Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Bowling in the New Year
It wasn’t even 8AM this morning before a single New Year’s Day bowl game had been played and the talking heads on Sports Center were already arguing about which college football team should be ranked number one in next year’s pre-season polls. No kidding. And you thought all that presidential campaign hype went on too long. Speaking of which, Hawkeye Bureau Chief Jan Michelson says he can hardly wait until the Iowa Caucuses kick off the 2016 Presidential Contest with some real votes, instead of all those bogus poll numbers. The 2014 Presidential Elections are only 308 days away, Ohio’s 2014 Primary Elections are a mere 126 days away (140 in Kentucky).
Still on his $286,000-per-day Hawaiian Holiday, Obama, who is still suffering the worst year of his presidency, says beginning today America will never be going back to a Health Care System that actually worked, And Obama is citing “doubling the number of dogs In the White House” as one of his accomplishments in 2013. No wonder Committed Conservatives are working to give Obama an even worse year in 2014.
Columnist Burt Prelutsky says, “Recently, a friend sent me a poll that indicated that when it came to Healthcare, Obama’s approval rating was 37%; the Economy (31%); Immigration (32%); Terrorism (51%); Foreign Policy (34%); and Overall Job Approval (41%). He concluded by saying that added up to six ‘F’s’ and wondered how the Left would spin those catastrophic numbers. No problem,’ I replied. They will merely say that when it comes to those all-important issues, 226% of the people are behind Obama!”
The Blower wonders how low Obama’s poll numbers would actually have to fall before all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama supporters would abandon him? It would probably be the same number it would take for pusillanimous Republicans in our Craven Congress to impeach him.
How bad do things really look for the Worst President in History? Doofus DemocRATS even e-mailed Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Kane a “thank you” (supposedly signed) by Obama that said:
Charles —
I want you to know something.
Seeing the work that you do gives me confidence that our best days are still ahead.
Real change happens when people like you take on the big fights and stay with them, no matter how hard it gets or who’s standing in your way.
Thank you for that.
Kane says “Thanks for the encouragement, Mr. President—as if we actually needed it.”
Your BFF, Barack
Kane says “Thanks for the encouragement, Mr. President—as if we actually needed it.”
- BUT THINGS WILL GET MEAN IN 2014: Whistleblower Senior National Political Affairs Analyst Britt Humus says forget all that liberal hype about a comeback: 2013 was a stunningly bad year for Barack Obama, and 2014 could be even worse. Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen says 2013 turned out to be worse than Americans predicted at this time last year, and they’re slightly less optimistic about the year to come than they were back then. They’re more pessimistic about their health care, too. The Blower wonders why.
Maybe The Blower should once again remind people that it’s time for the 28th Amendment. TEA Party Patriots, now you have something to work on:
“Congress shall make no law that applies to the citizens of the United States that does not apply equally to the Senators or Representatives and Congress shall make no law that applies to the Senators or Representatives that does not apply equally to the citizens of the United States.”
- HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1863, Republican President Abraham Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation calling on the Union army to liberate all slaves in states still in rebellion as “an act of justice,” and despite fighting it tooth and nail from Day One, Dishonest DemocRATS have been taking credit for it ever since.
- IN CINCINNATI, THE RACE IS ON: The really big story this morning is Determined DemocRAT Odd Todd Opportune’s decision to challenge Doomed DemocRAT Ed Fitzgerald in the DemocRAT Gubernatorial Primary on May 6 because “voters need a choice.” Award-Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception shows us our Hamilton County Commissioner getting set to be off and running, taking on the biggest political challenge of his life.
CROOKS IN KENWOOD: On November 17, 2012 The Blower reported Matthew Daniels, one of the developers of the rusting Kenwood Towne Place retail and office complex had been accused in a federal law suit on twenty-five charges of deceiving lenders and diverting money for the Kenwood project to other construction projects.
Federal prosecutors said Daniels also used some of the money for his own “personal enrichment.” Imagine that.
