SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2018
Do You Know A RETARD Or TURD?
Recurring Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder (RETARD), sometimes referred to as Trump Unacceptance & Resistance Disorder (TURD), is a pattern of pathologically dissociative and psychotic behavior, first observed in the late hours of November 8, 2016, and increasing in severity with passing time. RETARD Sufferers often exhibit pronounced cognitive dissonance, sudden bouts of rage, uncontrollable crying, suicidal ideation, and extreme butthurt.
SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS:
RETARDS (and TURDS) are characterized by a persistent unwillingness to accept that Donald Trump is going to Make America Great Again. Individual sufferers often display signs of paranoia and delusion; in acute cases psychotic episodes have been observed. RETARD (and TURDS) is different from being upset about the results of the 2016 presidential election; People with RETARD (and TURDS) are unwilling or unable to accept reality, despite irrefutable evidence.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition (DSM-V), individuals with RETARD (and TURD) exhibit most or all of the following symptoms:
Telling others they are moving to Canada
Fixated on fantasies about the Electoral College
Protesting an election no credible source contests the outcome of
Exclamations that “Someone” should do “Something”
Sudden weight gain
Acute change in demeanor from pompous and arrogant to fearful and combative
Claim that anyone who disagrees with them is some combination of Racist, Sexist, Bigoted, Homophobic, and Actually is Hitler
CAUSES AND MECHANISMS:
RETARD (or TURD) was directly caused by the election of Donald Trump as President of the United States of America. For many, both in America and worldwide, this was a shocking and unexpected outcome; their preferred news sources having failed to inform them that the alternative candidate was a criminal parasite in such ill health she got chucked into the back of a van like a kidnap victim.
Research is ongoing, but RETARD (or TURD) appears to correlate closely with the following environmental and behavioral factors:
Membership in the DemocRAT party
Identifying as a Feminist
Currently enrolled in college, and/or
Possession of a Liberal Arts college degree
Living in a densely populated metropolitan area
Massive student debt
Spotty or non-existent work history
Diagnosis of RETARD (or TURD) is straightforward. Ask the patient if Donald Trump is the 45th Next President of the United States of America. Some patients will become agitated, and may attempt to deflect. It’s critical you press them on the issue, even if they start babbling about ‘muh triggers’. A sufferer of RETARD (or TURD) will begin to ramble incoherently, often displaying three or more of the symptoms within a short period of time.
A diagnosis of RETARD (or TURD) is highly co-morbid with Paraphilic Infantilism, Emotional Eating, Bush Derangement Syndrome, and adult bed wetting.
The only known effective treatment is exposure therapy. The patient must be repeatedly exposed to reality, and should wear a Make America Great Again hat as long as they are able to tolerate it. Each exposure should increase in length, after a week the patient should be encouraged to be seen in public wearing the MAGA hat. Coach the patient to refer to Donald Trump as “My President” Trump.
Patients with RETARD (or TURD) are very resistant to treatment, and dangerous in large groups. Any possibility of treatment requires that they be separated from their hive-mind support apparatus; they cannot begin the process of accepting reality in the presence of encouragement towards delusion and irrationality. Separation may require the assistance of law enforcement.
If you have a friend or loved one suffering from RETARD (or TURD), urge them to seek treatment. Together we can beat this scourge, and Make America Great Again!
The idea for this e-dition was sort-of-borrowed from Disclose.tv