TUESDAY, JANUARY 2, 2018
Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers
It’s hard to choose our lead story these days: The Still-Not-Ready-For-The-Playoffs Bungals or hyping the cold weather. —Local TV News Directors
If ever a season should’ve been blacked out on TV, it was 2017. —Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall
It was so cold last night, our brass monkey wanted to come in from the porch. —TV 5 Weather Guessers
Our prisoners at the jail made us change channels during Bungals games. They claimed making them watch was cruel and unusual punishment. —Hamilton County Sheriff Jim Neil
Channel Nine called last night to ask for a “nipple check.” —Wendy the Witch
Only the Bungals would keep a coach for 14 years without winning a playoff game, including 2017 when they played unprepared, uninspired, sloppy football. —Troublemaking Tailgater Tino Delgato
We even sent one of our of lily white reporters to Bond Hill to ask one of da brothers how cold a motherfucker is. — Local 12 Weather Authority
The weekend’s best winter weather story was when that 12 year old New Hampshire girl got her tongue stuck to a flagpole after licking it during a blizzard. —Everybody Who’s Ever Seen “A Christmas Story”
I hope everyone appreciates the 0 playoff wins I’ve delivered in my 26 years as Bungals Owner. And thanks for my $10 Million scoreboard, suckers! —Greedy Millionaire Mike Brown
Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Three bags full! —Hamilton County Commissioners
Does anybody remember November 1, 2013, two months before today’s assault by record low temperatures, when Obama warned “Excessively high temperatures” are “already” harming public health nationwide? —Whistleblower Fact Checkers
Please don’t ask how much it cost over-taxed payers for all of our family’s Hawaiian vacations at over-taxed payers’ expense. —Barry, Michelle, Natasha, Malia, and Bo
Speaking of records, you might want to check your stock portfolio today! —Whistleblower Senior Business Editor Merrill Forbes
Today’s celebrity birthdays include three American icons: Millard Fillmore, 13th president of these United States; Paul Revere, the New England Patriot who rode through every Middlesex village and farm to warn that the British were coming; and of course, Our Very Own Beloved Whistleblower Publisher, Charles Foster Kane. —Hurley the Historian
I’m wondering if anybody will be wishing me Happy Birthday on my The Blower’s Facebook Page tomorrow. —Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane
Please tell your Beloved Whistleblower Publisher we’re mailing his re-estate tax bill on Friday, two days before his birthday. —Hamilton County Treasurer Robert A. Goering
And since it’s after the first of the year, all Hamilton County residents may now file their “formal complaints” objecting to the “Fair Property Values” I just made up on their Triennial Updates. —Your Disingenuous Double-Dipping Democrat Auditor Permitted to Run Unopposed
How cold is it supposed to get this week? —TV 19’s “Trish the Dish”
Sheree Paolello used to always ask how warm it was when I wore my winter wig. —Jack Atherton, (Retired TV Anchorman)
Please thank Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception for including us in last year’s rendition of Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s After-Party After the After-Party. —Howard Wilkinson, Laure “Not So” Cleanlivin, Ohio GOP Governor John Kasich, Lady Ga Ga, Roseanne Barr, President of Iran, Mayor Mallory, Trish “the Dish,” Mitt Romney, Hillary, “JayWalking Joe” Deters, Foxy Roxy, Vladimir Putin, “Millionaire Mike” Brown, Obama’s Mooch, the Birthday Boy, Whoopi Cushion, Sarah Baby, and Bill Springerinham
— Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer—
Sometimes The Blower makes fun of Winter Wussies to show that always complaining about the weather is not appropriate in our society. This should be clear to anybody who isn’t frozen stiff.
This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental, especially “Randy” from “A Christmas Story.”
GLOBAL WARMING HOT LINE
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Some sub-zero items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally sub-zero Subscribers.
WHISTLEBLOWER VIDEO OF THE DAY
Classic Mike Brown Video from 2010
