SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 2017
These Fictitious People Still Sound A Lot Like Some People We Know
Here’s another column featuring the same sleazy 1980s characters at the satirical Patronage County Courthouse, to illustrate things going on hereabouts these days, so our Persons of Consequence might gain yet another useful perspective on the news.
These articles are Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as the struggling columnist below who shares his acute and surprisingly accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.
“No Explanations” by James Jay Schifrin
Nothing much happened at the Patronage County Political Headquarters Wednesday morning after the elections, except that Hereditary Party Chairman Peter Principal came out of hiding long enough to answer a few questions from the news media.
“How do explain your party’s disastrous local showing in the state-wide races?” asked Dummy Byline, political reporter for the Patronage County Innuendo.
“Our candidate for governor lost big all over the state,” Principal said. “So why is everybody blaming us?”
“Because,” pressed Byline, “the state party expected a 50,000 vote margin from Patronage County, the same as always. This year, your statewide ticket lost here by 20,000 votes.”
“Maybe people were more concerned with the economy than we thought,” Principal conceded.
“Then how do you explain Commissioner Swindle’s and your other local candidates’ winning by 100,000 votes in the same election?” asked Waldo Whitewash, fearless flack for The Compost.
“Times are tough,” Principal said. “I guess our courthouse employees wanted to keep their jobs.”
“We know we shouldn’t underestimate the clout of a courthouse machine in a local election,” Whitewash followed up, “but can they really have that much impact? How do you explain Swindle’s victory margin?”
“Well, in Swindle’s case, it was easy,” Principal said. “If all his creditors had voted for him, he would’ve won by even more.”
Then the only thing local to report is that Commissioner Swindle and his cronies will be with us for four more years,” Whitewash told Byline as they headed for the nearest bar.
“Isn’t that what they said about Nixon,” Byline asked, “right before Watergate?”
This op-ed column first appeared in the Mt. Washington Press on November 10, 1982.