SATURDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2019
BEST FAKE NEWS IMPEACHMENT EVER
Trump’s 1,072nd Day In Office
To Help Them Get Over Their Trump Derangement Syndrome
This afternoon at the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane if The Blower would be publishing an end-of-the-year list of resolutions for Lunatic Liberals, who still hadn’t gotten over that little unpleasantness on November 8, 2016.
In “Some New Year’s Resolutions for Our Progressive Pals,” Town Hall’s Kurt Schlichter said 2016 was a great one for our Obama and Hillary Supporters, so Concerned Conservatives would no doubt be eager to offer some New Year’s resolutions that would keep them on their path to success. “The bottom line,” Kurt says, “is for Liberals to stay the course!”
Keep Reaffirming the Racism/Sexism/Homophobia and Other Moral Failings of Everyone Who Doesn’t Obey the Rigid Yet Constantly Mutating Laws of Political Correctness: It’s vital that you continue, at every turn, to label normal Americans “racists,” “sexists” and all the other “-ists” and “-phobes” in your Big Book O’ Liberal Slurs.
Slam Israel: Who needs Jewish voters in your coalition anymore? You’ve got urban hipsters and illegal aliens, frigid divorcees and welfare cheats, plus a declining number of blacks and more urban hipsters, so those embarrassing friends of the Zionist Entity are totally expendable.
Leverage Hollywood Star Power: As you know, all normal Americans believe Hollywood stars are powerful role models who we should emulate in our personal and political lives.
Jesusplain More: Christians definitely appreciate it when they get instructed on the tenets of their faith by someone whose most recent religious observance was driving past a Church’s Fried Chicken. We believers somehow missed how the RNC was calling Trump “Jesus,” but it didn’t get by you theologians! Good catch!
Remember, You Know Best for Us. You should do as much as you can to compel us to comply with your enlightened views. Force innocent bakers to bake cakes just because you can. People love that – especially when you simultaneously discover the moral necessity of allowing employees on a chorus line to opt out of entertaining those you deem unacceptable.
Heat-Up the Climate Change Frenzy: It must be frustrating when stupid #Science-hating normals refuse to accept that global warming is a crisis requiring we immediately give you liberals more power and money.
Don’t Hide Your Feelings On Social Media. Social media allows you the opportunity to freely express what you really think to a vast audience – use it!
Keep Nominating Ancient Leftists Whose Massive Criminal Endeavors Appall All Decent Folk. Let me say it – Hillary Clinton was a terrific candidate for the Democrats, at least from my perspective as a Republican.
And Be the Sorest of Sore Losers: Or should I say, sore winners, since Hillary obviously crushed Trump in the popular vote election we didn’t have. Keep being angry! Talk nonstop about how Trump is illegitimate – we’ve already totally forgotten that whole thing about how not promising to recognize the validity of the election results is un-American. And oppose everything Trump does – everything! After all, people don’t want change. The last eight years have been terrific for everyone who matters – just ask Obama!