Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers

Isn’t it awful the way some politicians always exploit Mother’s Day as just another way to try to raise money? —Ohio Governor Kasich-Taylor, Ohio U.S. Senator Rob “Fighting for Families” Portman, Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWhine, DemocRAT U.S. Senate Candidate Alison Wondergams Grimes, and Barack Obama
There are still a few Republicans in Ohio who haven’t sent in their donations to honor the Governor’s Birthday Card. —Ohio RINO Party Boss Matt Borges
But why did Portman use such an old family picture when his children were so young and back when he claimed he was a “Commonsense Conservative” in his e-mail yesterday? —Bewildered Constituents
Dear Son, I am so glad you are well, now that you have come out of the closet. While I won’t have any grandchildren from you, it is nice to know you and your partner can help with my decorating, whether I want it or not. One thing, I hope you don’t mind, but we had to take our family picture this last week and we are sorry you didn’t received the notice. I just made it to the post office yesterday. Best wishes, Mom. —The Senator’s Wife
Dear son, I am so glad to hear that you are getting free needles for your heroin addiction. It’s nice to know that your illegal drug use is receiving some support from the state! —A Liberal UC Professor
We’re glad we were open on Mother’s Day so senior Moms could lose their Social Security Checks playing video slots at our new racino in Anderson. —Belterra Bankrollers
On this date in 2003, the Treasury Department introduced its new “colorized” $20 bill, and today during the Obama Recession, it’s still worth about eighteen cents. Not only that, the price of gas is still nearly $4-per-gallon, the real unemployment rate is 22.3%, and Obama’s US Debt Clock is at $17.5 trillion and just keeps on spinning. —Hurley the Historian
That’s why wechose President Ronald Reagan’s “Republicans believe every day is the Fourth of July, but the democrats believe every day is April 15.” —Your Quote for Today Committee
Would you please ask Hamilton County RINO Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP to remove our names from his sleazy fund-raising dinner on Friday? —Lincoln and Reagan
Do you think Alex T. would allow me to speak if I showed up at his room full of RINOs? —“TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman
Do you think Disgraced Former Pants-Dropper-in-Chief Bill Clinton will finally be apologizing for the Monica Lewinsky Scandal after all these years because it’s a liability if Hillary decides to run for president in 2016? —Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception
We hope nobody reads today’s Republicans for Higher Taxes article cataloging the declarations we made throughout the year that Jonathan Dever had no chance to win and how our Ricky Baby had it in the bag.” —Dejected supporters of Tax Hikin’ Rick Bryan
It is so unfair that COAST used actual examples from Rick Bryan’s tax-and-spend record in their last-minute mail piece that helped sink Rick’s campaign.” —Chairman Alex TryinToFoolYou, the Dinsmore Whore
After the unexpected victories of Tom Brinkman and Jonathan Dever, does anyone still think we’re irrelevant, or just a bunch of political parasites?” —Family Friendly Fascist Chris Finney and COAST
With my endorsements for Ricky Bryan and Mary Jo Kubicki blowing up in my face, do you think it’s time for me to get back to worrying about my own race? —Ohio Auditor Dave Yost
With only seven more days until the Bluegrass Primary Elections on May 20, should we be following The Blower’s lead and actually begin reporting on some of the races? —Feckless Fishwrappers
The Fishwrap endorsed me for Kenton County Judge Executive because of the way incumbent Steve Arlinghaus acted during the CVG Scandal. —Kris Knochelmann
The Fishwrap endorsed me for Campbell County Judge Executive because I’ve had the office for fifteen years. —Steve Spendery
Most people think The Fishwrap endorsed me for Boondoggle County Judge Executive since I shaved off my beard, but maybe it’s because I’ve been running unopposed since my so-called opponent hasn’t even started campaigning. —Gary Moore
You know it must be getting close to Primary Elections in Northern Kentucky, when Loony Libertarian Jim Berns comes over from Ohio to wave signs for me. —Matt Bevin

In Independence, where incest is best, Mother’s Day is always a family affair, because it’s also “Cousins Day” in Kentucky. —Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo
Everybody in MILF-ord was waiting for The Blower to include me in Monday’s MILF Day E-dition this year. —MILF-ord Mayor Laurie Howland
Did I forget to put out a special Mother’s Day edition of my titillating e-newsletter this week? —Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders
We told you we could drink your mother under the table. —Michael Liquid Plummer and His Designated Driver, Nathan “Cornbread” Smith
Did you see that Mother’s Day card I sent to all those Mothers on the Bluegrass Bar Association? —Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters
The law says you can’t discriminate against a mother, even if she’s a lesbian. —Covington Commissioners
On Mother’s Day, single mothers with big breasts always drink free. —Mainstrasse Pub
In southern Boone County, they even have Mother’s Day cards for barnyard animals. — Gex “Rhymes with Sex” Williams
My mother needed more protection, so I went out and bought my pistol-packing mama another Glock, along with a concealed carry permit. —Bluegrass Rifle Association spokesman Billy Bob Carbine
Wherever I went on Mother’s Day, everybody asked me what a MILF was. —Bobby Leach
Sometimes we call it MILF Madness. —Boys with Boners
Bill Fesh says he was sexually harassed by a MILF. —Whistleblower Gossip Columnist Linda Libel
A MILF is a terrible thing to waste. —Horny in Hebron
When does The Blower’s Official MILF List come out? I want to be on it. —Lisa Wells, WLW Radio
Can Cougars be MILFs too? —Uptight Bitches in Fort Mitchell hoping for real orgasms
Why don’t you just give your readers our definition. —Wikipedia
This year’s Mother’s Day buffet at the Golden Corral was better than ever. —Scott “Pass the Biscuits” Kimmich and Clueless Marc Wilson (No longer one of The Blower’s Faux Facebook “Friends”)
Last weekend we showed “MILFs from Outer Space.” —Flashlight Theater
Don’t forget, Opening Day for my Y’All Ville baseball team is coming up pretty soon. —Mayor Blondie Whalen
Hey, Everybody… Trish the Dish still wants to know when Unwed Teenage Mother’s Day is. —TV 19 News
Sheree Paolello says TV 5 plans to do a story on that very subject. —Jack Atherton (Still at Channel 22.45 in Dayton in case you missed me)

Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Boondoggle County Joke Judge Executive Candidate Matt Dedden.

—Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer —

Sometimes The Blower makes fun of Kneepad Liberals in the Press to show that “whining about having enough gay players in the NFL” is not acceptable in our society. This should be clear to anybody who isn’t a Sodomy Rites Activist.

This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental, especially NBC’s Matt Lauer and Bob Costas.

GAYS IN SPORTS HOTLINE

e-mail your sports of all sorts today.

Some really gay items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally really gay subscribers.

WHISTLEBLOWER VIDEO OF THE DAY

Judge Jeanine: What Are Democrats Afraid Of?

(Sent in by Whistleblower Faux Facebook Friend Kenton Co unty Circuit Clerk John Middleton [1,301 Friends, 41 Mutual], who endorses Knochelmann for Kenton County Judge Executive?)

Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

Whistleblower Newswire

Some of the News They Seem to Lose

Daily Archives: May 13, 2014

Official “Gay NFL Draft” E-dition