TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 2016

Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers

According to Whistleblower Lexicographer Funkin’ Wagnalls, the proper spelling for yesterday’s invented holiday is “Presidents’ Day,” not “President’s Day” or “Presidents Day.” —Sidney Spellchecker

Please tell Sidney correct spelling is irrelevant in today’s graduate’s from public screwel’s. Everybody now know’s that almost any and every “s” at the end of a word should be preceded by an apostrophe. Look around. It’s used car’s, a sale on TV’s, three taco’s for two dollar’s, three suit’s free with the purchase of one (at JOE-seff A. Bank), etc. Want frie’s with that? Or would it be spelled, Want fry’s with that? Whatever! —Conservative Curmudgeon Stu Mahlin

I much preferred it when the nation celebrated Washington and Lincoln’s birthdays separately, before Congress opted to change that practice for a three-day weekend. But much more I preferred it when our Presidents were proud to uphold the dignity of the office – before President Obama embarrassed himself (without realizing it) and us with his Buzzfeed video. May the Good Lord help us! —Bob McConnell, The Guy Who Sends You All Those Conservative Cartoons

Why didn’t The Blower just wish everybody a happy patri-idiotic Washington- Adams- Jefferson- Madison- Monroe- Adams- Jackson- Van Buren- Harrison- Tyler- Polk- Taylor- Fillmore- Pierce- Buchanan- Lincoln- Johnson- Grant- Hayes- Garfield- Arthur- Cleveland- Harrison- McKinley- Roosevelt- Taft-Wilson- Harding- Coolidge- Hoover- Roosevelt- Truman- Eisenhower- Kennedy- Johnson- Nixon- Ford- Carter- Reagan- Bush 41- Clinton- Bush 43-Obama Day?—Whistleblower Presidential Historian Dorian Grady

If you’re going to insist on always using “Bush 41” and “Bush 43,” then you must also use “Adams 2” and “Adams 6,” “Harrison 9” and “Harrison 24,” “Johnson 17” and “Johnson 36,” and “Roosevelt 26” and “Roosevelt 32.” —Nerdly Nitpicker

Yesterday we just wished everybody Happy “Barack Obama is the Only President We Will Ever Care About” Day. —Obama Supporters in the Press

During the Presidents’ Day Weekend, over-taxed payers treated Obama to another well-deserved weekend golfing vacation while The Mooch doubled the cost with her separate over-taxed-payer-funded holiday in Aspen. —The Obamas for Divided Marriages America

Here’s some good news: Only one in five companies with fewer than 500 employees said they are “likely” or “very likely” to discontinue company-provided healthcare coverage within five years. — Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and get all of their information from our Obama Supporters in the Press, like the ones on Channel 5

Thanks for telling all your Persons of Consequence that today was the deadline to register to vote in the March 15 Ohio Primary elections. —Hamilton County RINO Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP

Please don’t ask how Obama can reconcile his objections to the GOP position not to vote on his Supreme Court nominee when Senator Obama himself supported a filibuster against Bush nominee, Samuel Alito. —Obama White House Propaganda Minister Josh Earnest

Actually, I’m not the first person to use obscenities in American politics. —Donald Fucking Trump

Not all of the women my husband cheated on me with claimed he told them I was a Lesbian. —Hillary

If I win, it will be the first time a Jewish family moved into public housing that was left vacant by a black family. —Bernie Sanders

Some days I just can’t stop surging. —Ohio Governor John Kasich, Falling Back To Fourth Place With Only 10% In The South Carolina Polls

Why was the Clermont County Republican Party even considering un-endorsing me, if my primary opponent is going to campaign against me. —Ohio Second District Podiatrist/ Congressman “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup

And with only 28 day remaining until the March 15 Primary Election in Ohio, do you think there’s still time to set up one of those biased televised debates between “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman and whoever’s running against him? —League of Women Vipers

