FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2018
Presenting The Pyeongchang Penis
At this morning’s meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about the news coverage of the Winter Olympics in South Korea.
“Take this story for example,” Kane answered. “Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall liked the ribald report about how the Winter Olympics torch lighting ceremony was mocked as viewers said the giant metal rings used to ignite the cauldron looked like a “robot fire penis.”
The Sun said millions watched as torchbearer Kim Yuna lowered the flame to an “icicle mound” at the climax of today’s spectacular opening ceremony in Pyeongchang. South Korean figure skater Kim, who won gold in Vancouver in 2010 and silver in Sochi four years later, was given the honor to light the Olympic flame in her home country – always a highlight of an opening ceremony. She performed a short skating routine before receiving the torch at the end of a relay that included action movie hero Jackie Chan earlier in the day. Her big moment came in front of 35,000 fans in the stadium including a 200-strong North Korean cheerleading squad.
Kim lowered the torch to an icicle mound and a flaming steel rod began to rise from underground.
Flames licked up the 30 steel rings to ignite the cauldron at the climax of the opening ceremony.
Moments later a rod-shaped steel erection burst from underground, and flames shot up the 30 rings to the lip of the cauldron. Stunned viewers watching on television around the world had only one thing on their minds.
One Twitter user wrote: “Why did South Korea choose to light the Olympic torch with some sort of flaming robot penis?”
Another said: “Exceptionally phallic lighting of the torch #OpeningCeremony.” (MORE)
Speaking of Phallic Olympic Symbols, Kane said. “Does anybody remember when local Flim-flammer Nick Vehr scammed all that money from local leaders for his Wet Dream 2012 Winter Olympics bid? Maybe we could do an update about that.”