FRIDAY, JULY 14, 2017
Happy Bastille Day, Everybody!
Our Late Night TV Joke Watcher says left-wing late night comedians were really working fake news into their nightly Trump Bashing during the President’s Bastille Day trip to Paris.
Conan O’Brien said: “President Trump and the first lady are visiting France. Now, there have been some misunderstandings due to the language barrier, like at dinner when Melania was offered a crepe and she said, “No thanks, I’m married to one.”
Jimmy Kimmel said: “President Trump and the first lady arrived in Paris today at the invitation of French President Emmanuel Macron. [shows clip of greeting] Last time they had a handshake it lasted longer than, like, two of Trump’s marriages, so all eyes were on this one.”
But The Lowest Blow Went To Stephen Colbert, who said: “Of course Trump got asked about the biggest story in France — his son’s collusion with Russia. [clip of Trump] “He took a meeting with a Russian lawyer, not a government lawyer, but a Russian lawyer. It was a short meeting. It was a meeting that went very, very quickly, very fast.” Welcome to Trump’s America, where morality is measured by speed. Because it was over quickly, it wasn’t wrong! It’s like a five-second rule for your soul.”
Meanwhile, Hurley the Historian says on today’s date in 1789, people in France got a holiday when revolutionaries stormed the Bastille, and since our French boycott is no longer still in effect for all patriotic Americans, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo will once again be joining Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane and Terry “The Smiling Jailer” Carl at what used to be one of Camboo’s pre-boycott favorite fine-dining establishments in Northern Kentucky, Chez Bastille, formerly located at 303 Court Street in Covington, Kentucky. The food was so good, it wasn’t surprising Chez Bastille was so hard to get into. And folks who used to eat there all the time say, “Once you were inside, you probably would’ve found it even more difficult to leave.”
Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose “I went to a fancy French restaurant called ‘Deja Vu.’ The headwaiter said, ‘Don’t I know you?’” But The Blower really liked George Carlin’s, “The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”
Some other quotes about the French include:
Mark Twain said, “France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.”
General George S. Patton said, “I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.
Regis Philbin said, “The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.”
Norman Schwartzkopf said, “Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.”
Marge Simpson said, “We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.”
Dennis Miller said, “The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.”
John McCain said, “You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940’s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn’t have the face for it.”
P.J. O’Rourke said, “The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don’t know.”
Then, of course, there’s your basic French Light Bulb joke: How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.
And we’re not sure who said, “Raise your right hand if you like the French. Raise both hands if you are French.”
Finally, Whistleblower’s Freebie Gourmet says on Bastille Day, Our Four-Flushing Philanderer can be even more pretentious about the way he orders wine. McDonald’s will be serving French Fries. And our Good Friend Bobby leach says on Bastille Day, he promises not to mispronounce his many requests for a Ménage à trois. In Paris, Whistleblower French Bureau Chief Voulez Vous Tadwell says, “Let’s all party like it’s 1789!” and “Crazy Eric” Deters says, “Happy Bastille Day in My Pants, Bitches!”
Plus, Obama’s Clueless Secretary of State John Kerry claims to speak French fluently, which might account for part of his problem. We can hardly wait to see Obama’s Bastille Day Greetings. Come to think of it, Obama resembles Louis XVI more and more every day, before the French King’s date with Madame Guillotine.
But Wait! At yesterday’s meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were asking Charles Foster Kane why Hurley the Historian had forgotten to mention Thursday (July 13) was the ten-year anniversary for our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher’s long-awaited landmark hearing at the Hamilton County Board of Revulsion, after the Disingenuous DemocRAT County Auditor’s “certifiable” appraiser got caught trying to justify the Auditor’s bogus 41% computer-generated increased appraisal. It was our Disingenuous DemocRAT’s Disastrous Debacle, but our local Kneepad Liberals in the Press still don’t give a big rat’s ass about victims of drive-by reappraisals, or victims of drive-by shootings for that matter.
“Not to worry,” explained Kane. “You should see the outrageous increase Disingenuous plans to jack up our next appraisal, just for spite!”
More Proud Sponsors and Avid Fans
Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our July fund-raising drive by Patty Brisben’s Dildo World in Loveland, featuring vibrating French Ticklers for Bastille Day, or as Joe Braun’s Strauss Troy Partners call them, “Party Favors” for the Little Woman. Sacre bleu, Mesdames and Messieurs!
This is the Official Bastille Day E-dition. Any other publication claiming Official Bastille Day status is surely a fake.
REMEMBER: If you can’t improve on the news, you shouldn’t even be reporting it.
More Bastille Day Greetings
FRENCH CUISINE HOT LINE
e-mail your romantic recipes today.
Some Bouillabaisse Loving items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally Bouillabaisse Loving subscribers.
Whistleblower Video of the Day
How To Tell Your Boyfriend He’s a Bad French Kisser
(Sent in by Mademoiselle Fifi La Belle, French Teacher Extraordinaire)
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.