Daily Archives: February 19, 2019

Official “Post Presidents’ Day Depression” E-dition

Trump’s 760th Day In Office
Header-February 17      Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers  

image006According to Whistleblower Lexicographer Funkin’ Wagnalls, the proper spelling for Monday’s invented holiday is “Presidents’ Day,” not “President’s Day” or “Presidents Day.” —Sidney Spellchecker

image006Please tell Sidney correct spelling is irrelevant in today’s graduate’s from public screwel’s.  Everybody now know’s that almost any and every “s” at the end of a word should be preceded by an apostrophe.  Look around.  It’s used car’s, a sale on TV’s, three taco’s for two dollar’s, three suit’s free with the purchase of one (at JOE-seff A. Bank), etc.  Want frie’s with that?  Or would it be spelled, Want fry’s with that? Whatever! —Conservative Curmudgeon Stu Mahlin

image006I much preferred it when the nation celebrated Washington’s and Lincoln’s birthdays separately, before Congress opted to change that practice for a three-day weekend.  But much more I preferred it when our Presidents were proud to uphold the dignity of the office – before President Obama embarrassed himself (without realizing it) and us with his Buzzfeed video.  May the Good Lord help us! —Bob McConnell, The Guy Who Sends You All Those Conservative Cartoons

image006Why didn’t The Blower just wish everybody a happy patri-idiotic Washington- Adams- Jefferson- Madison- Monroe- Adams- Jackson- Van Buren- Harrison- Tyler- Polk- Taylor- Fillmore- Pierce- Buchanan- Lincoln- Johnson- Grant- Hayes- Garfield- Arthur- Cleveland- Harrison- McKinley- Roosevelt- Taft-Wilson- Harding- Coolidge- Hoover- Roosevelt- Truman- Eisenhower- Kennedy- Johnson- Nixon- Ford- Carter- Reagan- Bush 41- Clinton- Bush 43-Obama-Trump Day?—Whistleblower Presidential Historian Dorian Grady

image006If you’re going to insist on always using “Bush 41” and “Bush 43,” then you must also use “Adams 2” and “Adams 6,” “Harrison 9” and “Harrison 24,” “Johnson 17” and “Johnson 36,”  and “Roosevelt 26” and “Roosevelt 32.” —Nerdly Nitpicker

image006Yesterday we just wished everybody Happy “Barack Obama is the Only President We Will Ever Care About” Day. —Leftists in the Press

image006The President was right to sign the border compromise legislation. The courts must quickly review his dubious emergency declaration so that he and future Presidents are limited in their ability to declare national emergencies. —Delusional Ex-Ohio Governor John Kasich

image006Which one of the Disingenuous D-RATS will we be supporting in 2020? Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and Failed Trying To Give Obama a Third Term By Voting For Hillary, and get all of their “fake news” from our Obama Supporters in the Press, like the ones at The Fishwrap and on Channel 5, 9, 12, and 19

image006Thanks for telling all your Persons of Consequence that the easiest most elementary tasks of party leadership is securing a candidate. Any candidate. Failing in the that……everything else about party significance becomes immaterial/irrelevant. —Hamilton County RINO Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP

image006Actually, I was not the first person to use obscenities in American politics. —Donald Freaking Trump

image006Not all of the women my husband cheated on me with claimed he told them I was a Lesbian. —Crooked Hillary

image006The President was right to sign the border compromise legislation. The courts must quickly review his dubious emergency declaration so that he and future Presidents are limited in their ability to declare national emergencies. —Delusional Ex-Ohio Governor John Kasich

image006Does anybody remember the time when the Clermont County Republican Party was considering un-endorsing me? —Ohio Second District Podiatrist/ Congressman “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup

image006Does anybody remember the last time we set up one of our biased televised debates between “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman and whoever was running against him? —League of Women Vipers

image006How many Stupid Protesters do you think showed up outside my office on “Not-My-President’s Day” to whine about the Border Wall? —Bitch McConnell

image006It’s truly an honor to be among this year’s finalists with Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane for the Ebony and Ivory Racial Healing Awards during Black History Month, now last year was called Half-Black History Month in honor of the current resident at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.—Buckwheat Blackwell

image006Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible. —The Seediest Kids of All

image006We think we deserve more credit. —United Appall People

image006We’re currently investigating that curious similarity between Saturday’s Patronage County column entitled “Be My Valentine” originally published 34 years ago and Sunday’s “Valentine’s Daze” E-dition. —Freddie Factchecker

image006We can hardly wait two weeks for all the news coverage of this year’s Mardi Gras celebration in Northern Kentucky.Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo

image006It was so tame last year, our “Girls Gone Wild at Mardi Gras” tape turned out to be a real bust. —Mainstrasse Merchants

image006You know you love Mardi Gras too much if you wake up in court with your pants on backwards.—Archie Wilson

image006We were even going to run a special “Mardi Gras” edition of our “This Week in Kenton Circuit Court” Newsletter, but nothing exciting happened.—Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E. Rob Sanders

image006What did you think of that Covington kid Nick Sandmann suing the Washington Post for a paltry $250 million? —Eric “Call Me Still Disbarred” Deters

image006$250 Million? That’s chump change. —$tan Che$ley

image006Did you know Mardi Gras means “Fat Tuesday?”—Weight Gainers 

image006Did you know when you translate “Mardi Gras,” it means “Fat Mardi.” —Goof Doofus

image006I keep dreaming about Mardi Gras Night at a casino in Kentucky.—Bluegrass Governor Matt Bevin

image006I keep dreaming about our D-RAT Dominatrix dressed only in beads. —Rick “The Batboy” Robinson

image006Whenever I used to throw beads at slutty girls, they always threw them back. —Will “The Thrill” Terwort

image006Did they do anything special for Mardi Gras at Golden Corral? —Clueless Marc Wilson

image006For some of us, every Tuesday is “Fat Tuesday.”  —Scott “Pass the Biscuits” Kimmich

image006You can’t imagine how much drinking goes on at Mardi Gras.—Michael Liquid Plummer and Nathan “Cornbread” Smith

image006When will The Blower start counting down till BB&BJ Day? —Horny in Hebron

image006Why do they always celebrate Mardi Gras on a Tuesday? —TV 19’s Lingerie-Model-Turned-Reporter-Turned-Anchorbimbo Tricia “Leemarie” Macke

image006Does anybody remember when I quit WXIX-TV to embark on the most ambitious independent journalism project in history and make the Truth in Media project a reality? —Ben Swann

image006This year, we’re postponing the launch of our most profitable issue, the one devoted to swimsuits, which is now a multimedia extravaganza, from mid-February to mid-May. Sports Illustrated

image006I just got done reading last year’s Sports Illustrated “Swimsuit Edition,” but only for the articles. —Your Good Friend Bobby Leach  

 image006What articles? —Ex-Citizens for Community Values President Phil Burr-Ass

Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially SWIMSUIT PHOTOGRAPHERS.

PLAGIARISM COUNT: Unattributed material was pilfered from only 643 different websites for the production of today’s Blower.

More Presidents’ Day E-Cards


 Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer

 Sometimes, The Blower makes fun of Presidents’ Day because it’s our sworn duty to ridicule a made-up holiday that nobody can spell, not unlike Kwanzaa.  

          This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental — especially guys who slackers for whom Monday was a merely a day off with pay.

(Trump Crossing In To Mexico Commercial)

Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.