Special “Patronage County Today” E-dition


These Fictitious People Still Sound A Lot Like Some People We Know

         image005Here’s another column featuring the same sleazy 1980s characters at the satirical Patronage County Courthouse, to illustrate things going on hereabouts these days, so our Persons of Consequence might gain yet another useful perspective on the news.

These articles are Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as the struggling columnist below who shares his acute and surprisingly accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.image009

“Same Play, Different Players” by James Jay Schifrin


Public buildings in Patronage County will be closed two days this week.

Monday, Presidents Day, bureaucrats everywhere took another unearned day off to attend Presidents’ Day sales to honor the birthdays of Honest Abe and the father of our country, who could not tell a lie.

But later n the week, Patronage County Republicans will take a day of sick leave and travel to Columbus to welcome Richard M. Nixon to a fund-raiser.

If Patronage County, Republicans haven’t taken down pictures of their patron saint since he left office.

Cincinnati City Councilman Ken Whitewall held an impromptu press conference. “Nixon’s my kind of man. Although I’ve been a Republican for only a few days, we have a lot in common,” Whitewall said.

At the courthouse, the Gang of Three’s support was unanimous. “Nixon got a raw deal,” said Commissioner Filch. “I’ve known him for years and he’s the most honest politician I know.”

“It wasn’t Nixon’s fault,” chimed in Commissioner Pilfer. “His aides cause all the trouble. Nixon’s problem was that he was to naïve and trusting of the people working for him.”

“Nixon never should’ve resigned,” added Commissioner Swindle. “The attorney general investigated the charges and found him completely innocent of any willful wrongdoing.”

Also at the courthouse, the Committee to Resurrect Republicans was busy Xeroxing material for Nixon’s next campaign, whenever that might be.

Not all Ohio Republicans, however, were overjoyed at the prospects of the defrocked-President’s visit. For example, State Party Chairman Earl T. Barnes, trying to sanitize his image before running for governor in 1982, was planning an unexpected emergency to keep him from attending the meeting.

This op-ed column first appeared in the feisty Mt. Washington Press on February 18, 1981.