Thursday, January 8, 2015

Today, we are all Charlie Hebdo!

Maybe the reason not everybody showed up at Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Foster Kane’s Surprise Birthday Party on Wednesday was because after that Muslim attack on Free Speech in France, where Murdering Muslims killed 12 people at the Paris office of French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, Obama’s Department of Homeland Security forced us to move the event to an undisclosed location, and they wouldn’t even allow us to notify all of those loyal Persons of Consequence on the Whistleblower e-mail list who were looking forward to all that free food and drinks.

“It’s not just because The Blower’s Satirical Humor might’ve offended Murdering Muslims in the past,” Homeland Security Agent Tom Baldwin explained, “The Agency is also worried about all those other people and groups your satirical Web Page has lampooned for nearly a quarter of a century. And don’t forget, that list of suspects was endless last week when somebody sent you a message by destroying The Blower’s Web Page. Coincidence? We think not.”

“Remember,” Kane explained, “jokes don’t kill people. Muslims offended by jokes kill people. And if The Blower was ever forced to dial back our sarcasm because we were afraid of alienating any group or individual, we’d have to cease publication. Even the Department of Homeland Security is on our suspect list.

“Therefore, moving forward, we vow to leave no stone uncast, no bridge unburned, no toe unstomped, no panty un wadded, no nose not cut off, no sleeping dog left lying, no hornet’s nest not stirred, no eggshells not walked on,no turd unpolished, no dead horse unbeaten, no hand that feeds us not bitten, no bathwater tossed out without the baby still in it, no shorts unknotted, no dry powder, no gay not ridiculed, nor no woman unscorned.”

Which reminds us of the old story Hamilton County Prosecutor “Jaywalking Joe” Deters used to tell about what would happen if Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane were somehow found murdered, and Deters and the Sheriff Si Leis would arrive at the crime scene to investigate. One of the detectives might ask if Kane had any enemies, and Semper Si would answer, “Almost everybody.”

All of which certainly put a damper on The Blower’s Surprise Birthday Party Celebration for Charles Foster Kane. And indeed, the number of celebrities who actually showed up at the birthday party was a lot fewer than we’d ever expected. Award Winning Illustrator Artis Conception was probably the most disappointed of all, because he could hardly wait to show us all those 2015 A-list celebrities who’d shown up to honor our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher. Sadly, Artis suggested we should instead use the picture from last year’s Charles Foster Kane Celebrity Roast.

And although The Blower is not pulling its punches because we’re afraid of a Satirical Attack, we are withholding the names of these guests to protect the innocent, except Muslim Hating Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters. He’s the bald guy in the back row.

Seediest Kids of All

The Juanito Rameriz Story

As early as 1999 in our Seediest Kids of All series, The Blower was telling you about Juanito Rameriz, a lonely little 9-year-old Latino lad who lived in squalor with his family in one of WESTCO’s dilapidated buildings in Lower Price Hill, and how he dreamed of one day meeting his hero Anthony Munoz. Juanito’s father Manuel labored on a P&G construction site. Juanito’s mother Maria worked as a maid in a Sharonville motel. Juanito’s sisters Carmalita, 12, and Conchita, 13, slaved long hours sorting lettuce for Senor Bob Castellini’s fancy Hyde Park soirees. But no matter how hard they all worked, they could never share The American Dream; because they were all illegal aliens, and they couldn’t keep up their extortion payments to the “coyotes” at the Illegal Aliens Association who gouged them for $2,000-per-peon smuggling fees, plus extra for living accommodations, plus more for forged Federal documents, and still more for job placements with local companies.

So the Seediest Kids of All sent the entire Rameriz family to see the caring folks at the Lower Price Hill Hispanic Outreach Center. You should’ve seen little Juanito smile when he heard he was going to meet his idol Anthony Munoz. Juanito’s mother Maria wept with joy when she heard Anthony Munoz would be giving them free furniture from Furniture Fair. But instead, they were taken to INS and immediately deported, so they could enjoy Christmas at home in Mexico where they really belonged. The entire Rameriz family was grateful to the Seediest Kids of All, but was really you they have to thank, because it’s your guilt throughout the year which made it all possible.

More Proud Sponsors and Avid Fans

Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our January fund-raising drive by Time Warner, whose Business Class Technicians are still looking for the cause of our Annual Birthday Surprise “Temporary Service Interruption” since Wednesday afternoon and they claim to be really, really sorry for the inconvenience.

POST-PARTY DEPRESSION HOT LINE

e-mail us something today to try to cheer us up

Some really depressing items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally really depressing subscribers.

Whistleblower Link of the Day

So God Made A Liberal…

Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.