WEDNESDAY, APRIL 07, 2021
TRUMP’S SEVENTY-SEVENTH DAY OUT-OF-OFFICE
AND HERE’S TODAY’S VIRUS UPDATE
Vol. XXX: The Bigger They Are…
My Dear Friends and Benefactors,
Sieg heil! All power to Moloch!
I regret to inform you that the rumors you have heard about food shortages on our cozy little island are correct. It seems our suppliers have diverted their resources to feed the clamoring hordes in the hotels at the southern U.S. border, leaving us little choice but to fend for ourselves.
But fear not my brave flock, I have our response well in hand. We are going to plant micro-gardens! Not just any micro-gardens, mind you, but sustainable micro-gardens.
What are sustainable micro-gardens, you ask? Well, one of our Supreme Masters, “Santa Klaus” Schwab of the World Economic Forum, has the answer: we are going to plant weeds! Why weeds? It’s simple:
• Weeds are nutritious and tasty, even the poisonous ones like nettle;
• Weeds capture carbon, and help reduce climate change (and, I am proud to add, we don’t have any of those nasty methane-producing cattle here on our little Shangri-La);
• Weeds will fill the gap as the earth’s population exceeds our ability to feed them;
• Weeds will help farmers identify soil problems and nutrient deficiencies.
In short, my friends, we are going to step forward to the front ranks of the global fight against severe environmental degradation, loss of biodiversity and up to a third of global greenhouse gas emissions! What better way to assist the UN Sustainable Development Goals and the Paris Agreement? Down with failing food systems that ruin our health! In fact, down with food as we know it!
And here’s more good news: since we are surrounded by ocean, we will also be investing in aquaculture farms, otherwise known as “blue food.” Now, I know we are all feeling guilty about our constant consumption of planet-endangering beef, chicken, pork and turkey, but blue food and our sustainable micro-garden project will ease our guilt (not that you should stop feeling guilty because you’re white…or male…)!
Now let’s take a look at what our typical menu will be in the near future:
Appetizer: micro-algae, seaweed, krill, fish by-products, field caviar
Main course: GMO insects, cactus, selected tossed weeds, large fungi, nuts and twigs
Dessert: pomegranate pomade that doubles as a sun blocker
Beverage: recycled human waste and high-diversity swamp water with frog feces
Oh, and one final feature of our new food production system that will guarantee its security: I will personally take ownership and ultimate responsibility of all micro-gardens and aquaculture farms, which means that you, our Temple members, will not actually have to own anything involving food production. In return, I will supply all the protection you need through my private police force. All I ask is that you guarantee me 40% of your monthly production.
(Please report to my private cabana ASAP to sign your individual farming contract.)
Simple, no? With such enlightened policies and unheard-of freedom, can our Healthier Lives Matter Temple community do anything but flourish?
Yours for a healthier (and more sustainable) Temple,
(Rev.) Jim Jones
Supreme Pastor and CEO, Healthier Lives Matter
Little St. James Island