SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2016
More Politics Unusual
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this Today in 1844, President John Tyler was cruising the Potomac with 400 others aboard the U.S. Navy’s new steam frigate USS Princeton, when a brand new 12-inch, 27,000-pound cannon called the Peacemaker exploded. And you thought screw-ups like that only happened during the Obama Administration.
MAYBE THAT’S WHY OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Tyler’s Let it be henceforth proclaimed to the world that man’s conscience was created free; that he is no longer accountable to his fellow man for his religious opinions, being responsible therefore only to his God.
THE LATEST POLLS: Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen here comes Super Tuesday, this year’s political Groundhog Day when we’ll find out whether the Republican presidential slugfest is over or bound to continue a while longer. Nearly 600 GOP delegates are at stake in primaries and caucuses throughout the country. [READ MORE HERE]
OUR LATE NIGHT TV JOKEWATCHER liked Jimmy Fallon’s: Tonight in Houston, Texas, there was yet another Republican debate. Even the people on “Grey’s Anatomy” were like, “How long does this go on?” You can tell the candidates are getting bored up there ’cause at one point they took turns prank calling Jeb Bush. Last night, John Kasich said his favorite president was George Washington because he could have been president forever but stepped down after two terms. While Trump said his favorite president was George Washington ’cause he also wore a fantastic wig. Mitt Romney recently accused Trump of having a bombshell in his tax returns, then Trump responded by tweeting that Romney blew an election. Yeah, Donald Trump is fighting with Mitt Romney. Even the Oscars were like, “That’s just too white.” In a new interview, Donald Trump’s wife, Melania, said that she speaks English, Italian, French, and German. Which is good ’cause if she ever becomes first lady she’ll need to apologize for her husband in at least those four languages.
Conan O’Brien said: It’s been reported that Donald Trump, despite his anti-immigration stance, hired over 500 foreign workers at his Florida resort. In fairness, the resort is called “Hypocrisy Cove.” The latest polls show Donald Trump beating Marco Rubio in Rubio’s home state of Florida by 16 points. To win back Florida voters, Rubio has started doing meth. U.S. astronaut Scott Kelly is about to return to Earth after spending an entire year in space. Then he saw Donald Trump’s poll numbers and said, “You know, I’m good up here.” It’s been announced that Vice President Joe Biden will be a presenter at Sunday night’s Oscars. So, diversity problem — solved! President Obama said that his very first job was scooping ice cream. After hearing this, Chris Christie said, “I thought he looked familiar.”
James Corden said: there is a new website for Bernie supporters who are looking for love. It’s called Berniesingles.com. In fairness, it makes sense that Bernie would have a dating website because he looks just like the eHarmony guy. On Bernie’s website you have two choices. You can swipe left or swipe far left. The Clintons also have their own dating website. It’s called Ashley Madison. A woman in Oregon has opened a business selling homemade weed pipes with Bernie’s campaign logo on them. Weed pipes are the perfect gift for Bernie supporters. It’s like getting a nice bottle of wine for a Hillary supporter, or getting somebody who wants to vote for Ted Cruz a machine gun made out of Bibles.
Jimmy Kimmel said: Donald Trump has a powerful new enemy and his name is Mitt Romney. You remember Mitt Romney, the JCPenney mannequin who came to life and ran for president four years ago? He’s back. Romney said there will be a bombshell in Donald Trump’s tax returns once they are released, and added that he’s either not as rich as he says he is or he didn’t give money to the veterans or disabled people like he’s been saying he does. How is that a bombshell? Of course he’s not as rich as he says he is. He’s not as anything as he says he is.
Seth Meyers said: CNN and Telemundo both carried tonight’s debate. So questions were addressed either “for Mr. Trump” or “para El Diablo.” President Obama posted on LinkedIn today about his first job scooping ice cream. He’s the first president to post on LinkedIn — other than, of course, Abraham LinkedIn.
GOING GALT means taking the John Galt Pledge. Let’s all say it together: “I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.”
IN THIS WEEK’S COLUMN FROM PATRONAGE COUNTY TITLED “GRIPE,” We learned that griping is a fundamental freedom guaranteed in the Bill of Rights. Throughout our nation’s history, griping has been as fundamental as baseball, apple pie, hot dogs, and Toyotas. That op-ed column first appeared in the legendary Mt. Washington Press on February 25, 1981.
NOW HERE’S THE LATEST FROM BUNKY TADWELL, The Odious Octegenarian: This poem is a little late for Mardi Gras, because we just came across his “Lust in My Heart,” found in better bookstores everywhere, except in Cleves.
Want Some Candy, Little Girl?
Fashion says it’s OK
To put young girls’ charms on display
But if you should just touch
I’ll tell you this much
The cops will put you away.
SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL: Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible. This week’s Seediest Kid of All was “Little Greggie” Delev, an unhappy 14-year-old Anderson Township second-grader who was never chosen for anything important, no matter how much he sucked up to everybody at school. [READ MORE HERE]
WHISTLEBLOWER SENIOR BUSINESS EDITOR MERRILL FORBES reports Zacks Equity says recapping the week of trading on the eve of the weekend of the Academy Awards, we’ve seen a little bit of everything: while there has been some long overdue “Joy” regarding crude oil prices firming this week, the “Spotlight” was often on China, which sold off and took global markets down due to fears of market liquidity and investors pulling out of the world’s second-largest economy.
THE FREE GRAIN PARTY still stands as the last refuge of anyone who’s willing to help himself from the stores of others, and many Free Grain Party Members can hardly wait until the next Disingenuous DemocRAT Debate to see how much FREE Stuff is being promised. But it didn’t seem to work too well for Bernie Sanders yesterday, since Hillary won 84% of the votes from Black slackers in South Carolina.
Free Grain Party Members include all DemocRATS, RINO Republicans, some TEA Partiers, quite a few Independents, disgruntled postal workers, senior citizens demanding free prescriptions, those who believe bigger government is the answer to all their problems, everybody who said “what Bill Clinton did was indefensible, but he shouldn’t be removed from office,” and those who think pork-barrel spending is OK as long as their district gets the money.
Unfortunately, that group probably doesn’t include all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and get all of their information from our Obama Supporters in the Press.
FINALLY AT TONIGHT’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Charles Foster Kane what to make of the lack of leadership from Republicans in Congress these days. “2016 will be The Great Undo Election,” Kane explained. “Because when America elects a new President and Congressional Leaders in only 254 more days, voters hopefully won’t be looking for the same kind of lying elected officials steeped in scandal and hypocrisy, because after eight disastrous years of failed promises and deceptions from Obama and Congress, even a few of those ignorant and apathetic morons who actually vote might be looking for some Real Change at the White House and in Congress.”
AND COMING UP IN “THE WEEK THAT WILL BE”
MONDAY (FEBRUARY 29), we’ll be celebrating the end of Black Lives Really, Really Matter History Month, while we’re continuing our countdown of the 327 days remaining during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless he’s impeached.
TUESDAY (MARCH 1) is Super Tuesday and we’ll see Marc Rubio can win his own Florida primary, or else establishment GOP leaders will be dumping him in favor of drafting Mitt Romney, the GOP presidential nominee who lost to Obama in 2012.
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Hamilton County’s Disingenuous Double-Dipping Democrat Auditor, who still hasn’t explained exactly how his office came up with its Fair Property Values for your Jacked-Up Property Taxes. Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception shows us how that might have happened.
WEEK IN REVIEW HOT LINE
Today’s Whistleblower Video
Chris Rock’s opening monologue at the 2016 Oscars