SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2018
Breaking News On This Week’s Number One Story
We now return you to your regularly scheduled E-dition
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1847, the Donner Party was rescued after having been stranded in the snow in the Sierra Nevada Mountains, and for that short time and place, cannibalism in America was OK, Whistleblower Freebie Gourmet Martin UpChuck says alfresco dining hasn’t quite been the same since.
THAT’S WHY YOUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Will Rogers’ “The difference between a Republican and a DemocRAT is the DemocRAT is a cannibal — they have to live off each other–while the Republicans, why, they live off the DemocRATS.”
THE LATEST POLLS: Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen says Senator Rand Paul stood as a lone dissenting voice late last week as Senate leaders rammed through a bipartisan budget that dramatically increases military and domestic spending. The Kentucky Republican bemoaned the lack of conservatives in power right now, and a lot of voters agree with him. The latest Rasmussen Reports national telephone and online survey finds that 42% of Likely U.S. Voters agree with Paul’s statement: “When the Democrats are in power, Republicans appear to be the conservative party. But when Republicans are in power, it seems there is no conservative party.” Thirty-four percent (34%) disagree, but one-in-four voters (23%) are undecided
THURSDAY, OUR LATE NIGHT TV JOKE WATCHER SAID MOST OF THE LATE NIGHT DEMOCRAT COMEDIANS WERE OFF THIS WEEK, EXCEPT JIMMY KIMMEL, WHO WAS STILL TAKING CHEAP SHOTS AT THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION: Vice President Pence is shedding light on what he did and did not do when he was seated by North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un’s sister during the opening ceremony. Pence explained he didn’t avoid her, he ignored her. Like he does all women.
(Maybe Jimmy Kimmel should’ve taken the week off, too.)
NOW HERE’S THE LATEST FROM BUNKY TADWELL, The Odious Octegenarian: This poem appears in his “Sentimental Poems of Presidential Birthdays,” found in better bookstores everywhere, except in Cleves.
Ode to Presidents’ Days
George Washington, your day is through.
Abe Lincoln, you are done.
Instead of honoring your birthdays,
We just have retail fun.
SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL: Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible. This week’s Seediest Kid of All was “Me, Greg” Hartmann, an attention-starved Hyde Park second-grader who was never chosen for anything important, no matter how much he sucked up to everybody at school. [READ MORE HERE]
“SAME PLAY, DIFFERENT PLAYERS,” We learned what happened in Patronage County on Presidents’ Day. That op-ed column first appeared in the legendary Mt. Washington Press on February 18, 1981.
PLARAGISM ALERT: Some Persons of Consequence might notice a tremendous similarity between this week’s Patronage County column entitled “Be My Valentine” published 7 years ago and our upcoming “Valentine’s Daze” E-dition. Many of the words and phrases appear to have been copied verbatim, which means “word-for-word” for all our Failed Cincinnati Public Schools and Forrest Gump Schools graduates. Is it possible that somebody at The Whistleblower-Newswire pilfered the prose from that little-known op-ed columnist at the Mt. Washington Press for his own purposes? Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane says you may be sure we will be getting to the bottom of it.
LIBERAL LUNACY:In Human Events’ “365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy,” No. 137 says, it says during Black History Month (formerly known as February), always refer to it as “Fake History Month.” Then explain that you refuse to support a racist event which essentially demeans African Americans by subtly implying that they are too bigoted and dumb to relate to any historical event which doesn’t involve people with the right skin tone.
GOING GALT means taking the John Galt Pledge. Let’s all say it together: “I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.”
MEANWHILE, OUR MUCKRAKER wonders if anybody remembers the name of the woman (the hooker) who was removed as kicked off the Hamilton County Trump campaign. Somebody said they thought she was trying to catch on one of the Ohio Gubernatorial Campaign this year.
Following last week’s mass shooting at a school in Florida, folks hereabouts should be asking how safe their local schools are.
WHISTLEBLOWER SENIOR BUSINESS EDITOR MERRILL FORBES says The House passed various measures relating to consumer credit and tort reform. The Senate debated immigration reforms all week.
Next Week: Both the House and Senate be out of session and return to Washington the week of February 26.
THE FREE GRAIN PARTY still stands as the last refuge of anyone who’s willing to help himself from the stores of others, and many Free Grain Party Members are FREE to get paid for staying home tomorrow on the Federal Holiday.
Free Grain Party Members include all DemocRATS, RINO Republicans, some TEA Partiers, quite a few Independents, disgruntled postal workers, senior citizens demanding free prescriptions, those who believe bigger government is the answer to all their problems, everybody who said “what Bill Clinton did was indefensible, but he shouldn’t be removed from office,” and those who think pork-barrel spending is OK as long as their district gets the money.
Unfortunately, that group probably doesn’t include all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and Failed Trying To Give Obama a Third Term By Voting For Hillary, and get all of their information from our Obama Supporters in the Press, like the ones at The Fishwrap and on Channel 5, 9, 12, and 19.
Racial Healing Update
Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane says he’s really proud he was that he and his brother from a different mother Buckwheat Blackwell are again finalists for this year’s Ebony and Ivory Racial Healing Awards during Black History Month (sometimes called Half-Black History Month in honor Obama and other times called Black Lives Really Really Matter History Month in honor of Obama’s Holdover Protesters), and Award-winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception thinks those guys have a pretty good chance.
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Hamilton County’s Disingenuous Double-Dipping DemocRAT Auditor, who still hasn’t explained exactly how his office came up with its Fair Property Values for your Jacked-Up Property Taxes.
Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception shows us what might happen if you file a complaint with the Auditor’s Board of Revision.
AND COMING UP IN “THE WEEK THAT WILL BE”:
MONDAY (FEBRUARY 19) we’ll be celebrating Presidents’ Daze by working to Make America Great just like our new president.
TUESDAY (FEBRUARY 20) our Real Subscribers will be commenting on the latest “Very Fake News” in The Fishwrap.
WEDNESDAY, (FEBRUARY 21) The Blower will be catching up on Black Lives Really, Really Matter History Month, and checking all those white people’s “Guilt Indexes.”
THURSDAY (FEBRUARY 22) The Blower will be celebrating Washington’s Real Birthday because The Blower believes the Father of Our Country deserves a holiday of his own
THE FIRST LINE OF FRIDAY’S (FEBRUARY 23) LIMERICK IS: “The best part about Dead President’s Day.”
AND SATURDAY (FEBRUARY 24) Whistleblower Culinary Correspondent Martin UpChuck will tell us what happens when you ask for a “doggy bag” from one of those restaurants at the 2018 Winter Olympics in Korea.
Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 742 different websites for the production of today’s Blower, many of our filches were from our friends at Weasel Zippers.
WEEK IN REVIEW HOT LINE
e-mail your revolutionary recaps today
Some political score-keeping items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally political score-keeping subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.
Tonight’s Whistleblower Video
Abraham Lincoln Song
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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