FRIDAY, JUNE 3, 2016
It’s Such A Big Megillah For Just A Gorilla
Yesterday The Blower published what we thought was a damn funny parody of an e-ditorial about all that crazy commentary following the assassination of Harambe, the 17-year-old Gorilla-American, shot to protect a 4-year-old (downgraded to a 3-year-old) dropped into the gorilla enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo.
We even plagiarized Fishwrap Editor Peter Bhatia’s parody of a serious editorial meant to explain why The Fishrap had failed to name the mother of the child, who some people in the social media world actually believe should be prosecuted for child endangerment.
And with all the worldwide hype on this story, it’s no wonder Hamilton County Prosecutor “JayWalking Joe” Deters will not be convening his orchestrated press conference until 1 PM on Monday. Deters’ press release says:
“Please allow enough time to go through the metal detectors. Mr. Deters will begin promptly at 1:00 p.m.” (The Underline shows just how serious this is going to be. The Old JayWalker didn’t even do that for his historic Tensing Press Conference.)
But if we thought The Blower’s parody (where we plagiarized Fishwrap Editor Peter Bhatia’s parody of a serious editorial meant to explain why The Fishrap had failed to name the mother of the child) was great, wait till you ready the Toledo Blade’s call to fire Thayne Maynard and for Toledoans to boycott the Cincinnati Zoo and all things Cincinnati — even its poorly performing baseball team. Those guys were serious. [YOU NEED TO READ THAT WHOLE THING HERE]
That’s why this afternoon in the Whistleblower Newsroom, Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane, who’s only been one of the greatest American satirists since 1978, said he’s never seen anything like it, and the counter at the lower right hand corner of the Whistleblower Web Page will be counting down the days, hours, minutes, and seconds until The Jaywalker’s press conference begins at 1PM on Monday, so all those Gorilla-Americans don’t riot in all this heat.