One of the best parts about publishing The Whistleblower Newswire is checking our e-mail first thing each morning to see some of those politically insightful items we’ve received from our equally politically insightful subscribers. Our readers’ comments are extremely helpful for our analysis and interpretation of today’s important top stories.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Happy Secretary’s Day, Gals!
Oh, we’re not calling it “Secretary’s Day” anymore. We’re supposed to say “Administrative Professionals Day,” so you little ladies can feel better about your hum drum jobs. Now would you mind getting us a cup of coffee?
Hurley the Historian says this made-up holiday was created in 1952 by a Young and Rubicam advertising executive who found a way to give his secretary something that didn’t cost money.
No wonder our Quote for Today Committee chose Barry Goldwater’s “I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary. If it’s somebody else’s secretary, that’s fine!” Was Barry a Compassionate Conservatism or what!
Male Chauvinist Employers of America explain why they changed the name of today’s “Secretary’s Day” holiday to “Administrative Professionals Day.” It was cheaper than giving the gals a raise.
The Unemployment Office says tomorrow on “Take Your Daughter to Work Day during the Obama Recession,” you can always bring her here.
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Way back when, in The Original Whistleblower edition that came out April 23, 1991, our Top Ten List was the things a boss could do for his secretary during Professional Secretaries Week to make her feel really special. We showed our bad taste even then. - Our good friend Joe Braun says they’ll really be celebrating “Secretary’s Day” in a special way at Patty Brisben’s Dildo World, Strauss & Troy’s favorite client in Loveland, Ohio.
- Finally, now that Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters is no longer suspended from practicing law in Kentucky, members of “The Cabal Out to Destroy Him” are wondering when The Blower will be publishing its undercover report on how “Crazy Eric” plans to celebrate this very special occasion.
Now Little Ladies, maybe we can get back to work so we can publish the rest of this e-dition, one of these days.
SPECIAL SECRETARY’S DAY LINKS
The ‘Mad Men’ Guide to Secretary’s Day
Happy Secretary’s Day from Landalor Industries
Just Shoot Me: Secretary’s Day
Patriotic Pictures
Jihadists for Peace (Affiliated with the Muslim Brotherhood) say “too much force” was used capturing and killing Murdering Muslims like Tamerlan and Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. Folks at Boston’s Fenway Park probably wouldn’t agree, especially Red Sox slugger David Ortiz, whose emotional pre-game speech included the line, “This is our fucking city!” It was great to see all those patriotic people actually singing the national anthem on Saturday. It’s too bad it cost so much to make patriotism popular again. The Blower thought in 2001, America said “Never Forget.” Obviously, somebody forgot.
FLYING PIG SECURITY: The Blower asked our good friend Tom Streicher about the “extraordinary” steps Organizers of Cincinnati’s Flying Pig Marathon might be taking to strengthen their security plans for this Sunday in the aftermath of the Boston Marathon Massacre.
Our Former Cincinnati Police Chief explained: “Acts of terror are designed to dissuade the general population from doing that which they would normally be inclined to do, thus disrupting the comfort level of the majority of a population. If permitted to be successful, this action can have a devastating effect on the economy of a society and be immensely disruptive for a sustained period of time.
“The best way the average citizen can defeat this aspect of a terroristic threat is to act with defiance by not succumbing to their intended result and enjoying our freedom to attend events such as the Flying Pig Marathon here in Cincinnati. Such action expresses confidence in our democratic way of life, our freedom, and our emergency service workers who are diligently addressing all concerns associated with such events. ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM AMERICA!!!”
BORGES BASHING: Republicans for Higher Taxes just kicked off “Matt Borges Week.” Are you anxious to be led by a convicted criminal who doesn’t pay his taxes? Then head over to RFHT and show your support!- IN COLUMBUS: Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders says the Dissociated Press is reporting Ohio Republican Elected Officials, Attorney General Mike DeWhine and Secretary of State Jon Husted, are now questioning Matt Borges for not disclosing his tax liens when he asked them to endorse him for Friday’s election of the new Ohio GOP Party Boss. As of April 12, Borges owed $28,799 in federal taxes and $98,397 to the state. That bit of news coincidentally came from Tom Zawistowski, the Tea Party Guy who’s been endorsed by more than 150 Conservative Leaders from over 100 Groups across Ohio, not including Moral Authority Leader Phil Burr-ass.