Daniels had allegedly misappropriated over $25 million from the Bank of America. Knowing this, the Bank continued to provide Daniels with even more money. During the summer of 2012, the firm Phillips Edison negotiated with the Bank of America to purchase the complex.
Two weeks ago, Daniels was found not guilty. And as any fair-minded individual, yes including even FCPS graduates, can see, The Blower reported only facts as announced by the Federal Prosecutors, and unlike those in the kneepad liberal press, did not pile on with wild accusations or libelous and unkind stories, and to protect those incompetents, The Blower will refrain from naming names. Such fair-and-balanced reporting is what the Constitution demands, and the unanimous verdict of the Federal Jury before the Honorable Masturbating Mike Barrett found that Matt Daniels was not guilty of every last one of those 25 charges, not even one of the lesser charges. So that’s good enough for The Blower, since a jury will usually convict a defendant of at least some lesser included charge just to get to go home, if for no other reason, and that goes double for the week before Christmas. And we can be totally sure that this was the correct determination because we all know Judge Mike would never tolerate any miscarriage of justice in his courtroom. And the very next day, Judge Mike headed for a Florida vacation for the rest of the year, but The Blower is not sure whose condo Judge Mike was staying in for free down there.
IT’S A NEW YEAR: But before midnight on New Year’s Eve, as crowds in Times Square were gathering to watch the ball drop, hordes hereabouts had also gathered in Anderson and Hyde Park to watch Outcast Attorney Chris Finney’s former law partners tear the Litigious COAST lawyer’s name off both buildings, especially the one in Hyde Park hidden under the Christmas wreath. At the Anderson Government Center, incoming Anderson Trustee Gerth Pappas made sure history had been rewritten so that there would never be any mention of Disgraced-and-Defeated Kevin P. O’Brien’s embarrassing term in office, due in no small part to his enablers at the Forest Hills Urinal. Kevin’s name on the glass entrance door is now gone. Ken Broo called the play-by-play— “It’s outta here, it’s waaay outta here!” Meanwhile, in Clermont County, the cronies were wondering if TEA Party guy Ted Stevenot would follow Odd Todd Opportune’s courageous example and challenge Ohio RINO Governor John Kasich in the upcoming 2014 Primary because “Voters deserve a choice.”
The Cronies were also waiting to see “Mean Jean” Schmidt roll out her return to politics she announced at her Christmas Party, and Ohio Senator Rob “Fighting for Fagellas” Portman sent out an end-of-the-year e-mail duplicated by one from his Finance Director Natalie Baur titled “Year in Review,” with one very glaring omission. Can you guess what Rob purposely left out—like the part about supporting same sex-marriage because of his gay son! Now THAT was an accomplishment.
And our Good Friend Bobby Leach says, “So much for my New Year’s Resolutions.” But you couldn’t break ‘em, if you didn’t make ‘em.
- IN KENTUCKY: Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says in 2014 while Republicans should have no problem keeping control of the House in 2014, Deluded DemocRATS still believe they can pick up some of the seats they lost in the 2010 wave elections and also in the Senate. Guess who’s number one on their list.
- FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about all those Whistleblower Predictions That Came True in 2013. “It was a pretty good year,” Kane explained. “We got 1,432 predictions right out of the 1,433 we made. Unfortunately, the one we missed was a real lulu. There was no way anyone could’ve ever predicted the untold treachery at Cincinnati City Hall when the Streetcar Six put that stupid Trolley Folly back on track.”
Also yesterday, Political Insiders were trying not to let the details slip about Charles Foster Kane’s surprise birthday party next Tuesday. Some people just don’t know how to keep a secret. Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose Ben Franklin’s “Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.”
MORE FAKE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS HOT LINE
e-mail your satirical suggestions today.
Some fake New Year’s Resolution items in today’s Blower were sent in by our fake New Year’s Resolution-making subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.
Links of the Day
Barack Obama Parody by Christopher B. Duncan
PLUS
New Year’s Wishes
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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