FRIDAY, JULY 3, 2015
How to Show Your Patriotism on the Fourth of July Tomorrow
Many ordinary Americans are looking for a way to show their patriotism on Independence Day. But even if you’re too old to join the Marines, you can still show your patriotism by kicking somebody’s well-deserving ass, right here at home. For example:
If you see an adult talking or teenagers playing with their cell phone while they’re playing the National Anthem, kick their asses.
If you see a politician pretending to be patriotic by marching in a parade, kick his ass.
If you see someone burning the American Flag in protest, kick his ass.
When a quagmirist sends you an e-mail telling you the latest count of how many dead and wounded Americans there’ve been in Iraq and Afghanistan and asks, “Is it worth it?, kick his ass.”
If you see a left-wing editorial cartoonist denigrating the military, kick his editorial ass.
If you meet somebody from France or Germany, whose countries cost American lives by aiding and abetting Saddam at the UN, kick his ass. And if you see people buying French and German products in the stores, kick their asses.
If you see a guy waving an ISIS Flag at a Fourth of July Parade, don’t worry about all that Political Correctness Crap, kick his ass.
If you meet a whiny protester who says “But we still didn’t find any weapons of mass destruction,” offer him a nice cup of shut-the-fuck-up and then kick his ass.
If you read a letter to the editor from somebody mocking service in National Guard, find out where that person lives, get a bunch of weekend warriors, go over to that guy’s house, and go kick his ass.
If you see an elected official protesting the war, don’t wait till the next election to kick his ass, go to his office today and kick his ass.
If you see elected officials exploiting our fallen heroes, kick their asses.
Regardless of the rank they held while they served, veterans deserve your highest respect. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull him aside and explain how these men and women fought for the very freedom he basks in every second of his lives. Enlighten him about the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then help hold him down while the veteran kicks his ass.
If you weren’t in the military, don’t pretend that you were. Don’t tell people you used to be “Special Forces,” and collecting GI Joe memorabilia might have been OK if you were still seven, but now it will only get your ass kicked. (Veterans are exempt from this rule.)
When you meet an Air Force member, don’t ask him, “Do you fly a jet?” Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass kickin’ (children are exempt).
Roseanne Barr’s singing of the National Anthem wasn’t a blooper. It was a disgrace. If you think it was funny, sooner or later you’ll get your ass kicked.
Next time Old Glory passes by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage by placing your hand over your heart and quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her. Failure to do either of those will earn you a severe ass kicking.
What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the enemy. The proper word to describe her is “traitor.” (All celebrity war protesters deserve to get their asses kicked.)
Stop asking where ISIS is. Crystal balls aren’t standard issue in the military. And if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let us know, so we can kick his ass.
Finally, whether or not you ever become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. On every paid holiday and religious occasion you enjoy with your family and friends, please remember that there are hundreds of thousands of troops overseas wishing they also could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. We should honor them for their service to our country. Without them, our country would surely get its ass kicked!
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Some really patriotic items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally really patriotic subscribers.
“Free Stuff on the Fourth” By James Jay Schifrin
Tomorrow in Patronage County, everybody will be getting ready to eat BBQ and watch the fireworks to celebrate Independence Day, but our Consternated County Commissioners will still be complaining about the high price of gasoline these days ask themselves: are we truly free and independent?
“Of course we are,” said Commissioner Filch. “Every Fourth of July, Americans celebrate the anniversary of the adoption of the Declaration of Independence in 1776. The signers of the historical document declared themselves a sovereign and independent nation free from tyrannical British rule.”
“You’re wrong, Filch,” Commissioner Pilfer interrupted. “The sad part is that Americans are more dependent on the government than ever before.”
Then Commissioner Swindle explained: “Since our current recession began in December 2007, government programs have grown at an alarming rate. 128 million Americans or more than 41% of the population now receive benefits from one or more federal assistance program. Between 1988 and 2011, people receiving government assistance grew by 62%.”
“Do you mean like people on welfare,” asked Commissioner Filch.
“It’s not just welfare,” said Commissioner Swindle. You have to include food stamps, subsidized housing, “free” medical care, “free” child care, and home energy assistance.”
“According to the Senate Budget Committee, the federal government has spent $3.7 trillion on about 80 different poverty and welfare programs over the past five years,” Commissioner Pilfer added.
“And the thing we really have to worry about,” philosophized Commissioner Swindle, “is when it’s time for us to get ourselves reelected every four years, is making sure all the voters in Patronage County believe all that free stuff is coming from us.”
This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols