SATURDAY, MAY 12, 2018
Don’t Forget Mother’s Day Tomorrow
Mother’s Day is getting to be too commercial. This year they started putting up decorations right after Kwanzaa. Then there’s all that Mother’s Day music on the radio and everybody goes around wishing each other “Happy Mother’s Day,” even if you’re Jewish, but then their “Why Haven’t You Called Your Mother” celebration lasts for eight days. (Cincinnati Bell says Mother’s Day is the one day each year your mom won’t mind if you call her collect.) And all those Mothers you see in the stores aren’t the real Mother. They’re only Mother’s little helpers. And on Mother’s Day Eve, little children will be waiting for that Big Mother to come down the chimney. But you know they’re really hyping it, when you see Mother’s Day cards for fathers at Walgreens. No wonder a group calling itself Mothers Acting Up is holding a big parade tomorrow to help lead the observance of Mother’s Day back to its roots. Of course, hairy-legged Feminists will be against Mother’s Day. And now we know why our Quote for Today Committee chose “Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.”
Ohio Right to Life sends out a lot of Mother’s Day Cards, but Baby-Killers at Planned Parenthood won’t have that unnecessary expense.
On Sunday, Obama Supporters in the Press will be in full swoon remembering their Messiah’s Mother’s Day Message to same-sex mothers. But why should tomorrow be any different? The Blower recalls when Obama will be called a WBA player to congratulate her for coming out as a lesbian.
At Cincinnati City-Clown-cil, SMLP Smithermouth and Wendell Young are illegally tweeting each other about a Million Yo Mommas March Against Black-on-Black Violence. (In the picture to the right, This Mama Ain’t Playin’, as her poor misunderstood yoof is forced to stand holding a sign that says “Hi, I’m 18 years old. I STEAL! I want to go to prison to be with my daddy!”)
Also, at Cincinnati City Hall, everybody remembers when former Vice Mayor Stevecia Reece threatened to send a Big Mother to beat you up if you told the FBI about her Daddy’s deals. Our City Hall Snitch wondered what Acting City Manager Patrick Duhaney will be giving City Clown-cil members for Mother’s Day, hoping his job will become permanent. And did anybody ever rescind Val the Impaler’s directives that all department heads and supervisors ensure that Whistleblower Mother’s Day greetings are NOT posted on City Hall bulletin boards, because the former City Manager said anybody who fails to regard her directive as a serious matter would be subject to extreme disciplinary action?
Over at the Courthouse, Clerk of Courts Aflac says if you want to see if your mom is being getting garnisheed, you can always check it out on his web page. If you want to see how much your mom’s property values were jacked up, you can look it up on the Disingenuous DemocRAT County Auditor’s web page. Republicans for Higher Taxes always wants your mom to pay higher taxes, but Double-faced DemocRAT Hamilton County Commissioner Odd Todd Opportune and Crooked Hillary’s Local Spokeswoman Denise Driehaus will have to wait for their next chance to raise your mother’s taxes on the first chance they gets, without help from Outnumbered Republican Commissioner Chris Monzel.
Also at the Courthouse, Also at the Courthouse, everybody’s wondering if our former Jungle Fever Boy Judge remembers that time he didn’t feel welcome on Mother’s Day if he showed up at the Sniveling Attorney General’s farm in Cedarville with another fat Black Floozie. We wonder what the Baptist Bigots at Cedarville University thought about that!
Demo-Labor Party Boss Tim Burka says Demo-Labor Party Boss Tim Burka says his hero Jerry Springer is planning a tasteful Mother’s Day tribute on his TV show, including listing all the mothers he’d pay to have sex with. Hamilton County RINO Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP plans to write another meaningless Mother’s Day message to his followers on Twitter, accusing all those black mothers in politics like not yet incarcerated Tracie Hunter and no longer vice-mayor Yvette Simpson, along with Wendell Young of being incompetent. Dumpy DemocRAT Obama-Loving Former Ohio First District One-Term Congressman Steve Drinkhaus remembers the word for Mother in Swazi, the southern Bantu language spoken in Swaziland. The Ohio RINO Party is sending out Mother’s Day Cards for all of their “Rubber Stamp Central Committee Members from Party Boss Jane Timken. And Delusional Ohio Republican Governor John Kasich expects all you mothers to support his 2020 presidential campaign. “Mean Jean” Schmidt plans to send out plagiarized Mother’s Day greetings to her crooked cronies in Clermont County, and Bird Colonel “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup will be wishing moms a Happy Mother’s Day too, in a special Mother’s Day fund-raising e-mail. Meanwhile, all the other Crooks in Congress say, “Your mother doesn’t really want us to build Trump’s Wall, but thanks a lot for our own heath care benefits, as well as our last raise.”
Black people especially appreciate Mother’s Day. In the ‘hood, they use the word “mother” in so many colorful ways. Many of these “mothers” are on Cincinnati’s Likely Killers List. And in Lower Price Hill, Mamacitas in Cinco-de-Natti will enjoy a delicious Mother’s Day burrito.
At Loveland’s Dildo World, Patty Brisben says, “Send your mom something nice in a plain brown wrapper.” The Blower’s 2007 Tri-state Mother of the Year Donna Trevino says if any of her friends in the news media would like to stop by on Mother’s Day, please bring a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken— extra crispy. And in Anderson Township, Trustee Andrew Pappas says, “When you take mom out for Mother’s Day brunch around here, you’d better hope she likes Video Slot Machines.” Also in Anderson Keep Our Redskins! Coordinator “Suecules” Veldkamp will be sending out a Mother’s Day e-mail in her never-ending fight against the forces of Political Correctness in Anderson Township, as well as the Corruption and Stupidity in the Forest Hills School District. Meanwhile, if you still have any money left after filling your tank at your neighborhood gas station this week, you can always Google all those overpriced restaurants in Greater Cincinnati to see if any of them are offering Dom Perignon and Bollinger at half price on Mother’s Day.
In Y’All Ville, Mayor Blondie Whalen says Victoria’s Secret suggests see-through lingerie for mom. In Independence, where incest is best, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says Mother’s Day is always a family affair, because it’s also Cousin’s Day. At Mainstrasse Pub, single mothers with big breasts always drink free. In Covington, the new law says you can’t discriminate against a mother, especially if she’s a lesbian, while Whistleblower Alternative Life-style Columnists Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis get to play “Mommy and Daddy,” and our Cross-Dressing Attorney tries on some more of his mom’s clothes. Gex “Rhymes with Sex” Williams says in southern Boondoggle County, they even have Mother’s Day cards for barnyard animals. Elsewhere in Northern Kentucky, illegal alien moms are being rounded-up and deported. Former Governor Paul Patton Her on the Ass says Mother’s Day is always a great day to enjoy a three-way, just like every other day.
Former Bluegrass Governor Ernie Fletcher says he hopes your mother isn’t indicted on Mother’s Day. We hope Kenton County County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders doesn’t forget to put out a special Mother’s Day e-dition of his titillating e-newsletter this week. At the Kenton County Escape Center, Terry “The Smiling” Jailer says those delicious baloney sandwiches are still on the menu for Mother’s Day at Chez Bastille. Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters says he’ll be glad to sue your Mother, even though he’s not supposed to be practicing law in Kentucky any more. Uptight Bitches in Fort Mitchell are hoping for a real orgasm on Mother’s Day. Michael Liquid Plummer and his designated driver Nathan “Cornbread” Smith say they can drink your mother under the table. Clueless Marc Wilson says he’ll be taking his Mother to the all-you-can-eat buffet at the Golden Corral. On Flashlight Theatre, they’ll be showing that sci-fi thriller “Mothers from Outer Space.” Near the Peace Bell in Newport, the manager of the Goodyear store says, “Give mom a lube job.” And Perry the Pervert says, “This year, forget the Whitman’s Sampler that’ll make her ass bigger. Get mom what she really wants– a 10 HP Craftsman penis stretcher for dad from Sears.” Perry explains, “It eventually works.”
Finally, Bluegrass Rifle Association spokesman Billy Bob Carbine says his mother needed protection, so he went out and bought his pistol-packing mama another Glock, along with a concealed carry permit.
More Proud Sponsor and Avid Fans
Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our May fund-raising drive by the good groom gals at the European Wax Center at the Anderson Towne Center, offering FREE BIKINI WAXES for Moms of all ages for Mother’s Day.
MOTHER’S DAY GIFTS HOT LINE
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Whistleblower Mother’s Day Video
“Dude, That’s my Mom”
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.