THURSDAY, MAY 5, 2016
Today, jokewriters all over America are looking through all those old John Kasich speeches for material.
Meanwhile, Last Night On Late Night TV
- After last night’s Indiana primary, it’s starting to look like we finally have our two candidates for president. It’s down to “Uh Oh” versus “I Guess.”
- After winning the Indiana primary, Donald Trump is now set to become the first major-party nominee without political experience since Dwight Eisenhower, who was a five-star general during World War II. When Trump heard that, he was like, “Big deal, I’m gonna be president for World War III.”
- John Kasich also suspended his campaign less than 24 hours after Ted Cruz. When asked why he waited this long, Kasich said, “So I could say I got second place!”
- Now that he’s the Republican nominee, Donald Trump is searching for a qualified running mate. When asked why, Trump said, “Opposites attract.”
- During his victory speech, Donald Trump said he wants to “bring unity to the Republican Party.” Trump said, “I’ve loved the Republican Party ever since I joined it eight months ago.”
- Yesterday, Bernie Sanders said, “I sense some great victories coming.” Sanders made the statement two hours after eating a large bowl of fiber.
- Yesterday, Ted Cruz dropped out of the race. When Donald Trump heard that Cruz had dropped out, Trump told his supporters, “See? I’ve already kept one Hispanic from taking an American’s job.”
- John Kasich announced to a crowd in Ohio today that he is dropping out of the presidential race. The crowd overwhelmingly responded, “And you are…?”
- This morning I went on the Ted Cruz-Carly Fiorina website, they still had things for sale … even issued a warning that some of the items are back-ordered and may take up to two weeks to ship. That means the shipping time was longer than the actual time of their campaign.
- Today Ohio Gov. John Kasich dropped out. That’s a shame. He was just starting to get going. The math was not in his favor. He needed 235 percent of the remaining delegates to win.
- The good news is that dropping out of the race will in no way affect his chance of becoming president of the United States.
- Meanwhile on the Democrat side, Bernie Sanders beat Hillary Clinton among young voters, white voters, independents, and voters who are fans of the bed-head look.
- The next big battle for the Democrats is on Saturday at the Guam caucus, which sounds like an STD, but it’s a thing.
- John Kasich has officially dropped out of the presidential race. So if you were a big John Kasich fan, no you weren’t.
- After a bitter campaign season in which he only won his home state of Ohio, John Kasich today suspended his presidential campaign. Now he can go back to his old job playing the cool math teacher in a teen show on the Disney Channel.
Political Posters With Punch Lines
More Political Punch Lines Later on The Whistleblower Newswire 