Saturday, December 21
Checking the O-Meter
According to Obama’s Orgasm Czar Cliticia von Climax, today is World Orgasm for Peace Day, and last night on Winter Solstice Eve, Obama even went on TV to announce that all his Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters who wanted an Orgasm, could keep it. So get on websites similar to cartoonporno.xxx (https://www.cartoonporno.xxx/) and have a good time. But also at last night’s “After Orgasm Party” at the Fort Mitchell Country Club, word came that although there was maximum participation across the nation, it was not an entirely pleasurable experience for everyone involved. For example…
- BARRACK OBAMA, who is still treating his bruises after Michelle beat the hell out of him for flirting with that blonde Danish pastry at the Mandela funeral, didn’t have an orgasm.
HARRY REID, who says he doesn’t plan to stop screwing Republicans until 2021, didn’t have an orgasm.- VULNERABLE DEMOCRATS IN 2014, who plan to run on ObamaCare, didn’t have an orgasm
- POLLSTERS, getting tired of announcing results every day showing Obama hit a new low, didn’t have an orgasm
- JOHN BOEHNER, who says he hopes he gets a chance to try a little make-up sex with his constituents, didn’t have an orgasm.
- OHIO DEMOCRAT GUBERNATORIAL CANDIDATE ED FITZGERALD, who says if you think the guy I chose to be my running mate was “unfit,” you should’ve seen some of my other choices, didn’t have an orgasm
- FORMER OHIO DEMOCRAT LIEUTENANT GUBERNATORIAL CANDIDATE ERIC KEARNEY, who says at least The Fishwrap didn’t say I was unfit to be a state senator, didn’t have an orgasm.
- STEVE CHABOTHEAD, who thanked The Blower for remembering he was one of Slick Willie’s Impeachment Managers, didn’t have an orgasm.
- “MEAN JEAN” SCHMIDT, who’s wondering how many people plan to show up at her Christmas Party just to hear about her plans to return to politics, didn’t have an orgasm.
- “BRONZE STAR BRAD” WENSTRUP, who says he’s sending a spy to “Mean Jean’s” Party, didn’t have an orgasm.
- HURLEY THE HISTORIAN, who says on this date in 1970, rock star Elvis Presley was greeted at the White House by President Richard M. Nixon and amazingly, it wasn’t even an election year, didn’t have an orgasm.
The Streetcar Six proudly pose for a photo after their vote to restart the streetcar. How pathetic!
AWARD WINNING PHOTO ILLUSTRATOR ARTIS CONCEPTION, who is obviously not one of those Stupid Streetcar Supporters, didn’t have an orgasm.- FECKLESS FISHWRAPPERS, who actually believe the Streetcar Saga will have a happy ending, didn’t have an orgasm.
- DIMINUTIVE DEMOCRAT MAYOR-ELECT JOHN CRANLEY, who says it’s going to be a long four years with this group of backstabbers in the Streetcar Six, didn’t have an orgasm.
- FOXY ROXY QUALLS, who says “I have plenty of real estate to sell along the streetcar line,” didn’t have an orgasm.
- VICE MAYOR DAVID MANN, who lied to get elected, didn’t have an orgasm.
P.G.SITT-N-SPIN, who told both sides he supported them just to get the most votes, didn’t have an orgasm- CLOWNCILMAN KEVIN FLYNN-FLAM, who stabbed Cranley in the back after Cranley helped get him get elected, didn’t have an orgasm.
- CLOWNCILMAN SMLP SMITHERMOUTH, who says “The problem with some politicians these days is when they can’t stay bought,” didn’t have an orgasm.
- CLOWNCIL GAY CHRIS SQUEALBACK, who voted for the streetcar for some queer reason, didn’t have an orgasm.
- CINCINNATI CITY MANGLER MILTON DOUGH BOY HONEY, who wonders if he should ask for his old job back now, didn’t have an orgasm.
HAMILTON COUNTY RINO PARTY BOSS ALEX T., MALL COP GOP, who says “See what happens when you don’t have any Republicans candidates running for Mayor or City Clowncil,” didn’t have an orgasm.- HAMILTON COUNTY DEMO-LABOR PARTY BOSS TIM BURKA, who says questioning “JayWalking Joe” Deters about his address was “Not Political,” didn’t have an orgasm.
- DEMOCRAT HAMILTON COUNTY COMMISSIONER ODD TODD OPPORTUNE, who says, “Please stop laughing when I tell you I’m thinking about running for Governor,” didn’t have an orgasm.
- HAMILTON COUNTY DITZY DEMOCRAT JUVENILE JUDGE TRACY HUNTER, who says “Be nice to me or I’ll just get sick again,” didn’t have an orgasm.
DOWNTOWN PANHANDLERS, who say, “We can’t wait till we can ride around in a nice warm streetcar all day during the winter,” didn’t have an orgasm. - APATHETIC HAMILTON COUNTY VOTERS, who still have exactly the kind of government they deserve, didn’t have an orgasm.