- BACK IN CINCINNATI: In a related story, Cincinnati Gay Party Clown-cilman Chris Squealback is throwing a hissy fit because Xavier University dared to invite a Conservative Community Leader who has met Phil Burr-Ass like Anthony Munoz to be its Commencement Speaker. This should really thrill our Squealer—last night was Citizens for Community Values’ Annual Banquet and they had a packed house!
Shouldn’t our Nine Fine Clowns be concentrating on more important matters, like who would be stupid enough to spend $20.5 million on streetcars from Spain before knowing if you had a track to run on? Maybe they should just go to Tire Discounters and forget about those troublesome tracks. Girly Mayor Mark Mallory says “What’s the problem? I got a first-class all-expenses-paid vacation to Spain for a month from that streetcar company and my beefy bodyguard Scotty did too.”
Maybe that’s why HopOn Cincinnati says, “What we need is a trackless trolley taking us places we want to go.”
- THE CINCINNATI MESS (You’ll only read about in The Blower): In the Cincinnati’s Mayoral Race, both Foxy Roxy Qualls and Disguised DemocRAT John Cranley will not be showing up for that early May debate sponsored by EmpowerU, whatever the hell that is. Does that mean Loony Libertarian Jim Berns will be debating two empty chairs?
Meanwhile, even ESPN is making fun of Cincinnati’s “Parking Meters” in a story about the upcoming NFL Drafts.
- IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY: Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says folks attending the Freedom Expo last weekend, heard a stirring speech by Bluegrass Congressman Tom Massie, but visitors from the North Shore wondered why Congressman “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup was not also speaking. That was when they were told Wenstrup could not be bothered because he was at his home in Washington, DC for the weekend. Unlike Steve Chabothead, Rob “Fighting for Gay Boys Scouts” Portman and “Mean Jean” Schmidt, Wenstrup has chosen to live in Washington, DC like former Indiana Senator Richard Lugar.
HAMILTON COUNTY SHERIFF JIM NEIL reports a Green Township 57-year old woman found a humongous waste removal truck in her kitchen Monday morning. “How’d you wind up in here?” Patricia Grow asked the CSI Driver. “It was easy,” explained CSI driver Michael Schneider of Vanilla Hills, Kentucky. “I just turned left at the living room.”- ANGRY ANDERSONIANS say only a year after passing an operating tax levy (May 2012), the Forrest Gump Schools District is asking for more money! This time it is a wish list of maintenance items in substitution for proper budgeting, they call it their Stealth Tax Hike on May 7. Maybe that’s why WLW Hate Radio Trash Talker Darryl Parks says “Anybody who votes for a school levy is stupid.”
- STILL CALLING ALL TRI-STATE JOURNALISTS! The Cincinnati Pro Chapter of the Society of Professional Journalists is still looking for Your Best Work from 2010. Send in your entries today. Contact Tom McKee, Greater Cincinnati SPJ President, at Channel 9 “Substantially True” News.
LEGAL UPDATE: Down at the Fishwrap’s Idiotorial Board, they’re still celebrating how they forced $tan Che$ley’s to retire from practicing law in Ohio, but Hamilton County Prosecutor “JayWalking Joe” Deters is still listed as one of the attorneys at Che$ley’s law firm.- FINALLY AT YESTERDAY’S BRIBE LUNCH where a politician was trying to get some unsubstantiated rumor about his opponent in The Blower, Charles Foster Kane was asked about the proper protocol on Facebook after a person dies. Is the family supposed to remove the account? Wouldn’t it be disrespectful to “unfriend” the individual so his face doesn’t keep showing up whenever you log on to your Facebook page? Our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher had the answer: “You send him a message to see if he answers?”
SECRETARY’S DAY HOT LINE
e-mail your sensitive suggestions today.
Some sexual harassment items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally sexually harassing subscribers.
LINK OF THE DAY
Joe Braun Says, “This Is Probably Not My Secretary.”
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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