TUESDAY, MAY 17, 2016

The Lighter Side Of Male Urination

With all those columns and stories we’re seeing about Obama’s allowing dirty old men to pee in little girls’ bathroom these days, copy editors will soon be telling reporters and columnists to come up with some better words and phrases to describe the act of male urination. Let’s face it, when describing a vile-and-disgusting pervert in a ladies’ room, to say he went in “to take a pee” just won’t do.

That’s why our Cunning Linguist came up with these somewhat more colorful alternatives.

Aim Archie at the Armitage
Answer the call of nature (or nature’s call)
Beating the piss out of the little guy
Blasting the beast
Bleeding the lizard
Breaking the seal (specifically the first visit during a drinking session)
Change water on the goldfish
Coffee dump
Cooling a tire (American truck driver slang)
Do a wee
Draining the Anaconda
Draining the dragon
Draining the lizard
Draining the main vein
Draining the radiator
Draining the sleepy weasel
Draining the one-eyed monster
Draining my rpg
Draining down the system
Empty my tank
Flush my buffers
Freshen my Snapple
Go pee pee
Going to the office
Going to water my horse
Hosing the porcelain
Humping the cat loin
Jimmy Riddle
Leak the lizard
Let er’ fly
Lift leg (used commonly among members of the furry fandom, derived from how male canines urinate)
Lower the water level
Make one’s bladder gladder
Number one
Parking my breakfast
Pass water
Paying the water bill
Pee
Pwenk (very rare)
Pee Pee
Piddle (considered a coarse expression in some quarters)
Piss
Pit stop
Point Percy at the Porcelain
Point the Pink Pistol at the Porcelain Firing Range
Powder one’s nose
Punish the porcelain
Putting out the fire
Raining on the bowl
Release the pressure
Refresh the body
Relieve yourself
See a man about a horse
Shaking hands with the president
Shaking hands with the vicar
Shaking hands with the wife’s best friend
Shaking the dew off the lily
Soaking yourself
Splashing the pirate
Spend a penny
Sprinkle
Sprinkle my tinkle
Squeeze the lemon
Squirt
Squirt(ing) the dirt (American truck driver slang)
Steering Stanley to the stainless steel
Syphon the python
Taking a leak
Taking a pee
Taking a piss (considered a coarse expression in some quarters)
Taking a slash
Taking a squirt
Taking a whiz`z
Tapping a kidney
Tinkle
Training Thomas on the terracotta
Troggle
Twinkle
Visit Uncle Charley
Visit the urination station
Void my bladder
Walk my snake
Wash my mongoose
Water my weasel
Watering the flowers (outdoor)
Write my name in the water
Write my name in the snow
Take a wicked “Yes” (Family Guy; Peter Griffin in French class after hearing the words, Oui Oui)
Having a slash
Take a Chinese singing lesson
Running the Sidney Lanier Bridge
Talking to grandma slowly
To go and spend a penny

And if you really wanted to have a little fun, you could make a joke out of a man going into a ladies’ room, like Peter O’Toole did in “My Favorite Year.”