SATURDAY, MARCH 18, 2017
These Fictitious People Still Sound A Lot Like Some People We Know
Here’s another column featuring the same sleazy 1980s characters at the satirical Patronage County Courthouse, to illustrate things going on hereabouts these days, so our Persons of Consequence might gain yet another useful perspective on the news.
These articles are Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as the struggling columnist below who shares his acute and surprisingly accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.
“Primary Concerns” By James Jay Schifrin
This week in Patronage County, Muck Raker, political columnist for the Patronage County Innuendo, was interviewing our three Corrupt Commissioners from Patronage County about the results of Ohio’s Republican Primary Elections on March 15.
“It’s still pretty much politics as usual,” said Commissioner Filch. “Nothing much has changed.”
“What about all that money the Ohio Republican Party spent on lying ads against TEA Party Patriots instead of using it to attack DemocRATS?” Racker asked.
“Obviously, ORP officials are happy they won so many contested races by lying about their candidates being champions of limited government. I’m sure they’ll use the same strategy in the future,” Commissioner Pilfer explained.
“Then how do you explain Tom Brinkman’s State Rep victory over Peter Stautberg three years ago?” Racker asked. “Maybe now his wife can finally register to vote for Hillary as a DemocRAT.”
“Brinkman had those feisty women warriors in the Anderson TEA Party working for him. They’re the only local TEA Party organization in Ohio that realized “TEA” stands for “Taxed Enough Already,” said Commissioner Swindle. “Brinkman never would’ve won without them. He better hope one of those bitches never turns against him.”
“Then how do you explain the results of all those 2014 Ohio State Central Committee elections?” Raker asked. “Were all those people just wasting their time?”
“That’s what it looked like,” said Commissioner Filch. “What those disgruntled activists didn’t understand is exactly how few people really care about the Central Committee. There just aren’t enough of them to make a difference.”
“But I still don’t see what happened,” Raker said.
“For example, Crystal Faulkner spent big bucks mailing her propaganda to ALL the Republican voters. The Ohio Republican Party was involved with Robocalls and flushing at the polls. Faulkner did Robocalls with The Windbag, of all people, and poor Crista Criddle had no money to spend in spite of being painted as a getting-rich-off-the-government bureaucrat by Lady Faulkner. Burr Robinson lost, too. He and Christa did a lot of door-to-door and grassroots campaigning, but in the end 90-year-old geezer Stan Aronoff won handily on name recognition without doing a damn thing. Does he even live around here? He spend most of his time in Palm Beach, with is matching white-patent-leather shoes and belt.” Commissioner Pilfer said.
“It all sounds so complicated,” the columnist said. “So how do the three of you explain how you always seem to survive primary elections so easily?”
“That’s easy,” they all laughed. “We always run unopposed.”
This op-ed column, first published in The Whistleblower-Newswire on May 9, 2015, never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press, personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.