Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Here’s One Prediction We Forgot to Make

            At Yesterday’s Meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about all those Whistleblower Predictions That Came True in 2014. “It was a pretty good year,” Kane explained. “We got 1,432 correct predictions out of the 1,433 we made. Unfortunately, the one we missed was a real humdinger. Nobody predicted the Christmas Eve hack attack that destroyed our custom-designed Whistleblower Newswire web site.

“Those Liberal Bastards have been trying to destroy The Blower ever since we published Edition #1 on May 29, 1990, but we keep coming back.” Kane explained.

Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose, “Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome,” the battle cry which has become an adopted mantra in many units of the Marine Corps.

“We’ll sport the latest Liberal attack as another a badge of honor,” Kane added. “After all, they wouldn’t bother if they weren’t upset about the way we exercise our Free Speech. Plus, only significant web sites are hacked.”

Bluegrass Bacchanalia

      Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says “Intolerant liberals” will be getting a surprise message when that famous ball drops on New Year’s Eve in New York City’s Times Square, because, as WND reports, a message will be there to remind “our intolerant liberal friends” about the U.S. Constitution’s First Amendment. In addition, the Cross of Christ will be prominently displayed. The 15-second ad states, “To all our intolerant liberal friends: Thank God for freedom. Brought to you by AnswersInGenesis.org and the First Amendment.” [You can see a video HERE]

Meanwhile, closer to home, the CamBoozler remembers three things that were really difficult for Michael “Liquid” Plummer to say last year after he’d had too much to drink at Miss Vicki’s New Year’s Eve party: “Indubitably,” “Preliminary,” and “Nuclear Proliferation.”

A little later, CamBoo found out three more things that are very difficult to say when you’ve had too much to drink: “Specificity,” “Transubstantiate,” and of course, “Antidisestablishmentarianism.”

And by the end of the evening, CamBoozler discovered three things that are downright impossible to say when you’re drunk: “Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex”; “Nope, no more booze for me”; and “Oh, no, I just couldn’t. No one really wants to hear me sing.”

Whistleblower Web Poll

Today, here’s how the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said they’d like to celebrate New Year’s Eve tonight:
(A) Drinking crappy champagne: 2%
(B) Breaking New Year’s resolutions: 1%
(C) Watching the ball drop on TV: 3%
(D) Having hot sex: 94%

Playtime for Philanderers

            This week, everybody who chose “Option (D)” on this week’s Web Poll above e-mailed entries to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.

The winner is our Foreclosed Four-Flushing Philanderer, who says there’s nothing special about New Year’s Eve; it’s is just another opportunity to hit on other guys’ wives.

Our Foreclosed Four-Flusher wins a list of 1,000 married women who like to boink, a list of 1,001 excuses for when he comes home late, a two-hour matinee in the Airport Holiday Inn’s “Cheat Suite” and once again, his name in The Whistleblower. His winning entry is:

This year my New Year’s celebration,
Could be marred by a big complication.
If I start in too early,
With a married lady named Shirley,
The result could be premature ejaculation.       

Now Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception shows us a picture of some of the Usual Suspects who wish they could crash tonight’s invitation-only Whistleblower New Year’s Eve Party.

Can you identify who these people are?

Whistleblower Video of the Day: “New Year’s Wishes”