THURSDAY, APRIL 09, 2020
AND AMAZINGLY, THERE WERE NO NEW CASES OF CORONAVIRUS ON PASSOVER AT LOCAL JEWISH HOMES WITH BLOOD PAINTED ON THE DOORS
With Still None Of Obama’s Political Perps In The Slammer
This Just In From Jewish Humor Central
Consider for a moment the primitive conditions under which the Israelites experienced slavery in Egypt, God communicated to Moses through a burning bush, and Moses struggled for ways to get his messages to Pharaoh.
How different would it have been if all of the leading characters in the Exodus had access to the communication tools that we take for granted today?
Just suppose that God, Moses, and Pharaoh had the internet, Google, Skype, YouTube, email, Twitter, Amazon, Craigslist, and cell phones available to them. How different would it have been?
The folks at aish.com have reimagined the Exodus with these tools that we take for granted today and created a funny video which is going viral this week.
Among the lightning-fast visuals (don’t blink or you’ll miss many of them) are:
– Moses logging on with his password (BasketBaby).
– CNN Breaking News: Pharaoh Enslaves Jews; World Leaders Condemn Israel.
– Moses asking Yahoo Answers why the bush is burning but not being consumed.
– While he’s asking he gets a Skype message from God (It’s me, God! Go down, Moses. Way down to Egypt’s land.)
– Moses replies that he’s on it, and does an immediate Google search for Pharaoh’s Palace (not Pharaoh’s Pizza Palace or Pharaoh’s Palace Bar & Grill).
All of this in just the first 30 seconds of this 2+ minute video.
This is one of those movies that you have to watch many times and use the pause button to catch the clever comments embedded in the details of Facebook and Twitter messages.
Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says while all the Jews in Northern Kentucky are really ready for their virtual Passover Seders last night, tonight, he wondered about that time an ex Kenton County Attorney (whose name you would know) was gathering “Jew Jokes” for his newsletter:
Q: Why do we have a Haggadah at Passover?
A: So we can Seder right words.
Q: What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction?
A: A matzochist.
Moishe took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, Moishe passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this shit?”
Q: What is a Jewish nymphomaniac?
A: A wife who does her hair and sleeps with her husband on the same day.
Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: The Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: How do you know when a Jewish woman has an orgasm?
A: She drops her nail file.
Q: Why do Jewish women always go for men who are circumcised?
A: Because they find it hard to refuse anything with 10% off.
Q: Why does a married Princess close her eyes whilst she’s making love?
A: Because she can’t stand to see her husband enjoying himself.
Benny was in conversation with his friend Victor. “So Victor, how’s your sex life?”
“Oh, nothing special,” replied Victor, “I’m having Social Security Sex.”
“Social Security Sex?” says Benny, “What’s that?”
“You know, Benny, you get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”
Rifka says to her friend Hetty, “My Moshe is useless.”
“Why do you say that,” says Hetty.
“Because the way he goes about foreplay is a total waste of time. All he manages to do is make me feel like a light switch someone’s trying to find in the dark.”
Leah has a problem with her Izzy and goes to see her therapist. “Doctor, I need your help with a serious problem. Whenever my Izzy and I are in bed together, he always lets out a loud scream when he climaxes.”
“But that’s quite common, Leah, in fact it’s completely normal. There really isn’t anything I can do.”
“But doctor, my problem is that it wakes me up.”
Sadie was participating in a family survey. The interviewer asked her, “How do you feel about condoms?”
Sadie replied, “Depends on what’s in it for me.”
One day, a chicken got to know an egg in the biblical sense. After they had finished, the chicken was reclining with a post-coital cigarette in his beak. He rolls over to the egg and says, “I guess that settles it then.”
MOISHE MATZOBAUM says Jews listening to the President’s Passover Message four years ago discovered Obama was still tone deaf. Why couldn’t Obama simply call a Jewish holiday a Jewish holiday? The Meshuga Messiah insisted on co-opting our holidays for the world. Particularly offensive was comparing the Israelites’ fight for freedom with what’s going on in the Middle East these days. Once they get their own houses in order, we’ll see how they act towards Israel. But if Obama’s “Historic” Surrender to Iran was any indicator, you knew Israel would be in big trouble. Iran was already accusing Obama of “Lying About His Agreement to Make an Agreement,” even France was saying Obama made too many concessions, which was why you saw more comparisons between Obama and Neville Chamberlain with each passing day, since every Conservative in sight would soon be following Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s lead calling Obama’s “Historic” Agreement to “Make An Agreement That Won’t Ever Happen,” worse that Munich.
Because while Iran and the U.S. apparently still do not agree about what exactly was in the nuclear deal “finalized,” Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was clear about his take on the deal: the framework the White House outlined would “threaten the existence of Israel.” That Friday, Netanyahu announced that he had met with the Israeli cabinet and they were “united in strongly opposing the proposed deal with Iran.”
GOD HELP ISRAEL AND THE JEWS IN AMERICA, Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and Failed Trying To Give Obama a Third Term By Voting For Hillary, and get all of their “fake news” from our Obama Supporters in the Press, like the ones at The Fishwrap and on Channel 5, 9, 12, and 19.
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Felonious Fund-Raiser Dickie Weiland and those he bribes.
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Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous donation during our March fund-raising drive from the Jews who are still waiting to become assimilated in Northern Kentucky.
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