tadwell’s “American Pastimes,” sold in better bookstores everywhere, except in Cleves.
Opening Day is on the way
And baseball soon will start.
The Reds will show us promise
And then will break our heart.
Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says last year the Florence Freedom, presented by Titan Mechanical Solutions, were excited to announce the release of their 2019 schedule. The Freedom opened up 2019 at Erpenbeck Stadium against the Lake Erie Crushers on Thursday, May 9 at 7:05 pm. Yeah, but who was going to throw out the first pitch? It probably wouldn’t be Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters with the opportunity to fail at something else. And it sure as hell wouldn’t be $tan Che$ley, since the KBA (Kentucky Baseball Association” banned him like Pete Rose and there’s still that open bench warrant with his name on it in Boondoggle County. Maybe one of the unemployed Bungals could’ve try out, since everybody’s was being offered tryouts with the Freedom this year. We’d still would’ve liked to see “BeanBall Jim” Bunning have the first pitch honors. We wonder if Whistleblower Faux Facebook Friend Rick “The BatBoy” Robinson would’ve been in the stands, dreaming about all those batters his old boss used to plunk.
Someone else who might’ve been attending the Reds Opening Day Game had it been played today could be our good friend Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders who just wanted to see if his daughter’s picture was still on the scoreboard.
And all the restaurants and bars in Northern Kentucky would’ve been celebrating this year’s Opening Day in Cincinnati too. There’s not that many places near the stadium to go after the game, unless you count the snack bar at The Empty Uppity Oprah Winfrey Campaigning for Obama, Under-funded, Ugly-ass Poorly-Planned Unnagraown Rayroe Museum Not-so-Free-dom Center, and the food at the not-so-new-and-exciting Jack Casino isn’t worth the long walk, since the Trolley Folly won’t take you anywhere near there, as if anybody really gives a big rat’s ass.
This year, Marty Brennaman won’t be broadcasting another Opening Day game, since he finally retired at the end of the 2019 season to trade-out TV Commericals. Meanwhile over at Channel 19, Trish the Dish would again be asking if the Reds have already been mathematically eliminated.
OPENING DAY MEMORIES HOTLINE
Obama at the Bat (With more than 8,754,375 Views)
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.