THURSDAY, JANUARY 03, 2019
Trump’s 713th Day In Office
Our New Year’s Resolution Is To Be Less Sarcastic
Last week, The Blower published New Year Year’s Resolutions for some of our local celebrities. They were the real local celebrity New Year’s Resolutions, because any other local celebrity New Year’s resolutions you might have seen published elsewhere were surely fake. Now we know 2019 has hardly begun, but let’s take a look to see how some our resolvers are doing anyway, just for fun.
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on today’s date in 1995 the 104th Congress became the first held entirely under Republican control since the Eisenhower era. Thanks to Newt Gingrich and his “Contract with America,” the Republican Party won majority control of Congress for the first time in forty years. And with all the RINOs we have running the party these days, The Blower says they should’ve had a “Contract With Trump” in 2018.
In a related story, CONGRESSMAN STEVE CHABOTHEAD said last year he’d figured out how the Republicans could’ve held on to the House and Senate in 2018, and all those losers didn’t listen to him either. PODIATRIST/COLONEL BRONZE STAR BRAD WENSTRUP said one of his top priorities moving forward was to continue working with our Senate colleagues to fully repeal and replace Obamacare with patient-centered, market-driven healthcare reforms.
CINCINNATI BUNGALS OWNER “MILLIONAIRE MIKE” BROWN hoped it was a good idea to bring back Starvin’ Marvin to coach the Bungals this year.
FECKLESS FISHWRAPPERS were working hard to get into the FAKE NEWS Big Leagues, along with the likes of ABC, CBS, NBC, NYT, WAPO, and LAT.
HAMILTON COUNTY RINO PARTY BOSS ALEX T., MALL COP GOP was still trying to explain how Crooked Hillary got so many votes in Hamilton County in 2016, our Dishonest DemocRATS didn’t even need Voter Fraud.
AWARD-WINNING PHOTO ILLUSTRATOR ARTIS CONCEPTION still promised to make fun of local politicians, just like when he sent The Blower this picture of Hamilton County Demo Labor Party Boss Tim Burka trying to counsel Ditzy Democrat Hamilton County Juvenile Court Judge Tracie Hunter not to run for office while she was still waiting to go to jail.
CINCINNATI’s DIMINUTIVE DEMOCRAT MAYOR JOHN CRANLEY was resolved to shake things up on Clown-cil, giving three newly elected Cincinnati City Council members committee chairs while screwing over two veteran D-RATS like CLOWNCILGAY CHRIS SQUEALBACK and WENDELL YOUNG. Not only that, Cranley had replaced DEMOCRAT VICE MAYOR DAVID MANN with conservative-leaning independent CHRIS SMITHERMOUTH. Meanwhile, Mann had already agreed to return as Grand Marshal of the Backstabbers Day Parade on March 15, where he’ll again be leading the rest of the Stupid Streetcar Six along the route of the Trolley Folly.
YOUR DISINGENUOUS DOUBLE-DIPPING DEMOCRAT AUDITOR said Hamilton County residents could then file their “formal complaints” objecting to the “Fair Property Values” he just made up on their Triennial Updates.
COAST’S LITIGIOUS LAWYER CHRIS FINNEY was still resolved to have to a 2018 Christmas Party where any political wannabee could get in for free, but would still had to pay for his own food and drinks.
“TAXKILLER TOM” BRINKMAN promised to update his web page one of these days.
REPUBLICANS FOR HIGHER TAXES: were sure there would be plenty of good tax increases to support in 2018.
IGNORANT AND APATHETIC HAMILTON COUNTY VOTERS: Probably still wouldn’t be paying attention.
ANDERSON TEA PARTY TRUSTEE ANDY PAPPAS said he’ll try hard to get us a Hardee’s restaurant, so we can see all those sexy commercials on Anderson Community Cable TV.
Meanwhile, REDSKINS SUPPORTERS could hardly wait to see the latest flim-flamery from the THREE AMIGOS on the FORREST GUMP SCHOOLS BOARD (HEIS, FROOMAN, AND SMITH).
TEA PARTY PATRIOTS: Were hoping once again to become “relevant” in 2018, after they’d been totally absorbed by the Republican Party in 2014.
BLUEGRASS BUREAU CHIEF KEN CAMBOO knew he needed to work harder to find a few more good NoKY snitches.
U.S. SENATOR RAND PAUL promised to try to find out why his neighbor is “unhappy” after being charged with assault just for breaking six of the senator’s ribs.
WHISTLEBLOWER GOSSIP COLUMNIST LINDA LIBEL said she would soon reveal the name of her next “Political Philanderer.”
KENTUCKY CONGRESSMAN THOMAS MASSIE was resolved to let everybody know he’d never ever caved in to Obama the way Chabothead and Wenstrup did.
THAT CABAL OF NOKY ATTORNEYS OUT TO DESTROY ERIC “CALL ME CRAZY” DETERS was resolved to figure out how a “Non-Attorney Spokesman” could practice law.
MICHAEL LIQUID PLUMMER AND NATHAN “CORNBREAD” SMITH failed to learn how to pronounce “inebriated” at the Whistleblower’s New Year’s Eve Party.
HORNY IN HEBRON said we should check out the Facebooks for some of those Wilder Women.
MISS VICKI: said she hadn’t forgotten to call Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about getting together “after the holidays.”
OUR GOOD FRIEND BOBBY LEACH said, “So much for my New Year’s Resolutions.But you couldn’t break ‘em, if you didn’t make ‘em.”
QUOTE FOR THE DAY COMMITTEE chose Dave Beard’s “Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve stuck with it ever since.”
WHISTLEBLOWER SNITCHES said we’re resolved as we hear something bad about somebody, we’ll e-mail it to The Blower immediately even if we’re at work!
BELOVED WHISTLEBLOWER PUBLISHER CHARLES FOSTER KANE said there was little chance he’ll ever forget the “Whistleblower Motto.”
FINALLY, WHISTLEBLOWER INTERNS have so far been successfully keeping KANE’S Surprise Birthday Party on Monday. Good luck with that.
POST HOLIDAY DEPRESSIONS HOT LINE
e-mail us something today if you still give a crap
Some really sad items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally really sad subscribers.
Whistleblower Video of the Day
Sex Machine 2017: Starting the New Year off with a bang.
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here