FRIDAY, MAY 6, 2016
Time Out for Hot Tamales
This week, everybody who is hoping to see another Cinci de Mayo riot, e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is Juan Carlos Gonzales de Lopez Ruiz, or as his fellow residents in Lower Price Hill call him, “Hey, Wetback.”
Juan wins an “I Tried to Start a Riot and All I Could Steal Was This Crappy T-Shirt” T-shirt, an off-the-books construction job from a local award-winning homebuilder, a night of pleasure at an Hispanic Whorehouse in Sharonville, nude photos of Sasha Rionda, and tips on how to evade the INS from the Illegal Aliens Association. His winning entry is:
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo:
Practice your Spanish by learning to sing “Day-O.”
So when the Mexicans arrive to cut all your grass,
And illegally claim welfare benefits en masse,
You can practice diversity while out the ass you pay-o.
And now for some dishonorable mentions
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo:
Buy a case of Cerveza and get really high-o.
Throw every bottle on the Kellogg Soccer Field.
When the polices arrive, make sure your dope is concealed,
And say, “Would you like to meet my seester? She’s right here on standby-o.”
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo
Pour yourself a shot of Tequila and Papay-o,
And truck on down to the Arizona border
With that Glock .45 you got from mail order
And to Julio and Jose say good-bye-o!
Senor Bob Castellini says
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo
To celebrate what should be our big day-o.
Go out with Conchita,
She knows how to treat ya,
And maybe you won’t have to pay-o.
“TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman says
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo
Be glad you live here in Ohio
Unleash your beagles
And hunt down illegals,
And ship them back where they play jai-alai-o.
Loony Libertarian Jim Berns says
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo
With Moises, Jose, Jesus, and Alfredo:
Bring your ball to Schmidt field,
Keep those six-packs concealed,
And CRC won’t even make you pay-o!
Rick “The Batboy” Robinson says
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo:
Drink till you puke, my oh, my oh!
If you did that in Juarez
Your pesos would go as far as
A hundred would last in Ohio.
Bobby Leach says
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo
Pretend it’s Mexico, when it’s really Ohio.
Drink til you turn blue
And don’t catch the Swine Flu
And maybe catch a bit of fur pie-oh!
And from the Anderson Laureate (who’s still not successfully completed his racial sensitivity correspondence course):
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo
Take a scouting trip down to the bayou.
Draft some “hot Cajun chicks”
Who could teach the Secret Service some tricks
And then bring them back to Ohio.
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo
Drive down to the New Orleans bayou
If you stick around here,
All you’ll get is cheap beer
Cajuns are wilder than folks in Ohio.
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo
Protest Arizona’s new illegals law, oh-my-oh!
Despite minor setbacks
We need lots of new wetbacks
Good thing the border’s not on Ohio!
Here’s how to have fun on Cinco de Mayo
Go down and see the oil spill on the Bayou
In Air Force One, the Messiah is flyin’
To visit the fish and shrimp that are dyin’
Just be glad you live in Ohio.
