Friday, April 18, 2014
Tuesday is Political Liars Day
With our Feckless Fishwrappers continuing to ignore all those lies being told during the 2014 Primary Campaigns (May 6 in Ohio and May 20 in Kentucky), every politician in America must be watching the Countdown Clock on the Whistleblower-Newswire Web Page clicking off the Days, Hours, Minutes, and Seconds until 10 AM next Tuesday on Political Liars Day. Because that’s when the Supreme Court of these United States will be hearing from the most qualified attorney in history argue for the right of politicians to tell lies during political campaigns.
According to Roll Call, the court’s recent decisions easing the flow of generous campaign contributions have already shifted the electoral landscape. If the court finds that even the most patently outrageous statements about candidates may not be barred by law, those two decisions combined could expand the rhetorical battlefield of the midterm elections and raise the attack ad volume as never before.
Now Let’s Meet Today’s Guest Editor:
Why, it’s none other than COAST’S co-founder, Litigious Lawyer Chris Finney (shown ogling a mannequin), who’ll be arguing for the right of all politicians to tell as many lies as they want during political campaigns before the Supreme Court next Tuesday. Does that mean anti-tax organization COAST’s Avaricious Attorney fully supports the RINOs in Columbus spending all that money to tell all those lies about Finney’s friend, “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman, COAST’s other co-founder?
As one of the Whistleblower Legal Dream Team Members pointed out: Finney will no doubt argue that it’s not just a politician’s right to lie, it’s his duty.
How dare Ohio RINO Party Boss Matt Borges spend all that money to lie about Brinkman instead of using it to defeat Disingenuous DemocRATS. That’s our job.
Even more curious for Blower readers to consider is that some people remember when the very same Chris Finney used the Ohio Elections Commissioner process about lying during political campaigns against “Mean Jean” Schmidt.
That’s why The Blower, which takes pride in supporting lying politicians (because without them we might have nothing to write about) selected Christopher P. Finney, Esquire to be this week’s guest editor and choose three items plus a Quickie for today’s E-dition from our Current Cadre of Conservative Columnists and Contributors, and our Quote for Today Committee chose H.L. Mencken’s “Looking for an honest politician is like looking for an ethical burglar.”
- “PATRIOTS’ DAY LAMENT” by Whistleblower War Hero Ollie Hackworth
Remember when the Public and Media idolized and memorialized Whitney Houston, yet looked the other way, ignoring her well-known substance abuse and tumultuous life with singer Bobby Brown? Charlie Sheen was 45 and his story is all over the news because he was a substance abuser, an adulterer, sexually promiscuous and obnoxious. Lindsay Lohan was 24 and her story was all over the news because she was a celebrity drug addict and thief. The same can be said about drug addict Philip Seymour Hoffman who died with a needle stuck in his arm.
Meanwhile, Justin Allen, 23; Brett Linley, 29; Matthew Weikert, 29; Justus Bartett, 27; Dave Santos, 21; Jesse Reed, 26; Matthew Johnson, 21; Zachary Fisher, 24; Brandon King, 23; Christopher Goeke, 23; and Sheldon Tate 27 are all Marines who gave their lives last month for you.
There was no media for them; not even a mention of their names. They were young men who most likely came from rural America seeking a chance to better themselves and to serve this country. Rest In Peace, and THANK YOU, TROOPS.
You can honor THEM on Patriots” Day by sending this on.
- “TEACHING MATH” by Whistleblower Education Editor Rod Sparechild
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
Teaching Math In 1950s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1980s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990s: A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s OK.)
Teaching Math In 2009: Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
Teaching Math In 2014: Who cares, just steal the lumber from your rich neighbor’s property. He won’t have a gun to stop you, and the President says it’s OK anyway cuz it’s redistributing the wealth.
- “MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE” by Ben Bliss
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress-$5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Finally, you can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
NICKNAMES: If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators…YEP!!!
MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it, and to the men who will enjoy reading it
- AND A QUICKIE by Scott Scofflaw
I just received an audit on my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS. They are questioning how many dependents I claimed when I responded to the question: “List all dependents?”
I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate.” Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I keep asking myself, “Who the hell did I miss?”
These items are perfect to forward to all of your Internet Buddies and Facebook Friends with too much time on their hands.
Stories We’re Working On
-
Most Americans Believe Obama Lies on Big Issues - Clinton Fundraiser Pleads Guilty
- Congressional Candidate Shoots Down “Government Drone”
- Obama Refuses To Back Biden For President While Standing Next To Him
- Mahogany’s Paid $20,000 Part Of Their Debt With A Check From The Police Credit Union
- Fired AD gets 10 years for Stealing $311K From NKU
- Good Friday wasn’t so great for Jesus
Whistleblower Web Poll
This week, here’s how the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said most politicians in Kentucky planned to spend Earth Day next Tuesday:
(A) Telling people how much they care about the environment: 2%
(B) Wearing something green: 1%
(C) Thanking Goof Doofus for retiring: 1%
(D) Slinging mud: 96%
Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!