- COAST’S LITIGIOUS LAWYER CHRIS FINNEY, who says “Thanks for giving away my plan to sue Clermont County on January 2,” didn’t have an orgasm.
- FINNEY’S SOON TO BE FORMER LAW PARTNERS, who can’t wait to tear his name off the their buildings in Anderson and Hyde Park on January 1, didn’t have an orgasm.
- NEWLY ELECTED ANDERSON TRUSTEE GERTH PAPPAS, who had himself sworn in early Thursday night just to humiliate Disgraced-and-Defeated Outgoing Trustee Kevin O’Brien, didn’t have an orgasm.
WHACKY JACKIE’S ILLEGITIMATE SON KEVIN, who actually believes The Blower won’t have him to kick around more, didn’t have an orgasm.- TEA PARTY PATRIOTS, who say just wait till you see all the great candidates we come up with to run in primary elections against the RINOs, didn’t have an orgasm.
- BLUEGRASS BUREAU CHIEF KEN CAMBOO, who wonders if World Orgasm for Peace Day is a real holiday, didn’t have an orgasm.
- KENTON COUNTY JUDGE EXECUTIVE STEVE ARLINGHAUS, who says “over-taxered payers are more fun to screw on a junket, didn’t have an orgasm.
- OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE, who chose Mae West’s “An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away,” didn’t have an orgasm.
KENTUCKY U.S. SENATOR BITCH MCCONNELL, who claims “I’m really a Conservative,” didn’t have an orgasm.- MCCONNELL’S CHALLENGER MATT BEVIN, who says “No he isn’t,” didn’t have an orgasm.
- RICK “THE BATBOY” ROBINSON, who still won’t tell people why he’s no longer at that prestigious Graydon Head law firm, didn’t have an orgasm.
- DUCK DYNASTY GUY PHIL ROBERTSON, who still prefers vaginas to anuses, didn’t have an orgasm.
- THAT CABAL OF NOKY ATTORNEYS STILL OUT TO DESTROY ERIC “CALL ME CRAZY” DETERS INCLUDING LOVELY LISA WELLS (THE ATTORNEY WHO REPLACED CRAZY ERIC ON WLW HATE RADIO), who wonder if Crazy Eric was trying to blatantly solicit a case in the headlines, would he really be stupid enough to do it from his office in Kentucky while he’s not allowed to be practicing there due to yet another suspension, didn’t have an orgasm.
- OUR GOOD FRIEND, KENTON COUNTY COMMONWEALTH ATTORNEY E ROB SANDERS, who says people in my newsletter don’t have orgasms unless it’s really dark, didn’t have an orgasm.
- ”TRISH THE DISH,” who wonders if you’re supposed to have Orgasms to celebrate the Summer Solstice too, didn’t have an orgasm.
- FINALLY, BELOVED WHISTLEBLOWER PUBLISHER CHARLES FOSTER KANE, who says “When my doctor told me I had to give up half my sex life and I said which half, thinking about it or talking about it,” didn’t have an orgasm.
REMEMBER: If you can’t improve on the news, you shouldn’t even be reporting it.
“Another Exclusive” by James Jay Schifrin
Last week in Patronage County, Senator Mudslinger called his administrative assistant into his office. “Mr. Jackal,” the senator roared. “Go out andbuy me a reporter.”
“A reporter, sir?”
“That’s right, Jackal—every politician needs at least one reporters to call his own.”
“But, senator. The last thing you need is one more reporter digging up dirt on you. The FBI caught you red-handed. You were a star on ABSCAM Camera for weeks.”
“The best defense is a good offense. I want somebody to ask easy questions so I’ll look good in the media for a change.”
“Where are we going to find a reporter like that?”
“Television reporters are best. They’re more interested in their hair spray than digging for the facts of a story.”
“How about a woman reporter?”
“Perfect, Jackal. They’re used to being bought. You’ve seen me do it a million times.”
“Do you have somebody in mind? How about the chick that does the newsbreaks on the Nitwitness News—where she’s sitting in the news room teaching guys how to type with two fingers.”
“No, Jackal, try the station with the vulture painted on the side of its helicopter. Call Betty Flaque, the girl who starts every report with ‘Tonight for my first exclusive…Remember last month when she announced that the world was round”
“But how can she really help us, Senator? Have you forgotten the ABSCAM hearings? You got your supeona this morning. How can she possibly make you look good?”
“We’ll leak her that juicy rumor about how my opponent impersonated me accepting money from rich Arab businessmen in from of the FBI cameras.”
“Nobody’s stupid enough to believe that, Senator. The newspapers laughed at you when you tried to get them to use it.”
“That’s why I want you to call Betty Flaque. A little flattery about her work, some patronizing remark about womens’ lib, and she’ll forget everything she ever knew about reporting.”
“And if that doesn’t work, Senator?”
“Then maybe a pat on the fanny would do the job.”
This op-ed column first appeared in the Mt. Washington Press on December 10, 1980.
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