Tuesday, December 31, 2013

More Real Rhymes

For the past seven years, the Real E-Mails in Tuesday e-ditions of The Whistleblower-Newswire that fall between Christmas and New Year’s have always been made up of phrases that rhymed with that particular year.

The first year, The Blower had more “conflicts” in 2006, and some of the Real E-Mails included:

Those voters hit us with bricks in 2006. —BuckWheat Blackwell, Mike DeWhine, Schnozzy Heimlick, Little Lord John Joseph Cranley IV, and Safari Ken Lucas
We watched lots of porn flicks in 2006. — Phil Burr-ass and Si Leis
Higher property values I tried to fix in 2006. —Hamilton County’s Disingenuous Double-Dipping DemocRAT County Auditor
I made some really bad picks in 2006. —Temporary Hamilton County GOP Party Boss George Vincent
DUIs and successful campaigns didn’t mix in 2006. —Danny Zalla and Marcus Carey
You forgot to call us dicks in 2006. —Dick Muratroyd and Dick Roeding
And…We faked our amorous acrobatics in 2006. —Fort Mitchell MILFs

In 2007, our Second Annual Rhyme Time was not so sublime, because we could only find five words and phrases that rhymed with “Seven,” and our Real E-Mailers’ submissions all rhymed with the upcoming year:

We’ll swallow the bait in 2008. —Dumbed-down, self-absorbed, media-influenced, celebrity-obsessed politically correct voters
We’ll have a Blue Buckeye State in 2008. —Determined DemocRATS in Ohio
Will we still make you irate in 2008? —Devious DemocRAT Hamilton County Commissioners Odd Todd Opportune and David A. Pepper
Over-taxed payers will still pay the freight in 2008. —The Empty Uppity Oprah Winfrey Campaigning for Obama, Under-funded, Ugly-ass Unnagraown Rayroe Museum Freedom Center
My last name I’ll still hyphenate, every day till I’m elected in 2008. —Alecia Webb-Edgington
No plea deals will I adjudicate next year in 2008. —Judge Roy Bean Bartlett
And…I’ll turn boys into men on the very first date, that’s if I’m still free in 2008. —Jeni Lee Dinkel

In 2008, our Rancid Rhymes included:

We deserved our harsh fate in 2008. —Republicans in Name Only
We’ll have to keep up the birth rate in 2008. —Welfare Mamas
We’d still procreate in 2008. —Illegal Immigrants
More Section 8 in 2008. —Cincinnati Metropolitan Housing Authority
For the Banks you know you’ll still have to wait, so we kept building ours in 2008 —Northern Kentucky Developers
What happened to our clean slate in 2008? —Bluegrass Politicians
More felons we’d incarcerate this year in 2008. —Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E. Rob Sanders

In 2009, our Rhymes again were sublime, when they added rhymes for the word “Nine”:

We got our Blue Buckeye State in 2008, but we withered on the vine, in 2009. —Gayvenor Strickland and all those Dysfunctional DemocRATS in Columbus
Voters swallowed the bait in 2008, but I ran into a Tea Party Mine, in 2009. —Ohio’s First District Dumpy DemocRAT Congressman Steve Drinkhaus
We deserved our harsh fate in 2008, and we never found our spine, in 2009. —Hamilton County RINO Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP
Flim-flamming was great in 2008, but I refused to resign, in 2009. —Whacky Jacky O’Brien’s Illegitimate Son Kevin, the banned broker just elected under false pretenses
Across the river we’d proliferate in 2008, and we did just fine, in 2009. —Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo
We didn’t lose any weight in 2008, and we’re at the head of the chow line, in 2009. —Clueless Marc Wilson and Scott “Pass the Biscuits” Kimmich
Drinking beer we couldn’t abate in 2008, so we switched over to wine, in 2009. —Bill Liquid Plummer and Nathan “Cornbread” Smith

In 2010, we were at it again:

