TUESDAY, JANUARY 01, 2019
Trump’s 711th Day In Office
Bowling in the New Year
It wasn’t even 8AM yesterday morning before either College Football Playoff Semifinal Bowl Games had been played and the talking heads on Sports Center were already arguing about which college football team should be ranked number one in next year’s pre-season polls. No kidding. And you thought all that presidential campaign hype went on too long. The rest of us will have to continue our countdown of the next 672 days till Trump’s re-election, starting off with the Trumpster’s promise not to reopen the federal government until Congress votes to give him that Border Wall funding voters deserve.
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1863, Republican President Abraham Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation calling on the Union army to liberate all slaves in states still in rebellion as “an act of justice,” and despite fighting it tooth and nail from Day One, Dishonest DemocRATS have been taking credit for it ever since.
—Today’s Top Trump Tweets —
Another Empathy Statement
As the Old Year comes to an end, The Blower would like to cease and desist from our customary daily political bashing to offer our empathy for all those affected by misfortunes and disasters during the past year. To be hit so hard by circumstances beyond your control is often too much for many people to bear. Who’ll ever forget the wretched sobs of those poor souls suffering Trump Derangement Syndrome or bemoaning the loss of their Health Insurance because of ObamaCare? But enough about all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, And Planned To Give Obama a Third Term By Voting For Crooked Hillary, and get all of their local “fake news” from our Obama Supporters in the Press, like the ones at The Fishwrap, and on Channel 5, 9, 12, and 19., Already!
Our First Prediction for 2019
- Tired of reading what to expect for the New Year?
- Unimpressed by crystal-ball forecasts and psychic predictions
- Couldn’t care less about whose ugly baby was born first?
- Bored by lame lists of “who’s in” and “who’s out?”
- Turned off by self-righteous editorials dictating resolutions for everyone else to keep?
- Repulsed by repetitious recaps of celebrities who died last year and fresh faces for the year ahead?
- Unable to invest in all those sure-fire year-end stock market tips?
- Sick of suggestions by the same pretentious Tri-staters on how to handle the same issues and challenges in 2019 that they screwed up in 2018?
- In short, are you over-dosed on all that silly end-of-the-year media hype that serves no purpose except to take up space?
You are? What a freaking coincidence! We asked the Magic Eight Ball, and it predicted you’d say “Yes.”
OHIO FIRST DISTRICT CONGRESSMAN STEVE CHABOTHEAD borrowed a page from The Blower and published his own New Years Resolutions:
Don’t give up the day job, Steve!
A New Year’s Poem from Bunky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves
Ode to the New Year
Oh, the New Year’s a’comin’,
It don’t look so hot.
Yes, the New Year’s a’comin’.
Unfortunately I’m not.
More Proud Sponsors and Avid Fans
Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our January fund-raising drive by the Send “Crooked Hillary To Jail Committee, wondering if those clowns running the DOJ/FBI these days will ever do their damn jobs.
Happy New Year!
2019 Conservative New Year’s Resolutions: Lock Her Up Already
MORE FAKE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS HOT LINE
e-mail your satirical suggestions today.
Some fake New Year’s Resolution items in today’s Blower were sent in by our fake New Year’s Resolution-making subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.
Whistleblower New Year’s Day Video
Note: We guarantee cell phone subscribers who don’t go home and see our links and pictures on their wide-screen monitors are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.