Saturday, January 3, 2015

Our New Year’s Resolution Is To Be Less Sarcastic!

            Last week, The Blower published the New Year Year’s Resolutions for some of our local celebrities. They were the real local celebrity New Year’s Resolutions, because any other local celebrity New Year’s resolutions you might have seen published elsewhere were surely fake. Now we know 2015 has hardly begun, but let’s take a look to see how some our resolvers are doing anyway, just for fun.

• JOHN BOEHNER: Hasn’t yet been voted out by Republicans as Speaker of the House after a new poll from Pat Caddell’s organization Caddell Associates showed Republican voters nationwide overwhelmingly want their House representative to elect somebody other than Boehner.
• OBAMA: Trying not to get impeached during the next 748 days.
• DUMBED-DOWN, SELF-ABSORBED, MEDIA-INFLUENCED, CELEBRITY-OBSESSED, POLITICALLY-CORRECT, UNINFORMED, SHORT-ATTENTION-SPAN, FREE-STUFF GRABBING, LOW-INFORMATION OBAMA SUPPORTERS WHO PUT HIM IN THE WHITE HOUSE—TWICE: Not even worried about how much ObamaCare is going to cost them in 2015.
• DISHONEST DEMOCRATS: Still unable to find an alternative to Hillary in 2016.
• LIBERAL LIARS are worried tensions that have erupted between NYC Mayor de Blasio and the city’s police unions are casting a giant shadow over the mayor’s bid to bring the DemocRAT National Convention to Brooklyn.
• OHIO REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR KASICH-TAYLOR is trying to get his picture taken with Ohio State Football Coach Urban Meyer and the Buckeyes holding the College Football National Championship Trophy presented by Dr. Pepper after the College Football National Championship Game in Arlington, Texas on January 12.
• ROB “FIGHTING FOR FAGELLAS” PORTMAN: Can’t stop worrying about his opponent in the 2016 Republican Primary.
• DAVID A. PEPPER: As Ohio’s New DemocRAT Party Boss, he’s wondering how he’s going to teach all those Defeated DemocRATS how to win like he did.
• HURLEY THE HISTORIAN: Says on this date in 1995 the 104th Congress became the first held entirely under Republican control since the Eisenhower era. Thanks to Newt Gingrich and his “Contract with America,” the Republican Party won majority control of Congress for the first time in forty years. And with the RINOs we have running the party these days, we’re waiting to see if it’ll be at least another 40 years of Wandering in the Wilderness with the GOP taking control of both Houses of Congress next week.
• TRI-STATE VOTE FRAUDERS: Still have another 304 days to figure out ways to cheat at the 2015 Elections on November 3.
• CINCINNATI VICE MAYOR DAVID MANN has already agreed to return as Grand Marshal at the Backstabbers Day Parade on March 15, where he’ll again be leading Clowncilman Flynn Flam and the rest of the Stupid Streetcar Six along the route of the Trolley Folly.
• CLOWNCILGAY CHRIS SQUEALBACK wonders if he could officiate if two guys got married on top of a float, just like at last year’s Rose Bowl Parade.
• CINCINNATI DIMINUTIVE DEMOCRAT MAYOR JOHN CRANLEY is resolved to wear elevator shoes so he’ll look taller this year.
• AWARD-WINNING PHOTO ILLUSTRATOR ARTIS CONCEPTION still promises to make fun of local politicians, just like when he sent The Blower this picture of Judge Nadel when he decided NOT to drop the charges against Traci Hunter.

