Another obligatory year-end ritual for pandering publications is a list of celebrities’ New Year’s resolutions. Here’s some you’ll probably never see:
DONALD TRUMP: Come up with more outrageous things to tweet that will piss off the Liberal News Media so they’ll give me more free air time.
MITCH McCONNELL: Try not to look like such a wimp every time he caves in to those Disingenuous DemocRATS.
NANCY PELOSI and CHUCK SCHUMER: Try to come up with a “Plan B,” in case Trump doesn’t cave in to their ridiculous demands.
OBAMA: Try not to get upset each time another part of my legacy is being flushed down the toilet.
CROOKED HILLARY: Hope nobody finds more incriminating evidence.
SLICK WILLIE: Deny each and every one of his new “alleged” Sexual Assaults.
DISGRACED FIRED EX-FBI DIRECTOR JAMES COMEY: Hope 2019 brings more Ethical Leadership in government.
DUMBED-DOWN, SELF-ABSORBED, MEDIA-INFLUENCED, CELEBRITY-OBSESSED, POLITICALLY-CORRECT, UNINFORMED, SHORT-ATTENTION-SPAN, FREE-STUFF GRABBING, LOW-INFORMATION OBAMA SUPPORTERS WHO PUT THE POSITIVELY WORST PRESIDENT IN HISTORY IN THE WHITE HOUSE—TWICE, AND PLANNED TO GIVE OBAMA A THIRD TERM BY VOTING FOR CROOKED HILLARY, AND GET ALL OF THEIR LOCAL “FAKE NEWS” FROM OUR OBAMA SUPPORTERS IN THE PRESS, LIKE THE ONES AT THE FISHWRAP, AND ON CHANNEL 5, 9, 12, AND 19: Wait for another “Blue Wave” in 2020.
OTHER DEPRESSED DEMOCRATS: Hope they find a cure for Trump Derangement Syndrome sometime during the next 671 days until Trump is re-elected in 2020.
CLIMATE CHANGE FANATICS: Try not to get upset every time we get trolled by The Trumpster.
TUCKER CARLSON: Try to keep from laughing every time Mark Steyn says something really funny.
OHIO’S DELUSIONAL EX-REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR JOHN KASICH: See how many times he can appear on one of those Sunday Morning TV Talk Shows to bash our Republican President.
ROB “FIGHTING FOR FAGELLAS” PORTMAN: Stop worrying about of his support from that 1.6% of the population who are actually Sodomy Rites Practitioners
DAVID A. PEPPER: As Ohio’s Disingenuous DemocRAT Party Boss, I’m resolved to teach all those Defeated DemocRATS how to win like he did.
TRI-STATE VOTE FRAUDERS: Get ready for the next elections.
FAKE NEWS CNN: Try to act surprised when we win Trump’s 2018 FAKE NEWS CONTEST.
FECKLESS FISHWRAPPERS: Hope to be included in the FAKE NEWS Big Leagues, along with the likes of ABC, CBS, NBC, NYT, WAPO, and LAT.
HAMILTON COUNTY REPUBLICANS: Continue wandering in the political wilderness.
“MEAN JEAN” SCHMIDT: Come up with a really good explanation for why she’s running for a “state office.”
FOREST HILLS SCHOOLS BOARD: Hope Redskins Supporters stop reading about the Anderson Apocalypse in The Blower.
WHISTLEBLOWER GOSSIP COLUMNIST LINDA LIBEL: Complete her book of political sex scandals about people whose names you would know.
WHISTLEBLOWER NEWSWIRE: Try to be a just little less sarcastic.
These are the real celebrities’ New Year’s Resolutions. Any other local celebriies’ New Year’s resolutions you may see published elsewhere are surely fake.
BROKEN NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS HOT LINE
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Some phony New Year’s Resolution items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally phony New Year’s Resolution subscribers.
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