Weekly Whistleblower Limerick Contest
Taxes: The Gift You Keep on Giving
This week, everybody who thinks Congressmen would quickly simplify the tax code if their elections were held on Tax Day, e-mailed his entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest. The winner is noted CPA Irving Foongman, the constipated public accountant from Florence who always gets so backed up this time of year, he has to work it out with a pencil. Irv’s entry was a little late, which was OK, since he attached an automatic extension form.
Irv wins a handy list of tax-cheating tips, a “THE+IRS Spells THEIRS” T-shirt, a stack of extension forms for clients who haven’t yet begun looking for their W-2s, and a big bottle of Jack Daniels for when he finally remembers he hasn’t done his own taxes. His winning limerick is:
The best part about Tax Freedom Day
Is that finally, I get a say
About where all the money
That I earned for my Honey
Is going to be spent today
The Best Part about Tax Freedom Day”
If you really do want to play
You can look for nice buns
And with your refund
You will pay for a very nice lay
The Best Part About Tax Freedom Day:
It came before the year’s half-way.
But since Obama’s in hock to the Chinese
It’s our balls that will get the squeeze,
As our “full faith and credit” is in rapid decay.
Here’s a rejected e-filing from “In Russ We Trust” Jackson
The Best Part about Tax Freedom Day
Is that Uncle Sam releases your pay.
But don’t get too comfy with your dollars and cents
‘Cause Big Brother’s fiscal appetite is immense:
With more line items than stars in the Milky Way.
The best part about Tax Freedom Day
Is it’s the last day that we have to pay,
For handouts and welfare,
And bridges to nowhere,
But under Clinton— it came in May.
The best part about Tax Freedom Day,
No more money this year pissed away,
Change the date for election,
April 15 is our selection,
And just maybe keep politicians at bay.
These are some disallowed deductions from Bobby Leach
The best part about Tax Freedom Day
You can now keep all of your pay!
Oh well, maybe not “all,”
The F-ing Auditor might call,
And take the rest of it away.
The best part about Tax Freedom Day
Is you get to keep some of your pay.
But if a DemocRAT gets elected
It’ll be worse than expected
They’ll take ALL of your money away.
E Rob Sanders denies he sent this these tax avoidance tips
The best part about Tax Freedom Day
The Gov can’t take more money away
Or so you would hope,
But only a dope
Would believe they won’t find a way.
Every time you fill up your tank
Or earn interest on what’s in the bank
You’ll owe them more tax,
And that’s just the facts
Just send them a check that is blank.
Even Tax Freedom Day’s not the end
You’ll pay taxes every damned time you spend
But look at the bright side
We have Obama as our guide!
He’s got plenty of moolah to lend.
Oh, thank God for the change he has brough
And all the lessons he has taught
But he wouldn’t give you a dime
Or even tell you the time
And as Samuel Morse would say, “What hath Obama wrought?”
But you know, taxes are part of our life
They needn’t cause us so much strife
Just quit your job and wait
You’ll get food stamps and Section 8
I wish we’d elected Barney Fife.
But enough about Barack for now
Bless his heart, he’s trying to show us how
Sadly, though, he’s a Commie,
With a Kenyan dad and Hawaiian mommy
Folks, you better keep an eye on the Dow.
Always remember we need to pay taxes
They helped us in the 40s to beat the Axis
But back then we were at war
Today, we’re governed by a whore
And people, you better keep watchin’ your backses.
I might suggest that BO stay in hidin’
If he is hurt, we will be stuck with Biden
I think I would rather
Be a hunter-gatherer
Than have to put up with those who are guidin’
But anyway, I admit I digress
Tax Freedom Day is the topic I guess,
I should lay off Obama
And maybe pick on the Dali Lama,
After this, I gotta go to the priest and confess.
In closing just let me say,
I’m sorry I got carried away
I will try not to cry
But I think I now know why
They took my poetic license away
And from the Anderson Laureate (who’s had his taxes done for free at H&R Wenstrup’s office at 7954 Beechmont Avenue, directly across the street from Anderson Tea Party Headquarters):
The best part about Tax Freedom Day
They’ve already taken all your money away
If you gave the government every cent
And kept nothing, not even for rent
By April 18th, that’s all you need to pay.
But they don’t take it all at one time
They take it at three cents for every dime
It comes out the whole damned year
Taxing everything, even your beer
Hey, I thought stealing was a crime!
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“Do the rich really want to pay more?”
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially, “Mean Jean” Schmidt, who was founf guilty of lying during her political campaign by the Ohio Elections Commission. Award Winning Photo Illustration Artis Conception shows us “The Lyin’ Queen.”
POLITICAL LIARS HOT LINE
E-mail your litany of lies today
Some untruthful items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally untruthful subscribers.
WHISTLEBLOWER LIARS LINK OF THE DAY
OBAMA’S LIES (Give or take a Lie or Two)
(Sent in by Whistleblower Faux Facebook Friend Dave Hatter [4,999 Friends, 88 Mutual], who has still not recovered from Bob Dole’s loss to Bill Clinton in 1996.)
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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