Thursday, January 15, 2015 Bartender Blundered, Boehner Survived
Was the third guy who got himself arrested for plotting to kill John Boehner really only planning to poison his wine? What a silly idea that was. You know, that would never work. Any guy who’d try to stick his tongue in Nancy Pelosi’s ear must be immune to any poisonous substance. - Still, Deer Park resident Michael Hoyt, a former bartender at the Wetherington Country Club Ohio in West Chester patronized by Ohio Republican House Speaker John Boehner, has been charged with threatening to murder the 12-term congressman by poisoning his wine. When questioned by the authorities, Hoyt reportedly said evil voices coming from his car speakers and his radio at home told him the House speaker was the devil. Most probably it was WLW Hate Radio Trash Talker Bill Cunningham. The 44-year-old failed mixologist also blamed the Ohio Republican for spreading Ebola and said he had been planning to shoot Boehner with his Beretta .380 automatic, just like the ones on sale at the Point Blank Range & Gun Shop, according to the full-color ad inserted into Sunday’s Fishwrap.
- Deer Park Clowncilman Charlie Tassle says, “I’m glad Mr. Hoyt didn’t live in my Deer Park district.”
- Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane was distraught to hear of the failed murder plot to kill his long time good friend John Boehner. “The Whistleblower Newswire has since revoked Hoyt’s charter subscription,” Kane said. “Michael Hoyt is no longer a Person of Consequence.”
IN A RELATED ITEM, a Violent Extremist Muslim Convert was arrested in Ohio for plotting an ISIS-Inspired Attack on the U.S. Capitol. Green Township resident Christopher Lee Cornell -– also known as Raheel Mahrus Ubaydah -– was arrested Wednesday after authorities learned the man from Congressman Steve Chabothead’s district was plotting a shooting and bombing attack on the US Capitol. Our Tri-State Terrorist also purchased two semi-automatic rifles from the same Point Blank Range & Gun Shop, fast becoming the choice for psychotics and Jihadists in South Western Ohio, conveniently located only a grenade’s throw from Steve Chabothead’s Campaign office. The Blower’s wondering if “profiling” wouldn’t be a good thing, especially after looking at Cornell- Ubaydah’s picture.
Semper Si Slammed, Legacy in the Crapper
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Senile, disgraced former Hamilton County Sheriff Semper Si came out swinging in response to the final installation of the performance assessment of HCSO conducted by Cincinnati’s last real police chief Tom Streicher and Whistleblower Legal Dream Team Chair Scott Greenwood. Fearless Fishwrapper Dan Horn reported Leis blamed the candid assessment of his office as frozen in time and “held together by smoke, mirrors, and absolute secrecy,” on friction with the former chief who claims he successfully managed Cincinnati’s race riots in 2001, and on Greenwood’s sexual orientation. [READ MORE HERE] Greenwood and Leis clashed almost a quarter century ago over the sexually-frustrated sheriff’s obsession with gay male photographs at the Contemporary Art Center and with an acclaimed art film sold by bookstore the Pink Pyramid bookstore, and somehow Semper Si (who swims in the nude at the oh-so-lavender Cincinnati Athletic Club) thinks it’s all about sex. Of course. As always, just as Charlie Keating and Phil Burr-Ass know. Meanwhile, Cincinnati Council Gay Chris Squealback says, “Just because Scott gets way hotter guys than I do is no reason for the sheriff to attack him.”Greenwood & Streicher are nationally lauded authorities in law enforcement who have just successfully (at least financially for them) concluded negotiating a police reform agreement out west in Albuquerque, New Mexico. The senile, disgraced former sheriff is currently waiting for a call from a GOP party hack (probably the DemocRAT who runs the office, or Chairman Blue Face) to soothe his hurt feelings. Hey, Si! You’re a former Marine — stop being such a fucking pussy. Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception shows us the former Sheriff helpfully providing a guide light for a reporter.
More Local News
CH SNITCH AT 1000 MAIN STREET wonders if Hamilton County Treasurer Rob Goering forgot to put the return address on the tax bills that are due on Groundhog’s Day, like he did last year. You’d think the bankruptcy lawyer could take a few minutes to come into the treasurer’s office once in a while to see what’s going on. But there shouldn’t be any problems. The Blower’s sure if all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put Obama In The White House—Twice, will put their payments in an envelope and stand in line for hours at the post office like they do when they vote, where the gruntled postal worker behind the counter will be more than happy to write the address on the envelope for them.
