SUNDAY, APRIL 07, 2019
Trump’s 807th Day In Office
At this afternoon’s meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane why The Blower spends so much time criticizing FAKE NEWS on TV and so little time calling attention to the unmistakable bias in the PRINT MEDIA.
“Great idea,” said Kane, “but first we’d have to explain the difference among the worst offending FAKE NEWSPAPERS.”
For instance, The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could find the time and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
The Chicago Tribune is read by people that are in prison that used to run the state, and would like to do so again, as would their constituents that are currently free on bail.
The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheists, and those who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
And right here in Cincinnati, the favorite FAKE NEWS publication is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.