MONDAY, APRIL 3, 2017
Twenty-six years ago in The Original Whistleblower, Charles Foster Kane’s Real Editorial Really Written by the Publisher was “Abner, Forgive Us.” How timely was that?
And at yesterday’s meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were reminiscing with about The Blower’s coverage of Mallory on the Mound, which we published on April 4, 2007:
It’s really a bitch to be right all the time, but from the moment we heard that Dainty DemoCRAT Cincinnati Mayor Mark “Throws Like a Girl” Mallory had been “chosen” to throw out the first pitch on Opening Day, The Whistleblower told you he was going to “blow it.” Maybe we put so much pressure on our sissy mayor, he just couldn’t perform. Mallory is shown throwing a hissy fit over his wild pitch in Jeff Swinger’s photo in the Fishwrap.
It was the worst first pitch in Opening Day history. Whistleblower Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall says not only does our Girly Man Mayor throw like a girl, but his ceremonial first pitch was so wild, even Reds Hall of Famer Eric Davis couldn’t come close to getting a glove on it. The ball bounced pathetically towards the Reds’ dugout and didn’t come anywhere close to home plate. The girly Mayor looked as though he wanted to take another shot, but the Reds staff quickly ushered him off the field before he could embarrass himself any further.
Long-time Cincinnati Reds fan Farley Fairweather remembers when really important people threw out the first pitch on the Reds’ Opening Day, instead of a sissy mayor who should’ve tried to underhand the ball in the general directions of home plate. Farley remembers when Opening Day used to be really important, because the Reds always hosted Major League Baseball’s first game of the season. But those days are gone forever.
Mallory’s pitch seen ‘round the world got big laughs on ESPN. What’s next— Letterman, Leno, and Saturday Night Live? You can see it now on YouTube.
Our Mellow Mt. Carmellian says after Monday’s sorry-ass first-pitch performance at Mediocre American Ball Park, Mr. Mayor will never forget the answer to the question, “Hey, Mr. Mayor, how’s it hangin’?” Answer: a little low and to the left. Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis were really embarrassed. You don’t have to be straight to throw straight, and pitchers on the Lesbian Avengers softball team always get the ball over the plate.
Now The Blower has to apologize to women everywhere. No girl would ever throw a ball like that. The Reds pitching coach said maybe Mallory’s wrist was too limp. The last real man in the Mayor’s office was Roxanne Qualls.
And you thought that “giant swishing sound” only came from the batter’s box? Johnny Bench says maybe Mallory wasn’t used to holding one only ball in his hand. We understand Mallory got a congratulatory phone call from Gayvenor Strickland after the game.
Señor Bob called the sports quack Monday night to whine that it wasn’t fair to rip on the mayor, since it was his birthday. He said he really tried to throw the ball! It wasn’t his fault the ball rolled into the Reds’ dugout. Señor Bob now joins Kneepad Liberals in the Press lowering the bar and making excuses for a Liberal Loser’s lack of performance.
Just imagine if George Bush had made the same throw. You’d have seen that video 1,000 times by now. And if any other Conservative Republican had embarrassed the City throwing out the first pitch, Skaggie Maggie wouldn’t have buried KimBall Perry’s hit piece (“Mallory a little too far to the left”) on page D-5. But KimBall forgot to report how much over-taxed payers’ money Mallory and three assistants wasted warming up all that time under the stands, and at UC where he was practicing for endless hours in secret.
Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright.
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light.
And, somewhere men are laughing, and little children shout,
But there is no joy in the ‘Natti, Mayor Mallory got punked out.
Meanwhile on Opening Day, were all the Great Americans who showed up for jury duty at the Hamilton County Courthouse sent home at 11 AM because all the courthouse hacks were going to the ballgame? On Tuesday, one-and-a-half hours after the arrival time for the jury pool a tall brother showed up wearing hip hop clothes with an extra t-shirt slung over his shoulder. He was higher than a kite when he asked, “Is dis da place fur jury?” He was escorted out and never seen again. So much for a jury of your peers! Ken “Mad Dawg” Lawson [then in jail] said, “That’s why Semper Si wants a bigger jail.”
Sometimes The Blower ridicules people who embarrass themselves on the athletic field to show that a lack of manliness is not acceptable in our society. This should be clear to anybody who throws like a girl.
This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental, especially Dainty DemocRATS.
Remember: this is Greater Cincinnati’s Official 2017 Opening Day E-dition. Any other publication claiming to be this year’s Official Opening Day Edition is surely a fake.