THE CINCINNATI MESS: Cincinnati has found another way to insult city residents and ensure their exodus from the city. When residents call the phone number for city services, they are put on a 30-minute wait. City employees love it because the caller will hang up instead of waiting thirty minutes and they’ll have less work to do. And if that doesn’t work, the first thing you hear after calling (513) 591-6000 is to push “1” to participate in a survey about how well you like the City Service you’re hoping to get, and then you’re told you’ll get a callback for that survey before you make your selection, whether to wait for up to a half hour on line or to be called back by the City to find out what was bugging you in the first place. - REPUBLICANS FOR HIGHER TAXES bemoan the City of Sharonville’s decision to contract with Hamilton County Public Health, saving over-taxpayers $250,000. They believe it’s wrong to spend just $28,000 when you can get the same thing for $278,000.
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OUR CLERMONT CRUSADER wonders if we saw that puff piece in the Columbus Dispatch about John Becker. [READ MORE HERE] Reporter Jim Siegel made it look like Becker’s the only local state-reptile who does anything in Columbus. Becker fears nobody, backs down from nobody, and even stands up to federal judges. What were masturbating state-reptiles like Peter Stautberg and Doug Green doing for the past two years? Meanwhile, the best “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman could do is get his picture taken with some Diverse Dishonest DemocRATS at the recent swearing-in ceremonies.
ANOTHER COUNTY HEARD FROM: Wouldn’t it be funny if our Clinton County Blower Reporter discovered, via public records requests, that Speaker of the Ohio House of Representatives, Cliff Rosenberger, is a mostly bald 33-year-old dweeb who still lives in his parent’s basement? According to the Ohio Secretary of State, Rosenberger lives with his parents at 7027 SR 350 W in Vernon Township. Worse than that, his parents didn’t even bother to vote in the last election. His mother hasn’t voted since 2012. What a fine specimen of leadership that the Ohio House of Representatives have selected for themselves.
PLAGIARISM COUNT: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 412 different websites for the production of today’s Blower.
Happy Real Birthday, MLK
Today is Martin Luther King’s “Real Birthday” and we’re still waiting for one of those Liberal Talking Heads on TV to report that he was really a Republican. —Hurley the Historian- That’s why we chose MLK’s “Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.” —Your Quote for Today Committee
The Martin Luther King Holiday is Monday, and we’re wondering if World’s Biggest Race Baiter Al Sharpton will be in the Tri-State to desecrate the occasion. —Racial Healers- CNN Religion Editor Daniel Burke is today’s winner for claiming France is responsible for the Charlie Hebro Attack, because Muslims in France are victims, just like rioting looters in Ferguson. —Liberal Liar Award Committee
- In Northern Kentucky, the Covington City Commission wonders if we should really be calling this year’s holiday “Twelfth Street/ Martin Luther King Day.”—Covington Mayor Sherry Carran
And don’t forget to sing “My Old Kentucky Home,” especially the part about all the darkies being happy and gay. —Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis- Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible. —The Seediest Kids of All
- We think we deserve more credit. —United Appall People
- In last week’s column titled “Another Exclusive,” we learned how sleazy politicians get impressionable female reporters to give them favorable publicity. —Your Friends in Patronage County
- Is being president and CEO of the Northern Kentucky Chamber a low profile job or what?! —Trey Grayson
- Is that picture of me standing in Ohio big enough on my Kentucky office web page? —Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders
From the pictures of all those houses, we thought The Robster was selling houses these days. —Northern Kentucky Realtors- If Black History Month officially begins on Martin Luther King’s Birthday, when does it ever end? —TV 19’s Trish the Dish
- Should I have been wearing my afro wig to celebrate Martin Luther King’s Birthday? —Jack Atherton, (Channel 22.45 in Dayton in case you wanted to knit me a head warmer)
Also In Northern Kentucky
- 24 YEARS AGO, everybody on the South Shore was anxious for Bush 41 to kick Saddam Hussein’s ass out of Kuwait, but closer to home, The Whistlebower was still covering the news in Northern Kentucky.
