THURSDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2016
Seediest Kids of All
The Whistleblower’s 26th Annual Seediest Kids of All Campaign (not associated with the Failed United Way) is now in full swing.
We’re featuring some truly inspirational stories about the waifs and urchins we claim to have helped in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky, just so you’ll believe we actually give a big rat’s ass.
Why don’t we have a more traditional holiday guilt campaign like the rest of the corrupt news media? No charity made our beloved publisher its president in exchange for free publicity and our “endorsement” we don’t have a fat weatherman turned radio talk-show host who was never actually convicted of beating up his girlfriend, and all the really good dead celebrities other than Harriet Beecher Stowe, “Clean Gene” Ruehlmann, and “BeanBall Jim” Bunning have already been taken.
The Mikey Brown Story
Today’s Seediest Kid of All is Poor Little Mikey Brown, a portly pantload from Indian Hill, who wanted to win the Punt, Pass, and Kick Competition to please his dad, who was a real football fanatic. Poor Little Mikey dreamed of standing at mid-field during halftime, where a stadium full of fans would cheer him, and everybody else at home would see him on TV.
So the Seediest Kids of All sent over the entire Bungals coaching staff, who taught him everything they knew.
Unfortunately, at the Punt, Pass, and Kick Competition, Poor Little Mikey’s punt went a total of six yards, he fumbled the ball attempting to pass, and he tripped over the tee when he tried to kick the ball. On second thought, maybe we shouldn’t have sent over the Bungals coaching staff. At least Mikey didn’t embarrass himself in front of a stadium full of people, since the stands were empty, and since it was a Bungals home playoff game, nobody saw it at home because as usual, because the game was blacked out on TV.
The Brown family called to express their gratitude to for all our help, but it’s really you they have to thank, because it’s your guilt and over-taxed payer dollars throughout the year which make it all possible.