THURSDAY, MAY 18, 2017
This Week’s Trump Trashing Jokes From Our Late Night Comedians
President Trump gave a commencement speech at Liberty University on Saturday and he said, “Always have the courage to be yourself and chase your dreams.” Then he stopped talking because he ran out of fortune cookies.
I guess there was one awkward moment during the speech, when Trump said that there are more job openings than ever. And the students said, “Yeah, ’cause you keep firing everyone.”
The Washington Post is reporting that President Trump revealed classified information to Russian officials in the Oval Office last week. And there’s talk that Congress might investigate him for it. Trump says he has nothing to hide and that he’ll fire whoever’s investigating him anyway. So, doesn’t matter.
Trump revealed secret information about ISIS to the Russian foreign minister and ambassador. Trump was like, “Don’t worry, I traded the information for three magic beans.”
It is rumored that Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle could replace Sean Spicer as White House press secretary. Spicer’s friends were going to take him out for drinks, but he said, “Actually, I’ve been drunk since January.”
A new study found that more than half of American doctors are burnt out, exhausted, and losing their sense of purpose. So, if your doctor seems burnt out, exhausted, and losing their sense of purpose, ask if Zoloft might be right for them.
The day after we found out Trump leaked info to the Russians, we found out he told former FBI Director Comey to stop the Michael Flynn investigation. At this point, I feel like Trump has a phone reminder for every day at 4 p.m. that says “create giant new scandal.”
Some say that what Trump told Comey could be considered obstruction of justice and could land Trump in some serious trouble. You can tell Trump’s worried because today he frantically signed an executive order to make all prisons super nice.
An op-ed in the New York Times argues that Trump should be declared unfit and removed from office via the 25th Amendment. When he heard that, Trump said, “There are 25 amendments? I thought there were 10 — the 10 Amendments! Moses went to a gala at the White House and brought 10 Amendments!”
A reporter from Politico says that when she asked Republican Congressman Darrell Issa about the Flynn scandal, he gave her the middle finger and kept walking. Then Sean Spicer said, “Hang on, we’re allowed to do that to reporters? I would have done that four months ago!”
White House officials have been defending Trump by saying he doesn’t know enough about intelligence to be able to leak anything damaging. Then Trump said, “Yeah! Wait, what?”
Emergency room doctors are reporting an increase in people who cut their hands slicing avocados, and they call the injury “avocado hand.” Even Democrats are like, “OK, SOME people don’t deserve health insurance.”
ABC announced that it’s coming out with a show called “Dancing With the Stars Junior.” While Fox is going the other way and running a show called “Are You Smarter Than the President.”
The big story today is that Donald Trump shared secret information with the Russians last week. The good news for Trump is that he’s been named Employee of the Month by Russia.
Hillary Clinton is forming a group called Onward Together, a political organization that is anti-Trump. Experts are calling it bold, ambitious, and six months too late.
A Colorado teacher has been suspended after he allowed students to hit a piñata with Donald Trump’s face on it. I do have to say, it was a pretty realistic Trump piñata because when the kids broke it open, a bunch of Russian coins fell out.\
If you’re not really loving our president right now, you might be excited to hear that in a recent interview Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson said he thinks running for president is “a real possibility.” Really? I don’t know. Do we really want a president who used to be involved in professional wrestling?
I love the Rock, I do, but you can’t go from President Trump to President The Rock.
I have to say I’m very proud of myself. I made sure my wife had a great Mother’s Day. I got up early. I got up at 7 a.m. I quietly slipped out of bed. I left the house, didn’t come back until nighttime. That way she could have the whole day with the kids, just her and a 2-year-old and an infant. And you know what’s weird, she didn’t even thank me.
President Trump had a message for the moms of the world yesterday. He wrote, “Wishing FLOTUS Melania and all the great mothers out there a wonderful day with family and friends.” Then he went to play golf by himself. I’m pretty sure going to play golf alone on Mother’s Day while your wife takes care of the kid is grounds for divorce, isn’t it?
Not only was it Mother’s Day, also this weekend we had the mother of all cyberattacks, the biggest cyberattack in history. More than 300,000 people and institutions in about 150 countries had their data held hostage by ransomware called WannaCry, which sounds like a new single from Harry Styles.
Sadly the president did not get to go to Florida this weekend. He had to stay back to give the commencement speech at Liberty University on Saturday, where he inspired graduates by marveling at the size of the crowds he’s able to draw. [Video of Trump] “This is a beautiful stadium. And it is packed. I’m so happy about that.” Donald Trump is the only person who can show up at an event where families come to see their children graduate and assume the crowd is there to see him.
The president, I’m sure you know, fired FBI Director James Comey last week and then tweeted this. He wrote, “James Comey better hope there are no ‘tapes’ of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!” I don’t know, if I was Donald Trump I wouldn’t mention tapes and leaking in the same sentence. Just in case.
Lawmakers in Washington are now demanding if there are tapes, Trump turn them over. Not just Democrats, but Republicans like Sen. Lindsey Graham are urging the White House to clear the air too. Here’s the thing: Donald Trump will never release tapes because the only tapes he has were recorded on the “Access Hollywood” bus.
It was a cool 68 degrees here today in Los Angeles, and 94 in Washington, D.C. The temperature was higher than Sean Spicer’s blood pressure today in Washington, D.C.