THESE DAYS THE CAMBOOZLER, is still hearing about that piece in the Lexington Herald Leader about Bluegrass DemocRAT Governor Steve Beshear’s son, who’s the only declared candidate for Bluegrass Attorney General in 2015. Young Beshear won’t admit that he is representing sleazy clients as part of Stites Harbison’s “anti-attorney general” practice, when had already filed to run for Attorney Geneneal at the conclusion of his good buddy Jack Conway’s term. [READ MORE HERE]- And is Kenton County Commissioner Jon Draud the only person in the county who’s concerned that incoming Judge Kris Knochelmann is spending a half million dollars a year on executive staff? Word is he hired his big time campaign supporter John Stanton as “External Affairs Director” at a cost to over-taxed payers of $100,000 to do his job as Judge Executive. Otherwise, how could he ever run his businesses and the county at the same time? Over-Taxed Payers just got a hellava shaft. Goof Doofus was on the campaign trail pumping for them.
- Grant County Fiscal Court is paying its fire chief an extra $15,000 a year to be the emergency management director. Why does Kenton County Fiscal Court pay three people $175,000 a year to schedule lunch meetings?
Finally, here’s a website that cryptically appeared recently. The Northern Kentucky Tribune is published by the Kentucky Center for Public Service Journalism, whoever the hell they are. Whoever it is, has a keen sense of business opportunity. The Fishwrap gave a big FU to Northern Kentucky when it closed its Fort Mitchell news bureau in 2013, laid off editors and reporters and retreated to Ohio. Skaggie Maggie spends all her free time socializing in Indian Hill and never visits Northern Kentucky except when she flies out of their airport.
AND, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publishers why he featured the work of Thomas Nast, the Father of American Political Cartoons, in Tuesday’s e-dition. Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception said, “Thomas Nast is a hero to all of us,” and Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane proclaimed, “Je Suis Nasty!”
WORD DERIVATIONS HOT LINE e-mail your etymological examples today.
Some nasty items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally nasty subscribers.
Seediest Kids of All The Little Eric D Story
As long as we can remember, The Blower has been telling you about Little Eric D, a lonely little troubled farm lad who lived in seclusion with his family in rural Boondoggle County, Kentucky, abusing and tormenting his family’s farm animals in a pitiful subconscious cry for help. No Kidding!
Little Eric D. grew up in the shadow of his family’s favorite, First Cousin Joey. As infants at family event, it was clear Joey was always the favorite. Joey was the first to be changed, the first to be fed, and last to be corrected. Little Eric’s earliest memories are of staring through the bars of his playpen with his diaper overflowing, at the other children playing and having fun.
So as Little Eric got older, the Seediest Kids of All arranged for WLW Hate Radio to offer Little Eric a part-time job where he could promote himself in lieu of a salary. Noted ACLU Attorney Scott Greenwood, Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders, and Judge Patricia Summe imparted valuable legal lessons, and Trash-Talking WLW Hate Radio Talk Show host Willie Cunningham even sold Little Eric a restaurant that would soon go out of business, all to help Little Eric achieve his lifelong dream as a WLW Hate Radio Enabled Trash-Talking Loudmouth Lawyer/ Restaurateur-Wannabe.
Unfortunately, to this day, Little Eric continues to find himself staring at everybody else having fun and never inviting him to play with them. Success for his First Cousin Joey has led to adulation and acclaim as a defender of society and civilization, but for Little Eric, growing up has meant only trying to defend the indefensible, leading to disdain among his peers and the public; sanctions, penalties, and threats of disbarment; failed political and restaurant ventures; as well as an extra large dose of the “Little Man Syndrome.”
Still, the entire Deters family is grateful to the Seediest Kids of All. But they really have you to thank, because it’s your guilt throughout the year which made it all possible.
SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL HOT LINE e-mail your stories about worthy waifs today.
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Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our January fund-raising drive by the Diabetes Society and their new spokeswoman Paula Dean.
Whistleblower Video of the Day Diversity Training with Scarlett O’Hara (Just in time for MLK’s Birthday)
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