This week in Patronage County, Muck Raker, political columnist for the Patronage County Innuendo, was interviewingour three Corrupt Commissioners from Patronage County about the results of Ohio’s Republican Primary Elections on May 6.
“It’s still pretty much politics as usual,” said Commissioner Filch. “Nothing much has changed.”
“What about all that money the Ohio Republican Party spent on lying ads against TEA Party Patriots instead of using it to attack DemocRATS?” Racker asked.
“Obviously, ORP officials are happy they won so many contested races by lying about their candidates being champions of limited government. I’m sure they’ll use the same strategy in the future,” Commissioner Pilfer explained.
“Then how do you explain Tom Brinkman’s State Rep victory over Peter Stautberg?” Racker asked. “Maybe now his wife can finally register to vote as a Democrat.”
“Brinkman had those feisty women warriors in the Anderson TEA Party working for him. They’re the only local TEA Party organization in Ohio that realized “TEA” stands for “Taxed Enough Already,” said Commissioner Swindle. “Brinkman never would’ve won without them.”
“Then how do you explain the results of all those State Central Committee elections?” Raker asked. “Were all those people just wasting their time?”
“That’s what it looked like,” said Commissioner Filch. “What those disgruntled activists didn’t understand is exactly how few people really care about the Central Committee. There just aren’t enough of them to make a difference.”
“But what I still don’t see what happened,” Raker said. “For example, Crystal Faulkner spent big bucks mailing her propaganda to ALL the Republican voters. The Ohio Republican Party was involved with Robocalls and flushing at the polls. Faulkner did Robocalls with The Windbag, of all people, and poor Crista Criddle had no money to spend in spite of being painted as a getting-rich-off-the-government bureaucrat by Lady Faulkner. Burr Robinson lost, too. He and Christa did a lot of door-to-door and grassroots campaigning, but in the end 90-year-old geezer Stan Aronoff won handily on name recognition without doing a damn thing. Does he even live around here? He spend most of his time in Palm Beach, with is matching white-patent-leather shoes and belt.” Commissioner Pilfer said.
“It all sounds so complicated,” the columnist said. “So how do the three of you explain how you always seem to survive primary elections so easily?”
“That’s easy,” they all laughed. “We always run unopposed.”