TUESDAY, MAY 9, 2017
We Hope You Don’t Forget Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day was getting to be too commercial. This year they started putting up decorations right after Kwanzaa. Then there’s all that Mother’s Day music on the radio and everybody goes around wishing each other “Happy Mother’s Day,” even if you’re Jewish, but then their “Why Haven’t You Called Your Mother” celebration lasts for eight days. (Cincinnati Bell says Mother’s Day is the one day each year interns at The Blower can e-mail their Mother’s and they would incorrect it “Spam.”) And you know all those Mothers you see in the stores aren’t the real Mother. They’re only Mother’s little helpers. And on Mother’s Day Eve, little children are always waiting for that Big Mother to come down the chimney. But you know they’re really hyping it, when you see Mother’s Day cards for fathers at Walgreens. No wonder a group calling itself “Mothers Acting Up” held a big parade yesterday to help lead the observance of Mother’s Day back to its roots. Of course, hairy-legged Feminists are always against Mother’s Day. And now we know why our Quote for Today Committee chose “Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.”
Ohio Right to Life sends out a lot of Mother’s Day Cards, but Baby-Killers at Planned Parenthood won’t have that unnecessary expense.
On Sunday, Obama Supporters in the Press will be in full swoon over another Messiah’s Mother’s Day Message to same-sex mothers. But why should Sunday be any different? Maybe Obama will be calling another WBA player to congratulate her for coming out as a lesbian.
At Cincinnati City-Clown-cil, SMLP Smithermouth and The Windbag are promoting a “Million Yo Mommas March Against Black-on-Black Violence.” (In the picture to the right, This Mama Ain’t Playin’, as she forces her poor misunderstood yoof to stand holding a sign that says “Hi, I’m 18 years old. I STEAL! I want to go to prison to be with my daddy!”)
Meanwhile, at Cincinnati City Hall, everybody remembers when former Vice Mayor Stevecia Reece threatened to send a Big Mother to beat you up if you told the FBI about her Daddy’s deals. Our City Hall Snitch wondered what Disgraced Dainty DemocRAT Ex-Mayor Mark Mallory would be giving his big Black burly bodyguard for Mother’s Day, as well as what would be on Dainty’s Former Chocolate Doughboy City Mangler’s “honey-do” list. And did Mallory ever rescind Val the Impaler’s directives that all department heads and supervisors ensure that Whistleblower Mother’s Day greetings would NOT be posted on City Hall bulletin boards, because that former City Manager said anybody who failed to regard her directive as a serious matter will be subject to extreme disciplinary action?
Over at the Courthouse, Clerk of Courts Aflac Pureval says if you want to see if your mom is being getting garnisheed, you can always check it out on his web page. If you want to see how much your mom’s property values were jacked up, you can look it up on the Disingenuous DemocRAT County Auditor’s web page. Republicans for Higher Taxes always wants your mom to pay higher taxes, but Double-faced DemocRAT Hamilton County Commissioner Odd Todd Opportune would be happy to raise your mother’s taxes on the first chance he gets, while in Anderson Township, Trustee Gerth Pappas’ re-election campaign is already in full swing.
Also at the Courthouse, CH Snitch at 1000 Main Street remembers when Jungle Fever Boy Judge P-P-P-Patrick DeWhine might not have felt welcome on Mother’s Day if he showed up at the Sniveling Senator’s farm in Cedarville with another fat Black Floozie. The Blower always wondered what the Baptist Bigots at Cedarville University thought about that!
Demo-Labor Party Boss Tim Burka said his hero Jerry Springer was planning a tasteful Mother’s Day tribute on his TV show, including listing all the mothers he’d pay to have sex with. Hamilton County RINO Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP was planning to write another meaningless Mother’s Day message to his followers on Twitter, accusing all those black mothers in politics like Tracie Hunter, Yvette Simpson, and Wendell Young of being incompetent. Ben and Cameron Murray want you to donate to their mom Amy’s campaign for Mother’s Day. Dumpy DemocRAT Obama-Loving Former Ohio First District One-Term Congressman Steve Drinkhaus now knows what the word for Mother is in Swazi (the southern Bantu language spoken in Swaziland). The Ohio RINO Party sent out Mother’s Day Cards for all of their “Rubber Stamp Central Committee Members from Party Boss Jane Timken. Still Defeated, Corrupt, Evicted, Lying, Plagiarizing, Meddling, Overblown, Bought-And-Paid-For, Tax-And-Spend, Wrinkle-Puss RINO Bitch-In-A-Ditch “Mean Jean” Schmidt would still be sending out plagiarized Mother’s Day greetings, if she could still use her over-taxed payer funded e-mail, and Bird-Colonel Podiatrist Congressman “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup would be wishing moms a Happy Mother’s Day too. Meanwhile, all the other Crooks in Congress say, “Your mother doesn’t really need a tax cut, but thanks a lot for our own heath care benefits, as well as out the last raise.”