• HAMILTON COUNTY RINO PARTY BOSS ALEX T., MALL COP GOP has still determined to prove his innocence after being accused of hacking The Web Site on Christmas Eve.
• DEMO-LABOR PARTY BOSS TIM BURKA is still finding it hard to decide which resolution was more important last year—writing letters to The Fishwrap defending Ditzy DemocRAT Juvenile Court Judge Tracie Hunter trying to locate Republican Hamilton County Prosecutor “Jaywalking Joe” Deters’ missing change of address card.
• YOUR DISINGENUOUS DOUBLE-DIPPING DEMOCRAT AUDITOR is getting ready to explain to every outraged Hamilton Country resident exactly how his office came up with their Fair Property Values on his Triennial Update.
• CONGRESSMAN STEVE CHABOTHEAD blogged his predictions for 2015. His first fearless forecast was that the Bungals would win the Super Bowl. You can check out the rest of them here.
• DITZY DEMOCRAT HAMILTON COUNTY JUVENILE COURT JUDGE TRACIE HUNTER is resolved to do everything possible to stay out of jail. 
• IGNORANT AND APATHETIC HAMILTON COUNTY VOTERS: Probably still won’t be paying attention.
• CINCINNATI BUNGALS OWNER “MILLIONAIRE MIKE” BROWN says he’s still hoping it was worth paying Andy Dalton all those millions of dollars after Sunday’s “One-and-Done” Playoff Game in Indianapolis.
• REPUBLICANS FOR HIGHER TAXES: are sure there will be plenty of good increases to support in 2015.
• FECKLESS FISHWRAPPERS will be still doing their best to help the region go from bad to diverse, as long as they’re still in business.
• WHISTLEBLOWER GOSSIP COLUMNIST LINDA LIBEL says she will soon reveal the name of her next “Political Philanderer.”
• CINCINNATI BEARCATS FOOTBALL COACH TOMMY TUBERVILLE: is still resolved to accept all of his $2.2 million salary in 2015, even though the Bearcats embarrassed themselves in 2014 once again during post-season, this time at the Military Bowl in Annapolis.
• FORMER $TATE REP-TILE-FOR-$ALE PETER $TAUTBERG: says he’s resolved to get himself measured for some robes for that judgeship Larcenous Lobbyist Chippy Gerhardt promised him after the Republican Caucus spent all that money and still failed in their attempts to save his job in last year’s Republican Primary Election.
• “TAXKILLER TOM” BRINKMAN wonders if he’ll ever use his old campaign website again.
• COAST’S LITIGIOUS LAWYER CHRIS FINNEY is still resolved in 2015 to have to a Christmas Party where any political wannabee could get in for free, but would still had to pay for his own food and drinks.
• “MEAN JEAN” SCHMIDT is looking for a huge groundswell of support when she unrolls her political comeback campaign in 2015 and assigns all of her students at Chatfield College (wherever the hell that is) to work on her campaign. 
• CITIZENS FOR COMMUNITY VALUES PRESIDENT PHIL BURR-ASS is totally resolved to keep the homo fires burning in 2015.
• FORREST GUMP SCHOOL SUPERINTENDENT “SMILING DALLAS” JACKSON says “Now I can do whatever I want with all of that $103 million Tax Hike money that will really cost dumbed-down voters $170 million.”
• ANDERSON TOWNSHIP TRUSTEE JOSH GERTH AND ANDERSON TEA PARTY GUY ANDY PAPPAS, are still hoping voters will forgive them for selling them out on the School Tax Hike Scam when they save overtaxed payers all that money by closing down the Anderson Community Cable Station.
• TEA PARTY PATRIOTS: Are hoping once again to become “relevant” in 2015, since they were totally absorbed by the Republican Party in 2014.
• BLUEGRASS BUREAU CHIEF KEN CAMBOO knows he needs to work harder to find a few more good NoKY snitches.
• U.S. SENATOR RAND PAUL isn’t let a moment pass without starting more rumors about his 2016 Presidential Campaign.
• CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN KENTUCKY CONGRESSMAN THOMAS MASSIE is resolved to endorse the Bluegrass Gubernatorial Ticket of Current Agriculture Commissioner James Comer and Taylor Mill State Senator from Chris McDaniel, while at the same time, not promising to vote for Boehner for speaker.
• DEFEATED DITZY DEMOCRAT BLUEGRASS SENATE CANDIDATE ALISON WONDERGAMS GRIMES says next time she’s won’t be ashamed to admit she voted for Obama, if the Louisville Courier-Journal editorial board asks her.
• NoKY DEMOCRAT DOMINATRIX KATHY GROOB says she really sorry she called Bitch McConnell’s wife a “chink.”
• KENTON COUNTY COMMONWEALTH ATTORNEY E ROB SANDERS: we can always count on his weekly This Week In Kenton Circuit Court newsletter to be full of felons’ ugly mug shots in 2015. 

