Special “Political Punch Lines” E-dition

Last Night’s Left-Wing Hate Speech From Our Late Night Comedians

I saw that today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. That’s right. When his staff saw him coming, they turned out the lights and hid — until he went away. “Whew, so close. We almost had to say, “Happy Birthday!”

He got a lot of birthday cards from different people. And we actually got our hands on a few of them. Let’s take a look at these. For example, here’s one from Vladimir Putin [shows card]. His card says, “It sounds like you had a great party.” Inside it says, “Based on our recordings from the Oval Office.”

Next one is from Sean Spicer. It says, “Today, I’m toasting to you.” And inside it says, “Because you’re the reason I drink every day.”

And finally, here’s one from George W. Bush. It says, “Here’s to you.” And inside it says, “For making me look like president of the century.”

During his testimony yesterday, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said that he hasn’t been asked to do anything illegal by Trump since taking office. Then he said, “And frankly, I’m starting to feel a little left out.”

Today, President Trump said the GOP healthcare bill that passed through the House was “mean” and “difficult to defend.” Then Trump said, “In other words, I love it.”

Today is President Trump’s birthday. Melania surprised him by still living in the White House.

Today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. Trump received a card from Vladimir Putin that said, “I hope you’re enjoying the birthday present I gave you in November.”

It is President Donald Trump’s birthday today, he’s 71 years old today. I’m just glad, I’m glad Donald Trump can finally have a day where he’s the center of attention.

It must be hard to shop for Trump. What do you get the man who has everything? I know, I know something he doesn’t have, the popular vote.

Now of course, turning 71 is a big occasion. To celebrate, I think Trump should take the day off, I do — and the week, and the month, and the next four years.

In other Trump news, in a meeting with Republican senators, the president reportedly told members of Congress that he feels the Republican healthcare bill is not generous enough and is “mean.” Who talks like that, who says “mean”? He talks like he’s gossiping at a junior high dance. After that he called the guys who drafted the bill a bunch of basic b—hes.

Trump says the bill needs to be less mean and more generous. In other words, it needs to be Obamacare.

Donald Trump turned 71 today. At the White House, they had a little party for the president. They played pin the blame on the press secretary.

Melania jumped out of a cake and made a run for it.

Vladimir Putin didn’t show up but he, you know, gave Trump his present back in November.

71 years ago, Donald Trump was just a little baby, with little hands and feet, going wah-wah-wah all day long. And nothing has really changed since then.

There’s a major report from the Washington Post just a couple of hours ago. It says that the special counsel led by Robert Mueller is now officially looking into whether President Trump attempted to obstruct justice in his dealings with James Comey. As far as presidential birthday presents go, not exactly Marilyn Monroe singing to JFK. But I like to imagine Trump found out about this just as Sean Spicer was handing him his birthday present.

The president had an interesting lunch yesterday with Republican senators where he had some surprisingly strong criticism of the Republican healthcare bill. He called the bill “mean, cold-hearted, and a son of a bitch.” He does know the bill is not Bill Cosby or Bill O’Reilly, right?

Happy Birthday to President Trump, who turned 71 today. So, the president is a man in his 70s who wants a golf score in the 60s, his country in the ’50s and a wife in her 20s.

According to reports, since President Trump won the Republican nomination, the majority of Trump real estate sales have been to “secretive buyers” who use corporate entities to avoid revealing their names. But I’m pretty sure we all know who’s behind Plad Vutin LLC.

Following Monday’s first official cabinet meeting, the secretary of Veterans Affairs said that President Trump does not “script” the cabinet members, adding, quote, “We’re given the ability to say what’s on our mind.” Which explains why Ben Carson said, “Cucumber luggage hula hoop.”

It’s Donald Trump’s birthday. Seventy-one candles on that cake. Although, Trump later said it was “over a million candles. Most candles ever.”

Two hundred Democrats got together to give the president something he might like. But instead, they’re suing Trump over foreign payments to his businesses. At least they got together to give him this card: “Congratulations, birthday boy, you’ve been served.”

(So Why Didn’t Any Of Our So-Called Funny Men Ever Make Jokes About Any Of These Items?)