MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 2015
How Will These Ordinary Americans Celebrate Union Day?
Mama Maruska, Retired Homemaker: Cooking for my ungrateful family like I do on every holiday.
Porky Dorkman, Student: Getting ready to skip school tomorrow.
Marlene Mandible, Totally Unemployable: Paying for three seats on my airline flight.
Earl Pitts, Part-time Taxidermist: Hopin’ my kids don’t get their fingers blowed off with all those illegal fireworks I bought at the truck stop.
Linda Libel, Gossip Columnist: Trying to pick up on the latest hearsay about women who wanted to get up close and personal with Crooked Hillary’s Husband, Bill Clinton at Coney Island today.
Suzie Soccermom, TEA Partier: Avoiding being raped, murdered, or run over by unruly Black Teenagers after the fireworks in downtown Cincinnati.
Leroy Williams, Street Corner Pharmacist: Selling crack to teenagers in Over-the-Rhine.
Norma Rashid, Former TV5 Anchorwoman: Sitting home alone waiting for Charlie to call.
Jack Mehoff, Used Solar Panel Salesman: Eatin’ lots of brats and metts at the union picnic even though I still haven’t paid my dues.
Emily Frump, Retired City Employee: Worrying about what’s going to happen to my pension.
CH Snitch, 1000 Main Street: Trying to find party hacks to volunteer to be poll workers for all those Hamilton County judicial candidates running unopposed.
Sid Schlock, Slumlord: planning on how to raise the rent on illegal aliens.
Ken CamBoo, Northern Kentucky Journalist: Wondering why there are so few unions in the Bluegrass State.
TEA Party Tim: Circulating Right-to-work petitions.
Reverum Calhoun, Minister: Boycottin’ the Union Day Picnic at Coney Island.
Seedy Diehl, Northern Kentucky: Getting another day off with pay.
Rashid Jones, Escort Service Provider: Tellin’ his main lady “This ain’t no holiday for you, bitch! Get out on the street and bring me my money.”
Whistleblower Video of the Day
Thanks, Union Bosses!
Sent in by the Union-Busting Koch Brothers.
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.