Black people especially appreciate Mother’s Day. In the ‘hood, they use the word “muther” in so many colorful ways. Many of these “mofos” are on Cincinnati’s Likely Killers List. And in Lower Price Hill, Mamacitas in Cinco-de-Natti will enjoy a delicious Mother’s Day burrito.
At Loveland’s Dildo World, Patty Brisben always says, “Send your mom something nice in a plain brown wrapper.” The Blower’s 2007 Tri-state Mother of the Year Donna Trevino says if any of her friends in the news media would like to stop by on Mother’s Day, please bring a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken— extra crispy. And in Anderson Township, Former Trustee “In Russ We Trust?” Jackson said, “When you take mom out for Mother’s Day brunch around here, you’d better hope she likes Video Slot Machines.” And if you still had any money left since the Obama Recession, you could’ve always Googled all those overpriced restaurants in Greater Cincinnati to see if any of them are offering Dom Perignon and Bollinger at half price on Mother’s Day.
On Mother’s Day, many guys start thinking about MILFs, including “Jaywalking Joe” Deters, who used to say especially when an older woman looks as good in a thong bikini when she reaches Judge Sylvia “Big Momma” Hendon’s age.
In Y’All Ville, Mayor Blondie Whalen said Victoria’s Secret suggested see-through lingerie for mom. In Independence, where incest is best, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo said Mother’s Day is always a family affair, because it’s also “Cousin’s Day.” At Mainstrasse Pub, single mothers with big breasts always drink free. In Covington, the law says you can’t discriminate against a mother, especially if she’s a lesbian, while Whistleblower Alternative Life-style Columnists Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis got to play “Mommy and Daddy,” and our Cross-Dressing Attorney tried on some more of his mom’s clothes. Gex “Rhymes with Sex” Williams said in southern Boondoggle County, they even had Mother’s Day cards for barnyard animals. Elsewhere in Northern Kentucky, criminal alien moms were worried about being rounded-up and deported. Former Governor Paul Patton Her on the Ass said Mother’s Day is always a great day to enjoy a three-way, just like every other day.
Former Bluegrass Governor Ernie Fletcher said he hoped your mother isn’t indicted on Mother’s Day. We hope Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders didn’t forget to put out a special Mother’s Day e-dition of his titillating e-newsletter last week. At the Kenton County Escape Center, Terry “The Smiling” Jailer said those delicious baloney sandwiches were still on the menu for Mother’s Day at Chez Bastille. Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters said that law firm where he is only employed as a “non-attorney Spokesperson” will be glad to sue your Mother, since he’s not supposed to be practicing law any more. Uptight Bitches in Fort Mitchell were hoping for a real orgasm on Mother’s Day. Michael Liquid Plummer and his designated driver Nathan “Cornbread” Smith said they could drink your mother under the table. Clueless Marc Wilson said he’ll be taking his Mother to the all-you-can-eat buffet at the Golden Corral. On Flashlight Theatre, they’d be showing that sci-fi thriller “Mothers from Outer Space.” Across the street from the Peace Bell in Newport, the manager of the Goodyear store said, “Give mom a lube job.” And Perry the Pervert said, “This year, forget the Whitman’s Sampler that’ll make her ass bigger. Get mom what she really wants– a 10 HP Craftsman penis stretcher for dad from Sears.” Perry explained, “It eventually works.”
Finally, Bluegrass Rifle Association spokesman Billy Bob Carbine says his mother needed protection, so he went out and bought his pistol-packing mama another Glock, along with a concealed carry permit.
More Proud Sponsors and Avid Fans
Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our May fund-raising drive by the good groom gals at the European Wax Center at the Anderson Towne Center, offering FREE BIKINI WAXES for Moms of all ages for Mother’s Day.
MOTHER’S DAY GIFTS HOT LINE
e-mail your orders for our discreet plain-brown wrapper delivery today.
Mother’s Day Video of the Day
Dude, That’s my Mom
Note: people who work in government offices should be receiving The Whistleblower on their home computers because we do not approve of public servants wasting time reading this trash on over-taxed payers’ time (except when you have something to snitch).