TUESDAY, JANUARY 29, 2019
Trump’s 739th Day In Office
Enough Global Warming Already
Tomorrow’s e-ditions of The Whistleblower-Newswire will be on a two-hour weather delay. Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane shouldn’t have any trouble walking downstairs to our office in the basement Wednesday morning; it’s just that he decided to sleep in like the rest of the slackers. That’s because our Official Snow Policy states: Even when the Forrest Gump $kool District isn’t closed, and Mercy Health Plex is still open (but the Warm Water Therapy Pool is still closed for maintenance), The Blower will still be open for business. So while we’re all waiting for The Blower staff to process all of today’s snitches and bitches sent in by our readers, here’s some cold weather crap to warm the cockles of your heart, in you know what we mean.
One of the guys found a new use for duct tape. He put it across the bottom of his TV screen so he doesn’t have to watch all those school closings. Wouldn’t it be easier just to announce what’s still open? Or how just about flashing a message that says: “Everything’s closed. Stay home, Stupid!”
Do you think there was enough snow hype in the news media? That message on the Perfect North Slopes web page was really timely. Remember when that former local TV weather guesser used to ask the young interns if they’d like to help him measure his inches?
Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today comes from our good friend Bobby Leach, who says, “I remember one morning it was so cold, I woke up with nothing on but a thin girl.” And Bobby also says, “It doesn’t matter what the wind chill factor is outside, I remember when Sasha Rionda used to be on TV12. She was one hot Mexican tamale. Ole!”
Recently, The Blower explained the origin of “Colder than a witch’s tit” and “cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.” Today we’re sending one of reporters to Bond Hill to ask one of da brothers how cold a motherfucker really is.
Why do they have to close all the schools on snow days anyway? It’s not because of the snow. It’s because of the lawyers. They don’t want to get sued for a million dollars every time some little bastard gets his tongue stuck to the flag pole or slips on the ice because they couldn’t clear the student parking lot.
Anderson Trustee Andy Pappas says, “We never have to declare a snow emergency in our affluent community, because all our township roads are heated.” Pappas, however did say he got the last roll of toilet paper at Kroger. One of the Sheriff’s Department’s “Citizens on Patrol” reported he saw a couple eating each other in one of the parked cars at the Food Court, but snow flurries had only just started and he didn’t really think they were cannibals.
You can still get your own copy of “The Politically Incorrect Guide to Global Warming and Environmentalism” free (except for a paltry $3.95 for shipping and handling) if you join the Conservative Book Club.
Duffy “The Doppler Slayer” Beischel says is God really being sued because of climate change. If you don’t believe it, read this!
Since the local weather gurus say they have the highest rate of training and knowledge, why the hell are they so wrong all the time? Our sport’s teams are losers; it’s no wonder our weather freaks are losers, too! Send those weather buffoons the bill for the 50 pounds of salt you poured on your driveway Wednesday morning.
Finally, remember last week when Bunky Tadwell sent us a copy of his poem entitled “Winter” that simply said, “Jesus H. Christ, it’s cold out there! (The end)?” Well today, the Bard of Cleves has a fast four-liner about our climate:
They say there is Global Warming,
But if I may be so crass;
This friggin’ Global Warming,
Is really freezing my ass!
Today’s Whistleblower is brought to you by a generous donation during our January fund-raising drive from Duke Energy, inviting you to play Dukeopoly.