• THAT CABAL OF NOKY ATTORNEYS OUT TO DESTROY ERIC “CALL ME CRAZY” DETERS (INCLUDING THE LISA WELLS WLW FAN CLUB) resolves not to forget tokeep sending all that good stuff every time Crazy Eric steps in it.
• MICHAEL LIQUID PLUMMER AND NATHAN “CORNBREAD” SMITH failed tolearn how to pronounce “inebriated” at the Whistleblower’s New Year’s Eve Party.
• HORNY IN HEBRON says we should check out the Facebooks for some of those Wilder Women.
• MISS VICKI says she hasn’t forgotten to call Beloved Whistblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about getting together “after the holidays.”
• OUR GOOD FRIEND BOBBY LEACH says, “So much for my New Year’s Resolutions.” But you couldn’t break ‘em, if you didn’t make ‘em.”
• QUOTE FOR THE DAY COMMITTEE chose Dave Beard’s “Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve stuck with it ever since.”
• WHISTLEBLOWER SNITCHES say as soon as we hear some bad about somebody, we’ll e-mail it to The Blower immediately!
• BELOVED WHISTLEBLOWER PUBLISHER CHARLES FOSTER KANE says there’s little chance he’ll ever forget the “Whistleblower Motto.”
• FINALLY, WHISTLEBLOWER INTERNS are so far keeping KANE’S Surprise Birthday Party next week a secret, because they know he never looks at the Countdown Calendar on the lower right hand corner of the web page.  

Seediest Kids of All

The Mikey Brown Story

          Today’s Seediest Kid of All is Poor Little Mikey Brown, a portly pantload from Indian Hill, who wanted to win the Punt, Pass, and Kick Competition to please his dad, who was a real football fanatic. Poor Little Mikey dreamed of standing at mid-field during halftime, where a stadium full of fans would cheer him, and everybody else at home would see him on TV.

So the Seediest Kids of All sent over some professional football coaches, who taught him everything they knew.

Unfortunately, at the Punt, Pass, and Kick Competition, Poor Little Mikey’s punt went a total of six yards, he fumbled the ball attempting to pass, and he tripped over the tee when he tried to kick the ball. On second thought, maybe we shouldn’t have sent over the Bungals coaching staff. At least he didn’t embarrass himself in front of a stadium full of people, since the stands were empty, and since it was a Bungals home playoff game, nobody saw it at home because as usual, because the game was blacked out on TV.

The Brown family called to express their gratitude to for all our help, but it’s really you they have to thank, because it’s your guilt and over-taxed payer dollars throughout the year which make it all possible.

MORE CONSERVATIVE POLITICAL CARTOONS

 POST HOLIDAY DEPRESSIONS HOT LINE

e-mail us something today if you still give a crap 

Some really sad items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally really sad subscribers. 

Whistleblower Video of the Day

Barack Obama 2014 State of the Union Address

Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

Persons of Consequence can now follow the on-going antics of the –dare we say, “mythical?”– cast of characters from The Blower’s archived columns. These articles will be Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as this brand new columnist who shares his acute and oh-so-accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.

“So Now You Know” by James Jay Schifrin

At last, we now know where we stand. The tension and uncertainty have passed.

For weeks, the public has been gripped by the agony of not knowing. Finally, we can all breathe a sigh of relief.

Americans have always been optimistic. Crisis has always brought us closer together, to foster a feeling of solidarity. Now everywhere you go, you can’t help notice our pride.

Until now, the speculation has been endless. Study groups have been appointed. Think tanks and computers have advised us about the probabilities and our strategic options.

We’ve seen high-level press conferencced and briefings, commentary, updates, and special reportsm along with analysis by anchorpersons, informed opinions from insider sources, and film to document the hostilities direct from the scenes.

We’ve been bombarded by headlines from far-off places, names of which most of us will never be able to spell or pronounce, let alone ever visit. Peopl whose destinies are no longer in their own hands have become as familiar as members of our own families.

The outcome of these world-shaking events is still anybody’s guess, but in these troubled times, we can at least be consoled that we now have a better idea of what we’re up against.

All of the “wild card” teams have been selected, and the Bengals will enjoy the “home field advantage” as long as they’re in the playoffs.

This op-ed column first appeared in the Mt. Washington Press on December 23, 1981.

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