THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2017
Groundhog Day (AGAIN!)
According to folklore and an almost endless amount of meaningless media hype, when celebrity groundhog Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow today, that meant there’ll be six more weeks of winter. Hurley the Historian says on this date in 1887 the first Groundhog Day featured a rodent meteorologist predicting the weather at Gobbler’s Knob in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.
Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose Bill Vaughn’s: “The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its prediction and then disappears.”
But each year at this time, the Greedy Weasels at iHeart (formerly Clear Channel) (formerly Jake-Whore) also beg The Blower not to remind people about that fateful day in 1995 when helicopter traffic reporter John Phillips got arrested and was later convicted for strafing groundhogs from his helicopter at the Blue Ash Airport, or that time at Phillips’ court appearance when he broke down and unsuccessfully tried to claim “Guns don’t kill groundhogs, people do.”
The Greedy Weasels are still trying to identify that guy from WGRR Radio who dressed up in a groundhog costume we all saw on TV waving through the glass on the courtroom door.
The Greedy Weasels would also not like us to remind you about their hypocrisy, citing that time Punxsutawney Phillips slammed Bill Clinton for his moral failings in one breath, then advertised Bristol’s strip joint in the next. Phillips is no longer on the air at WLW Hate Radio after his contract was finally not renewed, sort of like what happened to Angry Andersonian Darryl Parks, but not exactly.
Friends of Phil now demand that Groundhog Day be declared a national holiday. Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and Failed Trying To Give Obama a Third Term By Voting For Hillary, and get all of their information from our Obama Supporters in the Press, like the ones at The Fishwrap and on Channel 5, 9, 12, and 19, think everybody should get the Groundhog Day off with pay and Eastern Avenue be renamed the Punxsutawney Phil Highway.
“Friends of Phil” is not associated with that fan club for Cincinnati Police Officer Phil (aka Philicia) Barnes, who sued the bejesus out of the City after he/she/it was demoted from sergeant for not exhibiting command presence by sporting mascara and lipstick, long painted fingernails, permanently arched eyebrows, and 38-DD breast implants. That “Friends of Philicia” group still meets secretly in the special unisex restroom at District Two.
Meanwhile in Northern Kentucky, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane and fellow gourmands like Clueless Marc Wilson and Scott “Pass the Biscuits” Kimmich always get together for brunch at Beaver’s on Groundhog Day to enjoy some of that world-famous delicious Groundhog Stew. Clueless asks, “Where’s the Beaver?” but Kane says, “That’s good groundhog.”
Groundhog Day is always a special time for our own Linda Libel, since Kane took our longtime Whistleblower gossip columnist to a Groundhog Day party where she first met her husband Tom, and in all those years since, Linda still hasn’t forgiven him. Come to think of it, neither has her husband Tom.
Whistleblower Zoological Reporter Thane Tadwell says most people think Groundhog Day came late this year, that’s probably because we’ve all been living in a Groundhog Day movie ever since Donald Trump took charge of America on January 20. In Today’s installment, Donald J Trump has threatened UC Berkeley with cutting off federal funds, put Iran “ON NOTICE” and gotten into an argument with the President of Australia over immigrants. Meanwhile, Disingenuous DemocRATS in the Senate are boycotting Trump’s Nominees, and comedians are calling for a military coup. It’s just like any other day in Trump’s America.
GROUNDHOG DAY HOT LINE
e-mail your political predictions today
Some woodchuck whacking items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally woodchuck whacking subscribers, but we could always use more.
GROUNDHOG DAY VIDEOS
Groundhog Day With Donald Trump
Trump Groundhog Day China
Putzatawney Trump Teaser
Putzutawney™ Trump 2017 Groundhog Day address!
Groundhog Day – The Reckoning
Punxsutawney Polamalu Sees His Shadow
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.