Thursday, January 1, 2015

Bowling in the New Year

• It wasn’t even 8AM this morning before either of today’s College Football Playoff Semifinal Bowl Game had been played and the talking heads on Sports Center were already arguing about which college football team should be ranked number one in next year’s pre-season polls. No kidding. And you thought all that presidential campaign hype went on too long.  Speaking of which, Hawkeye Bureau Chief Jan Michelson says he can hardly wait until the Iowa Presidential Straw Poll on August 8 kicks off the 2016 Presidential Contest with some real votes, instead of all those bogus poll numbers.

The rest of us will have to continue our countdown of the 749 Days of Dishonesty and Division for America remaining during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless the First Black President in History is impeached.

• Still on his over-taxed payer funded $286,000-per-day Hawaiian Holiday, Obama, who just suffering the worst year of his presidency, claims America has become “Less Racially Divided” than before he took office as racially-motivated executions of two New York City police officers, race riots from Ferguson to Oakland, and police departments continue to be under constant threat from anti-cop punks.
• Today’s “Liberals Tell the Stupidest Lies” Award goes to Obama, who feigned Ignorance about forcing soldiers’ wedding to move so he could golf. “I feel terrible. Nobody told us,” Obama told newlyweds, Army captains Natalie Heimel and Edward Mallue Jr., who were forced to relocate their nuptials at the Kaneohe Klipper Golf Course, located on Marine Corps Base Hawaii. Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose Mickey Mantle’s “The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.”
• So how bad do things really look for the Worst President in History? Doofus DemocRATS even e-mailed Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Kane a “thank you” (supposedly signed) by Obama that said:

Charles —

Tomorrow’s a new year, a time to take a deep breath and reflect.

So let me ask: What inspires you to keep fighting for change with OFA?

Each one of the millions of people who are part of this movement has a different answer to that question — but we​ accomplished big things because we came together to fight for ​them.​ That’s as true next year as ever.

The Congress that starts its work next week has an agenda. While I look forward to working toward solutions wherever I can, I know that for some, they see this as an opportunity to start to roll back the progress we’ve made.

There are fights we know are ahead of us, and some we can’t predict.

That’s why organizing is so important — by building this movement at the grassroots level, we’re prepared for whatever comes our way.

So if you know what you’re willing to fight for, tell OFA:

http://my.barackobama.com/Take-the-OFA-2015-Survey

Thank you,

Barack Obama

• BUT THINGS WILL REALLY GET MEAN IN 2015: Whistleblower Senior National Political Affairs Analyst Britt Humus says forget all that liberal hype about a comeback: 2014 was a stunningly bad year for Barack Obama, and 2015 could be even worse. Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen says 2014 turned out to be worse than Americans predicted at this time last year, and they’re slightly less optimistic about the year to come than they were back then. They’re more pessimistic about Foreign Affairs, Race Relations, and Amnesty, too. The Blower wonders why.

And before the new Congress is sworn in, The Blower should once again remind people that it’s time for the 28th Amendment. TEA Party Patriots, you now have something to work on: 

“Congress shall make no law that applies to the citizens of the United States that does not apply equally to the Senators or Representatives and Congress shall make no law that applies to the Senators or Representatives that does not apply equally to the citizens of the United States.”

• HURLEY THE HISORIAN says on this date in 1863, Republican President Abraham Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation calling on the Union army to liberate all slaves in states still in rebellion as “an act of justice,” and despite fighting it tooth and nail from Day One, Dishonest DemocRATS have been taking credit for it ever since.

Today’s Really Big News Story

 Every news outlet in town has been trying to outdo each other on a fitting tribute for Judge Nick Nadel’s retirement after what only seems like 400 years as a Hamilton County Judge, but only The Whistleblower had exclusive coverage of Judge Nadel’s Going Away Party last night. Thankfully, Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception captured some of the excitement at Nadel’s jam-packed testimonial dinner Wednesday night.

Another Empathy Statement

           As the Old Year comes to an end, The Blower would like to cease and desist from our customary daily political bashing to offer our empathy for all those affected by misfortunes and disasters during the past year. To be hit so hard by circumstances beyond your control is often too much for many people to bear. Who’ll ever forget the wretched sobs of those poor souls bemoaning the loss of their Health Insurance because of ObamaCare? But enough about all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put Him In The White House—Twice, already!

Our First Prediction for 2015

• Tired of reading what to expect for the New Year?
• Unimpressed by crystal-ball forecasts and psychic predictions
• Couldn’t care less about whose ugly baby was born first?
• Bored by lame lists of “who’s in” and “who’s out?”
• Turned off by self-righteous editorials dictating resolutions for everyone else to keep?
• Repulsed by repetitious recaps of celebrities who died last year and fresh faces for the year ahead?
• Unable to invest in all those sure-fire year-end stock market tips? 
• Sick of suggestions by the same pretentious Tri-staters on how to handle the same issues and challenges in 2015 that they screwed up in 2014?
• In short, are you over-dosed on all that silly end-of-the-year media hype that serves no purpose except to take up space?

 You are? What a freaking coincidence! We asked the Magic Eight Ball, and it predicted you’d say “Yes.”

• OHIO FIRST DISTRICT CONGRESSMAN STEVE CHABOTHEAD borrowed a page from The Blower and published his own “Predictions for 2015.”

Don’t give up the day job, Steve!

 

A New Year’s Poem from Bunky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves

Ode to the New Year
Oh, the New Year’s a’comin’,
It don’t look so hot.
Yes, the New Year’s a’comin’.
Unfortunately I’m not.

More Proud Sponsors and Avid Fans

Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our January fund-raising drive by the Dump Boehner Committee (or as Real Republicans would say—“Flush the John”, hoping So- Called Conservatives in the House like Congressmen Steve Chabothead and “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup demonstrate why we sent them to Congress in the first place.  

Happy New Year!
2015 Conservative New Year’s Resolutions:          Dump Boehner, Stop Obama!

MORE FAKE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS HOT LINE

e-mail your satirical suggestions today.

 

Some fake New Year’s Resolution items in today’s Blower were sent in by our fake New Year’s Resolution-making subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more. 

Whistleblower Video of the Day

Afterburner w/Bill Whittle — Showtime: Evil or Stupid?

Note: We guarantee cell phone subscribers who don’t go home and see our links and pictures on their wide-screen monitors are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here