MONDAY, JANUARY 1, 2018
Another obligatory year-end ritual for pandering publications is a list of celebrities’ New Year’s resolutions. Here’s some you’ll probably never see:
DONALD TRUMP: Come up with more outrageous things to tweet that will piss off the Liberal News Media so they’ll give me more free air time.
MITCH McCONNELL: Try not to look like such a wimp every time I cave in to those Disingenuous DemocRATS.
PAUL RYNO: Me Too
OBAMA: Try not to get upset each time another part of my legacy is being flushed down the toilet.
CROOKED HILLARY: Hope there’s no more incriminating evidence in Inspector General Michael Horowitz’s report scheduled to be release on January 15.
SLICK WILLIE: Deny each and every one of my “alleged” Sexual Assaults.
DISGRACED FIRED EX-FBI DIRECTOR JAMES COMEY: hope 2018 brings more Ethical Leadership
DUMBED-DOWN, SELF-ABSORBED, MEDIA-INFLUENCED, CELEBRITY-OBSESSED, POLITICALLY-CORRECT, UNINFORMED, SHORT-ATTENTION-SPAN, FREE-STUFF GRABBING, LOW-INFORMATION OBAMA SUPPORTERS WHO PUT THE POSITIVELY WORST PRESIDENT IN HISTORY IN THE WHITE HOUSE—TWICE, AND PLANNED TO GIVE OBAMA A THIRD TERM BY VOTING FOR CROOKED HILLARY, AND GET ALL OF THEIR LOCAL “FAKE NEWS” FROM OUR OBAMA SUPPORTERS IN THE PRESS, LIKE THE ONES AT THE FISHWRAP, AND ON CHANNEL 5, 9, 12, AND 19: Wait for the “Blue Wave” in 2018.
OTHER DEPRESSED DEMOCRATS: Hope they find a cure for Trump Derangement Syndrome sometime during the next 1,036 days until Trump is re-elected in 2020.
CLIMATE CHANGE FANATICS: Try not to get upset every time we get trolled by Trump.
TUCKER CARLSON: Try to keep from laughing every time Mark Steyn says something really funny.
OHIO’S DELUSIONAL REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR JOHN KASICH: Try not to be embarrassed every time I’m asked to appear on one of those Sunday Morning TV Talk Shows to criticize our Republican President.
ROB “FIGHTING FOR FAGELLAS” PORTMAN: Stop worrying about of his support from that 1.6% of the population who are actually Sodomy Rites Practitioners
DAVID A. PEPPER: As Ohio’s Disingenuous DemocRAT Party Boss, I’m resolved to teach all those Defeated DemocRATS how to win like I did.
TRI-STATE VOTE FRAUDERS: Get ready for the 2018 Elections on November 6.
FAKE NEWS CNN: Try to act surprised when we win Trump’s 2017 FAKE NEWS CONTEST.
FECKLESS FISHWRAPPERS: Hope to be included in the FAKE NEWS Big Leagues, along with the likes of ABC, CBS, NBC, NYT, WAPO, and LAT.
NEW YORK SLIMES: Hope everybody ignores Wikileaks’ proof that we colluded with Crooked Hillary.
WHISTLEBLOWER NEWSWIRE: Try to be a little less sarcastic.
These are the real celebrities’ New Year’s Resolutions. Any other local celebriies’ New Year’s resolutions you may see published elsewhere are surely fake.
BROKEN NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS HOT LINE
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Some phony New Year’s Resolution items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally phony New Year’s Resolution subscribers.
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