We watched Obama’s popularity decline, in 2009; and it dropped once again, in 2010. —Obama Supporters in the Press
The TEA Party was mine in 2009; but I got pillaged again in 2010. —The TEA Party Messiah who’s still hoping to rise from the dead
My Bungals could cross the goal line in 2009; but they folded once again in 2010. —“Millionaire Mike” Brown
Nothing fell in line, in 2009; and I embarrassed myself again in 2010. —That Corrupt Evicted Lying Plagiarizing Meddling Overblown Tax-and-Spend RINO Bitch-in-a-Ditch Mean Jean Schmidt
The Blower said I’d be first to cross the finish line back in 2009; and I proved them right once again in 2010. —Senator-elect Rand Paul
My frivolous lawsuits were by design, in 2009; and I got sanctioned again in 2010. — Eric “Call Me Crazy, Big Mouth, Most Sanctioned, Ambulance Chaser, No Count of a Radio Host, Shameless Self Promoter, Willie Wannabe, Why Haven’t I Been Disbarred, Who Likes Bulldogs and Failed Roadhouse Operator” Deters
Kane delivered many a great gag line, in 2009; and even played the drums now and then during 2010. —Flashlight Theatre

That brought us to 2011. We couldn’t find many words that rhymed with “Eleven?” There weren’t many like “Seven.” If you found any, it would’ve been like “Manna from Heaven” but only if your name was Kevin. Maybe we should’ve just tried it with the word “Year.”

So we sent out a message to all of our Real E-Mailers, telling them your mission, should you choose to accept it, would be to be to submit this year’s sublime rhyme that ends with the word “year,” something like “We had reason to cheer, at the beginning of this year,” “My critics did jeer, at the end of this year,” or “Your reputation we’d smear, all through this year.”

2012 was a better year for our rancid rhymes, but only after we figured out a way to find a way to make words rhyme with “Twelve.”

Voters said my time wasn’t through in the Year 2-0-1-2. —Obama
Because more free stuff was due in the Year 2-0-1-2. —Dumbed-down, Self-absorbed, Media-influenced, Celebrity-obsessed, Politically-correct, Uninformed, Short-attention-span Obama Supporters
Our Liberal Bias only grew in the Year 2-0-1-2. —Obama Supporters in the Press
Over the Fiscal Cliff we flew in the Year 2-0-1-2. —GOP House Speaker John Boehner
Once again, Ohio turned “Blue” in the Year 2-0-1-2. —Governor Kasich and the So-Called Ohio Republican Party
Our dreams of four year terms finally did come true in the Year 2-0-1-2. —Mark Mallory’s Extreme Liberal City Clown-cil

And this year we found a way to make words rhyme with “2013.”

With all my scandals I never came clean in the Year 2013. —Obama
Caving in to Dishonest DemocRATS became routine in the Year 2013. —GOP House Speaker John Boehner
Our campaign lies were barely unseen in the Year 2013. —Cincinnati Vice Mayor David Mann, along with Clowncil-men Kevin Flynn Flam and P.G. Sitt-n-Spin
My political career went in the latrine in the Year 2013. —Disgraced DemocRAT State Senator Eric Kearney
Was the Kentucky Bar Association just being mean in the Year 2013? —“Crazy Eric” Deters
We had to get mean in 2013. —Family Friendly Fascist Chris Finney’s Former Law Partners, who can hardly wait to take his name off both buildings first thing tomorrow and have been hiding it under a Christmas Wreath at the Hyde Park office during the meantime

Photo Shop Editorial Spoofer Edward Cropper shows “Republicans Regrouping for a Final Stand in 2014”

— Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer—

Sometimes The Blower makes fun of Rhyme Timers to show that overusing rhetorical flourishes will not be tolerated in our society. This should be clear to anybody who isn’t afflicted with Obsessive-compulsive Rhyming Disorder.

This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental — especially Whistleblower Limerick Contestants.

GOING FROM BAD TO DE-VERSE HOT LINE

e-mail your adverse alliterations today.

Some iambic pentameter items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally iambic pentameter Subscribers.

WHISTLEBLOWER LINK OF THE DAY

Judge Jeanine Pirro’s 2013 Highlights

Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

Whistleblower Newswire

Some of the News They Seem to Lose

Daily Archives: December 31, 2013

Special “Rhyme Time” E-dition