As soon as we saw last night’s Blower promoting our scheduled meeting tonight to encourage “Citizen Engagement As Our Founders Planned,” we cancelled the meeting. —Anderson TEA Partiers

With Body Cam Testing scheduled to begin on February 28, isn’t it amazing no one from the City has contacted two of the leading thought-leaders on body-worn cameras, Cincinnati’s last real police chief Tom Streicher or WB Dream Team Chair Scott Greenwood. These two have led the charge for body cameras in law enforcement for the last five years and developed a model policy that’s been the basis of most of the policies and guidelines issued by law enforcement groups on the technology. —Feckless Fishwrappers

Maybe Hamilton County Prosecutor “JayWalking Joe” Deters doesn’t plan to charge me for running down and killing 73-year old Stephen Frank and injuring his daughter Emily as they were legally crossing the street at a crosswalk after enjoying ice cream at the Hyde Park Graeter’s, especially since I was already being followed at the time by the Cincinnati police for running a red light. —Metro Driver Tyrone Patrick

It’s truly an honor to be among this year’s finalists with Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane for the Ebony and Ivory Racial Healing Awards during Black History Month, now called Half-Black History Month in honor of the current resident at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.—Buckwheat Blackwell

Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible. —The Seediest Kids of All

We think we deserve more credit. —United Appall People

We’re currently investigating that curious similarity between Saturday’s Patronage County column entitled “Be My Valentine” originally published 34 years ago and Sunday’s “Valentine’s Daze” E-dition. —Freddie Factchecker

Where was all the news coverage of last week’s Mardi Gras celebration?—Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo

It was so tame this year, our “Girls Gone Wild at Mardi Gras” tape could turn out to be a real bust. —Mainstrasse Merchants

You know you love Mardi Gras too much if you wake up in court with your pants on backwards.—Archie Wilson

We were even going to run a special “Mardi Gras” edition of our “This Week in Kenton Circuit Court” Newsletter, but nothing exciting happened.—Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E. Rob Sanders

Did you know Mardi Gras means “Fat Tuesday?”—Weight Gainers

Does anybody at Channel 5 remember when I used to call Fat Tuesday e-Norma’s Tuesday? —Quisling Charlie Luken

Did you know when you translate “Mardi Gras,” it means “Fat Mardi.” —Goof Doofus

I keep dreaming about Mardi Gras Night at a casino.—Ex Bluegrass Governor Steve BeShear

I keep dreaming about our DemocRAT Dominatrix dressed only in beads. —Rick “The Batboy” Robinson

Whenever I throw beads at slutty girls, they always throw them back. —Will “The Thrill” Terwort

Did they do anything special for Mardi Gras at Golden Corral? —Clueless Marc Wilson

For some of us, every Tuesday is “Fat Tuesday.” —Scott “Pass the Biscuits” Kimmich

You can’t imagine how much drinking goes on at Mardi Gras.—Michael Liquid Plummer and Nathan “Cornbread” Smith

When will The Blower start counting down till BB&BJ Day? —Horny in Hebron

I just got done reading Sports Illustrated “Swimsuit Edition,” but only for the articles. —Your Good Friend Bobby Leach

What articles? —Citizens for Community Values President Phil Burr-Ass

Why do they always celebrate Mardi Gras on a Tuesday? —TV 19’s Lingerie-Model-Turned-Reporter-Turned-Anchorbimbo Tricia “Leemarie” Macke

I quit WXIX-TV to embark on the most ambitious independent journalism project in history and make the Truth in Media project a reality. If Rand Paul shows up at the Clermont County Lincoln Reagan Uible Dinner tonight, I could sell a lot more “Pictures of Trish at the Mardi Gras from my Private Collection” for only $4.75 apiece. —Ben Swann

Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially SWIMSUIT PHOTOGRAPHERS.

More Presidents’ Day E-Cards

WHISTLEBLOWER VIDEO OF THE DAY

HERE’S WHAT AMERICA MISSED ON YESTERDAY’S PRESIDENTS’ DAY
(A Real President)

Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.