SUNDAY, APRIL 2, 2017
More Politics Unusual
FARLEY FAIRWEATHER said now that the 2017 Cincinnati Reds Opening Day has nearly arrived, Bryan’s Boys can pick up right where they left off in 2016, in what could possibly be the longest 162-game season in Baseball History for local fans.
THAT’S WHY OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Vince Lombardi’s “Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a loser.”
NOW HERE’S THE LATEST FROM BUNKY TADWELL, THE BARD OF CLEVES: Just in time to enjoy the 2017 baseball season, we found this in his “American Pastimes,” found in better bookstores everywhere, except in Cleves.
“A Field of Dreams”
Opening Days has finally arrived
It was fun for one and all.
Especially for all the boys
If the girlies would just play ball.
IN THIS WEEK’S COLUMN FROM PATRONAGE COUNTY TITLED “OPENING DAY JITTERS,” Commissioner Swindle couldn’t quite talk the Cincinnati Reds into letting him throw out the first pitch on Opening Day. This op-ed column first appeared in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols on April 8, 1981, and has been updated with current references to fit the situation today.
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on tomorrow’s date in 1882 Jesse James was shot in the back by Bob Ford, a member of his gang who hoped to collect the bounty on Jesse’s head. That’s one funeral “Mean Jean” Schmidt didn’t attend, since she was only a state-rep-tile back then.
THE LATEST POLLS: Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen says Voters tend to view criminal immigrants as the source of more major crime and a big drain on taxpayers’ wallets. A new Rasmussen Reports national telephone and online survey finds that 44% of Likely U.S. Voters think criminal immigration increases the level of serious crime in America. 78% of Republicans and 51% of unaffiliated voters believe criminal immigrants are a significant strain on the U.S. budget, just 21% of DemocRATS share that view.
THURSDAY, OUR LATE NIGHT TV JOKEWATCHER SAID LATE NIGHT COMEDIANS WERE STILL TAKING CHEAP SHOTS AT TRUMP, LIKE JIMMY FALLON’S: The White House says President Trump will not throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals game. Apparently Trump was afraid of hurting his tweeting arm.
CONAN O’BRIEN: President Trump’s daughter Ivanka is going to have her own office in the White House. So finally, we’ve got a woman named Trump who actually wants to be in the White House.
JAMES CORDEN: A Gallup poll has just been released that shows that Donald Trump’s approval rating has fallen to a historic first-year low of 35 percent. Or as Kellyanne Conway calls it, just one more example of Trump beating Obama.
SETH MEYERS: Hawaii’s TSA recently seized a so-called “stun cane” from a passenger that is capable of delivering a 1 million-volt shock. To get an idea of what a 1 million-volt shock feels like, just remember what it was like to wake up on Nov. 9.
OUR ANGRY ANDERSONIAN says, “Trustees Josh Gerth and Andrew Pappas have advised that all of Anderson Township will be closed to the public beginning tomorrow morning so paving can begin on the World’s Most Expensive Left Turn Lane at Beechmont and Five Mile.” Detours will be published exclusively in tomorrow’s Whistleblowers.
MEANWHILE, OUR MUCKRAKER says as previously predicted, the Forest Hills School District “Renovate To New” plan did NOT live up to the promises. (READ MORE HERE)
SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL: Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible. This week’s Seediest Kid of All was Eldon Pudpuller. (See the whole story HERE)
LIBERAL LUNACY: In Human Events’ “365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy,” #95 says you should invite all your Liberal friends to a Tax Freedom Day party. Remind them that this is the first day of the year in which the money they work for goes into their own pockets rather than into Big Government’s gaping, insatiable maw. Now if the guys at the Tax Foundation would only tell us when Tax Freedom Day arrives in 2017, all of us Anti-Taxers would know when to start our celebration.
GOING GALT means taking the John Galt Pledge. Let’s all say it together: “I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.”
WHISTLEBLOWER SENIOR BUSINESS EDITOR MERRILL FORBES says the House passed a bill to repeal a Federal Communications Commission rule establishing new Internet privacy standards and a bill to restructure the Environmental Protection Agency’s Science Advisory Board. The Senate voted to repeal a Department of Labor regulation relating to municipal retirement plans.
Next Week: The House will vote on legislation to make it easier for employees to assume an ownership stake in companies where they work. The Senate will hold a vote on the nomination of Neil Gorsuch to serve on the Supreme Court late in the week. Earlier in the week, on Tuesday, the Senate Banking Committee is expected to confirm Jay Clayton to serve as Chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission.
THE FREE GRAIN PARTY still stands as the last refuge of anyone who’s willing to help himself from the stores of others, Skyline is offering FREE Coney Islands on Opening Day, as long as you buy a drink, however the hell much they are.
Free Grain Party Members include all DemocRATS, RINO Republicans, some TEA Partiers, quite a few Independents, disgruntled postal workers, senior citizens demanding free prescriptions, those who believe bigger government is the answer to all their problems, everybody who said “what Bill Clinton did was indefensible, but he shouldn’t be removed from office,” and those who think pork-barrel spending is OK as long as their district gets the money.
Unfortunately, that group probably doesn’t include all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and Failed Trying To Give Obama a Third Term By Voting For Hillary, and get all of their “fake news” from our Obama Supporters in the Press, like the ones at The Fishwrap and on Channel 5, 9, 12, and 19.
FINALLY AT TONIGHT’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane what was so special about the way The Blower apologized in Saturday’s Annual Mea Culpa E-dition. “Because,” Kane explained, “unlike the politicians we cover, when we apologize, we really, really mean it!”
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Rob “Fighting for Same-Sex Global-Warming” Portman. Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception shows us just how far our Politically Correct Politician might go to get himself introduced at Monday’s Opening Day.
AND COMING UP IN “THE WEEK THAT WILL BE”
MONDAY (APRIL 3) marks the Cincinnati Reds’ Opening Day, which is one of the least productive days of the year for the entire Tri-State Area.
TUESDAY (APRIL 4) we’ll be checking to see how all those Addled Andersonians are making out with our suggested detours after the entire Township was closed on Monday so paving could begin on the World’s Most Expensive Left Turn Lane at Beechmont and Five Mile, and our Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers will tell us what they think of all that.
WEDNESDAY (APRIL 5), we’ll be checking with people who’ve had their taxes done so they can find out how much of their hard-earned money will be confiscated by the IRS on April 18 so our Crooks in Congress can keep pissing it away.
THURSDAY (APRIL 6) we’ll be checking in to see how long it’ll be before “Tax Freedom Day” arrives, when the nation as a whole has earned enough money to pay off its total tax bill for the year.
THE FIRST LINE OF FRIDAY’S (APRIL 7) LIMERICK IS “This year on the Reds’ Opening Day.”
AND SATURDAY (ARRIL 8) we’ll be trying to figure out if the Reds have yet been eliminated this year.
Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 742 different websites for the production of today’s Blower, many of our filches were from our friends at Weasel Zippers.
WEEK IN REVIEW HOT LINE
e-mail your revolutionary recaps today
Some political score-keeping items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally political score-keeping subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.
Tonight’s Whistleblower Public Service Video
For The Blower’s Male Cancer Awareness Campaign
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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