Sen. John McCain last night said the scandal involving former FBI director James Comey is reaching Watergate size and scale, and HE’S a Republican; of course, an increasing number of Democrats are screaming for Trump’s impeachment. By the way, betting odds on Donald Trump being impeached are close to 50-50, close to even. At this point Melania is looking pretty smart for not moving out of New York.
Then there’s the whole “blabbing secrets to the Russians” thing. Even Vladimir Putin weighed in on it today. He actually offered to help set the record straight: [plays clip of Putin] “We are ready to provide a transcript of Lavrov and Trump’s talk to the U.S. Senate and Congress.” Wait, YOU guys have a transcript and we don’t? How is that possible? This explains why the Russian ambassador insisted Donald Trump speak directly into the flowers he brought him.
Can you imagine a former KGB agent, Vladimir Putin, offering to vouch for our president’s credibility? What a love story this is. It’s like “The Notebook 2.” It’s really beautiful.
The Washington Post this evening reported that President Trump revealed highly classified information to the Russian foreign minister and ambassador during their closed-door meeting last week. You have to be kidding me! How can you let highly classified information fall into the hands of Donald Trump?
President Trump yesterday issued a statement calling for paid family leave. Which is a little surprising until you remember that he’s already paid two families to leave.
Customs officials in Malaysia have seized over 300 tortoises that were being smuggled through the airport. Three hundred tortoises, or as it’s technically known, a McConnell family reunion.
According to the New York Times, President Trump asked former FBI Director James Comey to shut down the investigation into former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn. And that comes on the heels of revelations that Trump shared highly classified information with Russian officials last week. You know, at this point, I’d give anything to return to the simpler days of the campaign. The days when the only thing he gave away was his autograph.
I just want to see you sign hats again, Mr. President. Re-sign that hat. Still a lot of hats out there you can get back to.
National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster today defended President Trump for sharing classified information with Russia, saying, “The president wasn’t even aware where the information came from.” Well, that doesn’t surprise me. I would bet Trump isn’t even sure where babies come from.
A new Gallup poll finds that President Trump’s approval rating has dropped to 38 percent. You know it’s bad when your approval ratings reach the numbers where you get concerned your phone is going to die.
President Trump said that no politician in history has been treated worse or more unfairly by the media than he has. And when Hillary Clinton heard that, she laughed so loud the moon cracked.
House Speaker Paul Ryan today said that he has full confidence in President Trump. And even as Ryan was saying it, a chill ran up his … nothing.
Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said today that he would have no way of knowing if the Russians installed a listening device in the Oval Office during their recent meeting with President Trump. And why would they need to? They already installed a talking device.
ABC has announced that it will produce a hybrid live-action and animated version of “The Little Mermaid.” So now ABC has TWO shows featuring crabs.
Organizers in L.A. are reportedly planning to make a 1.3-mile-long pizza using 8,000 pounds of dough and 3,600 pounds of cheese. Said residents of L.A., “Oh, is it possible to get that gluten-free?”
The California state senate voted this week to name a section of a highway after former President Obama. You may not appreciate the highway when you’re driving on it, but when you get off you will be like, “God, what have I DONE?!”
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news: The Washington Post reports that Trump revealed highly classified information to the Russian foreign minister and ambassador. Good news: Trump found the leaker.
When Kislyak and Lavrov were in the Oval Office last week, Trump apparently went off script and began describing details about an Islamic state terrorist threat. That is unbelievable — Trump has a script? I don’t believe that for a minute. I need intel on that.
The information is so sensitive, the article can’t describe in detail what was shared, but one official said, “This is code-word information.” ”Code word” means the vital aspects of the story have to be replaced with other words. You have to say things like, “The package has been delivered.” “The squirrel is in the basket.” ”The idiot is in the Oval.”
Apparently — this is being reported in the Washington Post — Trump was showing off for his guests telling the Russians: “I get great Intel. I have people brief me on great Intel every day.” Well, yeah. You’re the president. It’s the job.
It’s like the guy working the fry station saying, “You would not believe the tater tots I have access to.”
Israel was the source of the intelligence Trump gave to the Russians. And oopsa shalom — Trump is scheduled to visit Israel next week. That is really going to be one awkward state dinner. “Mr. President, can you please pass the hummus, or would you prefer to pass it directly to Russia?”
There’s a huge scandal out of the White House. No, not that scandal. Or the one before that, or the one tomorrow. Although, technically, they’re all part of one big Scandal Stroganoff.
The New York Times is reporting that back in February, President Trump asked FBI Director James Comey to shut down the FBI investigation into National Security Adviser Mike Flynn. That is definitely obstruction of something. I can’t put my finger on what it’s an obstruction of. Oh, it’s obstruction of just… a second. I’ll think of it.
Apparently Donald Trump told Comey, “I hope you can see your way clear to letting this go, to letting Flynn go, he’s a good guy.” Yeah, he’s a good guy, ask anybody, Russia, Turkey, anybody.
According to the Washington Post, Donald Trump believes the human body is like a battery, with a finite amount of energy, which exercise depletes. Good news, kids, there’s going to be a new presidential physical fitness test. See that rope? Don’t touch it. OK, you passed. Here’s your sticker. Run along.
In case you also get your medical advice from a medieval barber, the article helpfully explains, “The human body actually becomes stronger with exercise.” That’s according to a recent study by the New England Journal of No-Duh.
I suppose we should have seen his anti-exercise thing coming. After all, one of the first things Trump did was replace Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” campaign with his own, “Let’s Not.”
(And Amazingly, Some People Actually Found This Mildly Offensive)