TUESDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2017
Santa’s been really busy this year, so he asked us to answer some of his mail. Here are a few letters we handled for him.
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I’v ben a gud boy all yeer. —Yer Frend, Alton
You no doubt attend the Failed Cincinnati Pubic Skools. I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! —Santa
All I ask for Christmas is peace and joy and racial harmony for everybody! —Love, Sarah
You should’ve sent your letter to the Morning Fishwrap. They love that kind of crap. —Santa
I don’t know if you can arrange this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. —Your pal, Teddy
Your dad’s banging your baby-sitter like a screen door in a hurricane. He’s not gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom. It’s time to give up that dream. Let me bring you some nice Legos instead. —Santa
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a drum set, and a pony. —Francis
Who names his kid Francis” these days? When you grow up, you’ll probably turn out to be gay. —Santa
I really, really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please can I have one? —Timmy
That whiney begging Schmidt may work with your folks, but it won’t work with me. You’re getting pink bunny slippers again. —Santa
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. —Love, Susan
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when I’m riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. —Santa
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? —Your friend, Thomas
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porn films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. —Santa
Do you see us when we’re sleeping? Do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
Are you really that stupid? Forget the toys this year. I’m skipping your house. —Santa
I’d like to run for class president. Can you help me, please, please? —”Greggie”
Forget it, kid. You’re such a loser. You’ll get an hellacious ass whipping, just like all the bullies give you every day when they pull your pants down after school. —Santa
We don’t have a chimney. How will you get into our house? —Love, Bobby
Just like your mother’s boyfriends, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams! —Santa
I’ve always wanted a Red Ryder 200-shot Range Model Air Rifle. —Ralphie
Sorry, kid. You might shoot your eye out. —Santa
These are the real letters to Santa. Any other letters to Santa you may see published in the newspaper are surely fake.
Recent Holiday Video Releases
Thanks for helping us keep our names in the news by allowing us to dance our way into your hearts in the Whistleblower Holiday Video. —Eric and Nicolle
At least in that new “Snowball Fight Video,” where The Whistleblower and Newt teamed up against us local RINOs, they forgot to color my face “Blue.” —Alex T., Mall Cop GOP Whenever The Blower needed music, we made that event really rock. —CFK and the Conservative Crew from Congress
And don’t forget how we all helped trim the tree for Christmas. —The Whistleblower Elves
Now from the archives of our award-winning photo illustrator Artis Conception
— Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer—
Sometimes The Blower makes fun of blasphemy to show that sacrilege will not be tolerated in our society. This should be clear to anybody who finds pictures of the Virgin Mary serving chicken wings the least bit offensive.
Which is why during the entire month of December, The Blower has attempted to offer only spiritual and uplifting holiday messages. Unfortunately, a few tasteless, sacrilegious, and politically incorrect items may have slipped through, such as pictures of Adolf Hitler’s Christmas Party and the Onion’s story about Jews celebrating Christmas with a ceremonial re-murdering of Christ.
UPLIFTING HOLIDAY MESSAGES HOT LINE
e-mail your elevating efforts today. Some tasteless, sacrilegious, and politically incorrect items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally tasteless, sacrilegious, and politically incorrect subscribers
WHISTLEBLOWER CHRISTmas VIDEOS
Merry Christmas, Jesus
Some Of The Best 2015 Christmas CommercIals
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.